Love Punch & Other Collected Columns. Rob Hiaasen

electrical outlet.

      Accidental.

      The instrument of the fire? Its unwitting carrier?

      A Christmas tree.

      A warm symbol of the most joyous, decorated and family-knit occasion for many families—a tree-skirted, star-topped ritual signifying tradition, charity, family, Christ, peace on earth.

      A Christmas tree.

      But won’t we worry more about them now? Will we remember to water it enough? Are the needles starting to look a little dry? Won’t we assign someone in our families to turn off the tree before the last one goes to sleep?

      Won’t some of us make sure we unplug the tree every night?

      All those little lights, all that big electricity.

      We’ll watch it like a hawk.

      And when the holiday has worn off, we’ll get a little down to see our tree stripped of its family ornaments and knotted light strings and drying out before our eyes.

      It was a good tree, we’ll say.

      We’ll remember yet another Christmas.

      And how wonderful to be grandparents and having the kids over to see the tree. Knowing you bought them stuff their parents probably didn’t want them to have, but you don’t have to play by any gift rules.

      If you want to keep the tree up way past Christmas, that’s your call, too. What’s the rush? Why not keep the tree up a little longer for them?

      Why not keep the tree up a little longer for you?

      There are the folks who take down their tree the day after Christmas, the folks who wait a few days, maybe a week, and there’s those who just keep delaying.

      Why?

      Because it’s harder for some to take it down, to let go for another year until we start the ritual again of...

      Picking out a Christmas tree.

      Let’s get a big one this year.

      Maybe just have white lights and red ornaments. Do something different for a change.

      Or we can do the same as we do every year because it’s our Christmas tree.

      And it will be a good one, we’ll say.

      Lost money found after holiday plea

      December 12, 2014—updated from previous publication on December 10, 2014.

      Update: On Wednesday, someone claimed the $500 turned in to Annapolis police earlier this week. “It does sound like a happy ending,” said Marla Weisenberg, who had found the money and turned it in.

      After offering a helping hand, she needs one.

      Marla Weisenberg of Annapolis was taking a late walk downtown Monday night with her dog and not much on her mind other than let’s make the walk quick. It was cold and drizzly, so hurry up your business.

      As she walked along Franklin Street near the Banneker-Douglass Museum, something on the ground caught her eye.

      Money.

      “Kind of a lot of money,” she says.

      The kind of a lot of money you don’t want to leave on any ground.

      What to do, what to do.

      It’s not common for that much money to be lying around the streets of Annapolis. Could be stolen—or not.

      Weisenberg took the money home and the next day she made the rounds around Church Circle, dropping into the courthouse and post office and anywhere to leave word about what she had found. When no one had any leads, she turned the envelope into Annapolis police Tuesday afternoon. Talked to a nice officer, she says. Got his business card and a case number and everything.

      “I just want them to have their money back,” Weisenberg says. “I don’t want them throwing up their hands thinking their money is just gone.”

      So, the search is on for “them”—or he or she or, maybe, them. Someone missing a kind of lot of money around the holidays.

      Marla Weisenberg won’t talk about how much or any other details because she wants to leave that to the police to handle the claiming end of things. She just wants the money back where it belongs.

      “To make their Christmas a little merrier,” as she says.

      If anyone has a clue about the case of the missing money, call Annapolis police at 410-268-9000 and ask for Officer Rodney Butler. He’s a nice man, we hear.

      [3]

      Of Boys and Men

      Were you talking to yourself again?

      May 28, 2017

      As I was saying to myself, “You talk to yourself too much. It’s disturbing. And you’re starting to scare others.”

      I was loping around outside and having a riveting conversation with myself when I nearly trampled a fellow traveler. She was clearly a high-end professional type given her dress, height, poise and “I shall sue you now” vibe. Talking to yourself is far easier than talking to others, as we all know. But talking to someone else about the fact you were just caught talking to yourself is some tough talk.

      Our exchange:

      Me: “I’m sorry. I was talking to myself and didn’t see where I was going.”

      Her:

      Me: (Still hoping for a response and a way to avoid being subpoenaed, I put on a little something called “The Charm.” It’s too nuanced and bewitching to articulate, so just stand back and enjoy.)

      Me:

      Her:

      Me:

      Her:

      As I walked away, I asked myself out loud if other people talk to themselves and if so, is there a special section in heaven for us self-talkers? While thoroughly researching stories about people who talk to themselves, this headline popped up first: “It doesn’t mean you’re crazy—talking to yourself has cognitive benefits, study finds.” Bingo.

      A study published in Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology (you have a subscription, right?) says most people talk to themselves at least every few days, and many report talking to themselves on an hourly basis. So-called self-directed speech in children can help guide behavior and sharpen their thinking chops.

      And for adults?

      Cognitive benefits were also found, the study said. In one experiment, 20 people were given the name of a supermarket item. In the first trials, the participants couldn’t say a word to themselves or anyone. In the second set, they repeated the object’s name out loud. According to the findings, the latter crew found their milk or cheese or whatever much easier in the store than did the silent shoppers.

      Having learned I’m not crazy but rather one smart shopper, no further research was necessary.

      A day later, I ventured out of my work environment to lope about in the comfy 92-degree heat. I had many discussions with myself, some of which centered on my next trip to Wegmans and what I might require for a weekend of successful eating. My clinically-approved, self-talking led me through a parking lot, across one median and what might have been someone’s back yard. As I circled back to our parking lot, I met another fellow traveler.

      Me: “Sorry about that. I was talking to myself again.” (Tip: when caught talking to yourself, look sheepish and charming; i.e., a charming sheep.)

      Her: (Laughing) “That’s OK. I do it all the time.”

      Me: “You do?”

      Her: