The Vitality Imperative. Mickey Connolly

Practicing Presence: What you can do to improve

      We’ve covered a lot of ideas on the power of presence. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from our time working with busy executives, it’s that we’re quicker to understand ideas than to take action on them. These practices are designed to turn ideas into action.

      Knowledge is powerful, but it is not transformative until it is put into practice. At the end of each chapter we will share three to four practices we know improve connected leadership. These practices are designed to help you apply the knowledge you gain so that you can achieve the results you want with less time, money, and stress. Think of them as investments.

      When it comes to presence, we suggest you practice in all three areas:

       • Physical: presence of body

       • Emotional: presence of emotion

       • Rational: presence of mind

      Presence cannot be forced and occurs most naturally through a mood of relaxed vigilance.

      To demonstrate, here is a quick experiment. Put a coin on a table. Tense the muscles in your forearms and hands and, with the muscles still tense, pick up the coin. Then, consciously relax your forearms and hands, and pick up the coin.

      What do you notice?

      Most people report they pick up the coin more easily and quickly the second time. Tension also can be mental (worry) and emotional (anxiety). The first practice is simply relaxing our body, emotions, and mind so that we can more easily pick up what is happening around us physically, emotionally, and mentally.

      Now, let’s add vigilance. To be vigilant is to be consciously attentive. Have someone toss you five or six colored markers at the same time. What happened? Now, ask the person to pick up the markers and prepare to toss them to you again. This time, however, focus all your attention on one marker, as though catching it earns you $1 million. Take a breath, relax, and smile as they’re tossed. What happened?

      If you easily and calmly caught the one marker, even as the other ones flew at you, you experienced the special benefit of relaxed vigilance. Relaxed vigilance takes conscious practice, which you can do throughout the day. The goal of the practice is to:

       • Notice tension.

       • Breathe consciously.

       • Relax your muscles, mind, and emotions.

       • Focus your attention (give attention rather than have it taken).

      You can easily practice that flow in taking the actions we suggest next.

Presence Practice #1: Physical awareness

      Physical practices are a convenient fast track to improving presence. While our minds may wander, our body is always right here.

       Physical Practice: Move it!

      Years ago we met someone who used to work directly with Walt Disney. He told us that whenever creative thinking was needed and missing, Walt would say, “Change the setting!” People would get up and move—maybe go for a walk, find another place to meet, or simply get up and change the configuration of the furniture in the room. Most of the time, new thinking emerged in the new setting.

      Movement tends to awaken all our senses, increase presence, and energize thinking. A few suggestions:

       • Have a walking meeting. Grab a notebook or note cards in case someone says something brilliant.

       • In the same vein, the next time your own thinking gets stuck, go for a walk. Notice how heavily your feet hit the ground; see if you can step more lightly, then even more lightly. Then, add force to your step and notice the heaviness increase. Then, just enjoy the walk.

       • If you are working at your desk, stand up every twenty minutes to stretch, take a few steps, look out a window, and notice something new.

       • If you are having a bad day, hike up a moderate hill. It is hard to stay negative during a pleasant uphill walk. Start up the incline and position your body like you are dismayed, fatigued, or beaten (e.g., slumped shoulders). Then, shift to a posture of confidence (e.g., back straight, chest up and out, chin level to the ground). Do both again. Stay with the one you like.

       • Do a performance review in an unexpected setting. Ask the other person where he or she would like to go. Go there and have the conversation.

       • In general, move frequently while you notice breathing, posture, and details of your environment.

      Movement restores the connection between mind, emotion, and body. In his book Get Up!, Dr. James Levine says, “Sitting is the new smoking.” Levine maintains that sitting all day is unnatural and to blame for all kinds of ailments. “This is about hard-core productivity. You will make money if your workforce gets up and gets moving. Your kids will get better grades if they get up and get moving,” he says. “The science is not refuted.”

      Your Vitality Imperative

      Earlier, we asked you to keep a real vitality imperative in mind as you move through the book. Think of that challenge now. What aspects of it cause you tension? Where is your body taut?

      Now, take a deep breath, and as you exhale relax the points of tension in your body.

      Any worries? Notice them, breathe, and relax.

      Any stressful emotions? Notice them, breathe, and relax.

      For you, what is most important about your imperative? Give your attention to that thought and read on.

Presence Practice #2: Emotional awareness

      To have emotions is to be human. Some people diminish emotion and instead worship logic, which is a big mistake if you work with human beings. Emotions are an animating force that motivate us to decide and act. Brilliant researchers like Dan Lovallo, Nina Mažar, and Dan Ariely have shown that big decisions in companies and personal lives have rich emotional elements. As Ariely says, we are “predictably irrational.”

      While some discount emotion, others seem ruled by emotion. Neither extreme leads to organizational Vitality, which, if you recall, is achieving more with less time, money, and stress. When a Vitality leader can wisely honor emotion and not be victimized by it, we call that emotional agility.

      Most of us are not skilled at naming or expressing our feelings. Rather, we default to talking about our feelings instead of acting from them with confidence. In the process, we lose the clarity and choice regarding the emotions that animate our actions.

      So, for instance, one might say, “I feel that you should have included me in the decision,” rather than, “I felt hurt and insignificant when I was not included in the decision.” The former is a thought; the latter is emotion.

      Knowing how you feel is essential for powerful communication. If you learn to distinguish a rich palette of feelings and express them consciously, you will upgrade your own intelligence and the influence you have on others.

       Emotional Practice: Name it

      The following is a set of six common emotional “families.” Each family is defined by words that describe the emotion on a continuum from moderate to intense:

       • Glad: from approval to elation

       • Sad: from disappointment to despair

       • Mad: from disapproval to fury

       • Afraid: from avoidance to terror