Dispatches From Paradise. Shelly Gitlow

really do it. Anyway, I’m like so totally into it, I barely notice Jen and Barb trade places. Barb reaches around and pulls up my top, exposing my girls to the immediate world.

      “What the . . . ?”

      I turn around and see Jen and Barb laughing and high-fiving. I should have known better. Threesomes never work with chicks. Two are always ganging up against the other one. I run off camera and put myself back together, but it’s a done deal. I know they got everything on film. It is so not fair. I never meant to show my boobs. That wasn’t part of the plan, at least not my plan.

      The next threesome is in front of the camera. I’m trying to find Jen and Barb, but they seem to have disappeared in this crowded, smelly dive. What the hell’s going on? I calm myself down. It’s not such a big thing. Not like I want to be a neurosurgeon some day and my patients will see my tits on the Internet. Maybe it will help me get a modeling job. I have to get back to Miami and get my career started. I’m wasting my time here.

      I can’t sleep, even with the weed. Those bitches totally set me up. But why? I thought they liked me. This kind of crap always happens to me. In middle school, my “friends” rigged up a webcam at Juan Castillo’s party. He and I were in his bedroom making out, and those pervs were in the living room watching us and cracking up. I survived that, and I’ll get through this too. Girls are jealous of me. I can’t change that.

      As I head to the bathroom, Jewel comes out of nowhere and invades my space. She mumbles into her mask.

      “Not now, Jewel. Move.”

      I shove her out of the way so I can go to the bathroom, but she follows me and tries to come in. I lock the door, jump in the shower, and tune her out. The hot water calms me down. Grandma always tells me to take a shower when I’m upset. She totally gets me. I miss her. And then I remember that Mom and Dad split up. I almost cry.

      I drag myself to my History of Civilization class. Like I care about what happened in the olden days. When I walk in, I see that everyone’s watching something and going wild. People are shouting all kinds of stupid stuff at me.

      “Show us your tits, Darcy!”

      “She’s a lesbo!”

      “Who cares? I’d still do her!”

      I look up at the screen and see myself at the bar last night. Holy shit! It’s the part where Barb pulls up my top and my boobs are set free, over and over, in a loop. Can I sue anyone? My dad’s a lawyer.

      The professor’s trying to shut everyone up and find out who’s responsible for the entertainment, but no one’s listening. They’re all looking at me. It’s wicked embarrassing, but I calmly do a 180 and flip them all the bird as I walk out.

      “Later, losers.”

      On the way back to my room, I pass Sofia and Gus in the hall. They’re carrying suitcases. Gus looks scary mad and waves his fist in my face.

      “I should mess you up.”

      “Me? What did I do?”

      “Leave her alone, Gus. Darcy’s cool.”

      “What happened?”

      “Someone narced on us, probably the Chink. So I got kicked out.”

      “You’re lucky. This place sucks.”

      “Big time. We’re out of here. See you on Facebook, chica.”

      Sofia and I hug good-bye. Gus gives me “the nod,” and they take off.

      Mercifully, Jewel’s in class, so I can pack in peace. I’m taking a 2:00 flight to Miami, so I’ll be home in a few hours. I should say good-bye to Rebecca. There she is, sleeping with her eyes open, snoring. I won’t miss that. Seriously.

      “Rebecca. Get up. I have to tell you something.”

      The girl doesn’t move a muscle. That’s not good. I go over to her bed and touch her arm. Nothing. So I shake her, still nothing. I’m getting a really bad feeling. I’ll leave her a note. This really isn’t my problem, and I have a plane to catch. I start writing the note, and all of a sudden, she bolts up in her bed, like she did some coke or something.

      “Are you okay?”

      “Yeah. Where are you going?”

      “Home. I can’t take this place anymore. And my mom and dad split up, so I figure they need me.”

      “But I need you too.”

      “You?”

      “Yes. I was too scared to tell you, but, uh, um . . .”

      “Just spit it out.”

      “I’m in love with you.”

      Oh no. What do I say? I don’t want her to kill herself because of me.

      “What are you talking about? You’re not a lesbian and neither am I.”

      “That’s not what I heard.”

      “Don’t pay attention to those rumors. They’re not true. But if I was, I’m sure I’d be attracted to you.”

      “Really?”

      “Sure. Listen, I have to catch a plane. So have a great life.”

      “I’ll try. Maybe Jewel will be my girlfriend. She’s not as pretty as you, but she sure is clean.”

      “Yeah, well, good luck with that. Ciao.”

      I grab my bags and race out of the room. She calls after me.

      “I’ll always remember you, Darcy.”

      And I’ll never forget my roomies in the Loony Suite. That’s for sure.

      I’m ringing the bell at Janice’s house, but no one’s answering. I left Dad a message that I was coming. His car’s in the driveway. He must be here. I hear Susu barking. Finally, he opens the door, looking so stupid in his Lycra bike shorts. His gross belly is hanging over the top and his skinny legs are a joke, but he thinks he’s all buff and shit.

      “Hi, Dad.”

      “Darcy-girl. Get over here.”

      We hug, and I see Janice sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at Dr. Oz on TV and smoking a cigarette. Dad comes outside and shuts the door, pushing Susu out of the way. This does not look good.

      “Darcy, honey, I uh, Janice doesn’t . . .”

      I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming, but I want him to have to say it to me. I like to watch him squirm.

      “I’m sorry, uh, but you know how it is. Janice and I need to be alone right now. We have to cement in our relationship.”

      At least he’s up-front. It’s easier to deal with his truth than Mom’s bullshit.

      “Get real, Dad. You and I both know it won’t last anyway. And I’m your daughter. Don’t you think you should be a little concerned about me?”

      “Of course I am. Why did you quit school?”

      “You can’t imagine how bogus it was there. I totally hated everything about it.”

      “Sorry to hear that. I never liked school either. Your mother was quite the student, but me, not so much. If it was up to me, you could stay.”

      He looks like he might cave. Am I actually going