Dispatches From Paradise. Shelly Gitlow

house, walk through the kitchen, and into the living room. Whoops! There’s Cole pulling up his pants. We’re both surprised and embarrassed. I drop my kayak.

      “What’s going on?”

      “I was swimming, with Darcy.”

      “Darcy? She’s at school.”

      “Uh uh, dude. She’s outside.”

      He grabs his shirt and walks to the door.

      “Say hi to your dad for me!”

      Jesus, where are my priorities? I have a sinking feeling in my gut. Why is Darcy home?

      I go out to the back yard where my stunning daughter is drying off. When I haven’t seen her for a while, I forget what a knockout she is. She’s got the perfect combination of Richard and Claudette’s looks. Doesn’t look a thing like me. I look like my dad (as far as I can tell from the old, wrinkled picture I have).

      “Mom!”

      She runs to me and throws her arms around my neck. I’m caught up in the moment and hug her tightly. Then I remember that she probably isn’t bearing good news, so I retreat.

      “I hope you take this the right way, Darcy. I mean, it’s great to see you and all, but what’s going on?”

      “Can we talk about it later? I’m really tired.”

      She lies down on a lounge chair, curls up in a fetal position. I stroke her hair.

      “Just tell me, sweetie.”

      “I left school.”

      I stop petting her, put my face in my hands and bow my head. I’m really trying to remain calm, but it’s so hard.

      “I hated that stupid place. I didn’t fit in. The classes were boring. My roommates were a drag.”

      “Meaning what? They didn’t do drugs?”

      Can I take that back, please, please, please?

      “God, Mom. It had nothing to do with that.”

      I deserved that. Good for her. I hope it’s true. Recidivism is so common. Stop it. Get back in the moment.

      “So what was wrong?”

      Darcy’s looking at me closely. Maybe she figured out that I spoke to the dean about her room assignment. I doubt it. She’s not that clever.

      “It was almost like someone put all the nutcases in the same room, next to the R.A. so they could be watched. And I was there because of my former drug use, I suppose.”

      She’s sharper than I thought. Guess that’s a good thing. I stay cool as she vents about my not trusting her. I’ve heard it before (ad nauseum).

      “That wasn’t the only reason I left. You’re not going to like it. Remember I told you that these guys hang out at the college bars and film the girls doing stuff?”

      “Go on.”

      Uh oh. That awful terrified feeling is washing over me.

      “Yeah, I remember. And remember I told you to stay away because you’re not twenty-one.”

      I have to stop being so judgmental. It doesn’t get me anywhere. Darcy sighs and shakes her head.

      “There’s nothing else to do in Buttfuck, Florida, Mom, except go to bars. And my new friends invited me to hang out with them. Do you want me to tell you or not?”

      Oh please, can I opt out? I nod for her to continue.

      “So one night I’m there with Jen and Barbie and we’re like fooling around, and all of a sudden, Barbie pulls up my top. Before I could pull it back down, they got my boobs on film. I think they set me up. I totally didn’t see it coming. I thought they liked me.”

      “Still looking to blame everyone else for your mistakes.”

      She looks disappointed and miserable. I shouldn’t have said that. I want her to confide in me. Maybe I can recoup.

      “I’m sorry, Darcy. Maybe you’re right. Girls have always been jealous of you. So was that it?”

      She looks down. “When I went to my History of Civ. class, which is huge, it was playing in a loop on the screen. Everyone was laughing. Even the professor saw it. I ran out, got my stuff and here I am.”

      What should I say? I’m glad you were mortified? It’s not such a big deal? That’s what you get for not listening to me? None of the above.

      “I’m really sorry that happened to you. If I could make it disappear, I would.”

      Not bad. She softens. I hug her, and she smiles.

      “I’m not going back to school, no matter what you say. It’s my life.”

      “Fine. So where are you going to live your life?”

      Not here. Anywhere but here. I’ve only had one day of peace without anyone. I want more! I deserve more! Am I being selfish?

      “Can’t I stay here?”

      I’m entitled to live alone. That doesn’t make me a bad mother. Or does it? I’m not sure I care. I really am a horrible person.

      “Not a good idea.”

      “Why? It’ll be different. I promise. And you could use some company now that Dad’s gone.”

      So that’s it. Even though she said it didn’t bother her, she’s stressing about the breakup. I should talk to her about it.

      “Is that the real reason you came home? The split?”

      “It’s pretty upsetting.”

      “I waited till you went to college. I thought it would be easier for you.”

      “It’s still hard, Mom. You should help me get through it. I’m not strong enough to be on my own.”

      That’s a button I didn’t need to have pushed. How do I handle this one without seeming like a coldhearted monster?

      “Maybe you should move in with your dad? You guys get along pretty well.”

      Richard lets her do whatever she wants. He gives her money, and she stays out of his face. That’s callous. Maybe I’m jealous because they seem to have a decent relationship.

      “I already asked. He said no. Janice doesn’t want me in the way.”

      Oh really? That’s a shock. Keeping the smugness from oozing out of me is a challenge. It’s not her fault. He’s the only father she has and she didn’t pick him.

      “I have nowhere else to go, Mom. And I’m going to get a job. You’ll see.”

      “So what are you going to do?”

      “Model.”

      “Not that again, please. When you finish college, you can try modeling. End of story.”

      This is one battle that’s worth fighting. I don’t want her involved with Claudette and those people again. Darcy sits up, gets into her combat stance. It’s like old times.

      “With all this stress, I could easily start using again.”

      This round goes to Darcy. I don’t want to get sucked in, but I can’t turn her away. She’s my only child. And I’d be way too guilty if she did drugs again. Maybe it will be different with Richard gone. Maybe we can forge a better relationship.

      “I guess we can give it a try. But you have to promise. No drugs.”

      “Don’t worry, Mom. It’ll be cool.”

      She kisses me on the cheek, and for the moment, it all feels okay. We walk into the living room. Darcy almost trips on my kayak.

      “What’s that for?”

      “I’m