Deep, Soulful Places. Elizabeth J Pierce

feel loved often trumps other relationship needs. To feel loved. Cherished. Special. Worth something. These feelings are so important to us that they feel almost as necessary to our ability to thrive as air, food and water.

      We crave love. We seek it out. We celebrate it when it happens and grieve it when it is gone. But what we are wired for is more than just a wonderful romance. And it is more secure than the love of a best friend. True love (I can’t say those two words together without thinking of the movie The Princess Bride) is about so much more. The kind of love we crave deep down in the depths of our being is life-changing. It’s the answer we are all searching for.

      The Need We All Have—Whether We Admit It or Not

      I clearly remember the conversation with my mom. I was only four and a half, but for some reason I remember. She was tucking me into bed one night after we had been out for a celebration dinner with family and friends. We were celebrating her engagement to Mr. Gee. Mr. Gee was a quiet, gentle man. He was also a widower, his wife having died of cancer when his daughter was six and his son was three. I liked Mr. Gee a lot. He made my mom happy, and I was told that when he married my mom, he would become my dad. Did I ever like that idea! I really, really wanted a dad again. I missed mine so much. I would often ask my mom if we could talk to Jesus so I could “ask Jesus to tell Daddy that I love him and miss him.” And God bless my mom, she always did, even though I suspect it tore viciously at her open wound. I didn’t think about that at the time. I only thought about the hole in my own heart that used to be filled with my dad’s love and attention—and I wanted it full again.

      A new daddy sounded like the perfect answer. But I didn’t want to have to call my new dad Mr. Gee. So, as my mom was tucking me in, I said, “Mommy, do you think that Mr. Gee would mind if I called him Daddy after you get married?”

      My mom stroked my face and smiled through tears. “I think that would be fine with Mr. Gee, dear.”

      I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I was longing for was love. A father’s love. And in my little-girl world, I was hoping that by calling Mr. Gee Daddy he would be that loving father figure I had lost and somehow instinctively knew I needed back again. Thank God, he was.

      After almost two decades of providing therapy, I have had many opportunities to observe humans and their reactions to their sometimes horrendous life experiences. And there has always been one common denominator: those who have been loved at some point in their lives fare far better than those who have never felt loved.

      In the early 1900s psychiatrist John Bowlby came out with his now renowned attachment theory, which in essence purports that early attachment of an infant to a primary caregiver forms the basis from which that child comes to understand and relate to the world. It suggests there are three basic needs that must be met: safety, security and belonging (significance). As infants and children have those needs repeatedly met (or not) over time, they come to form their understanding of themselves, relationships and the world around them. However, there are many individuals who have not always had positive early development experiences, but if they have felt deeply loved by someone at some point in their lives, it sustains them and offers them some resiliency and motivation to cope and carry on, despite their pain, trauma or woundedness. In fact, it would seem that this need to be loved is so deeply ingrained that most of our human behaviour is influenced by it, either directly or indirectly.

      As a therapist, I have noticed that love is one of the reasons many women stay in abusive relationships, elderly parents tolerate abuse by their offspring, and children blame themselves for their abuse instead of their abusive parent. It makes movie stars jump on couches on national television. It makes people leave their lives and start fresh somewhere else with that special someone. It makes a little girl want to call the nice man in her mom’s life “Daddy.” It is a powerful emotion that we all long for, if we are honest with ourselves. But rarely do we feel completely fulfilled on a human level, despite the most perfect of circumstances.

      This is by divine design. Because God ultimately intended it to be Him who meets our unquenchable longings for love, safety, security and significance—in those deep, soulful places.

      When some of you read that, it may cause you to think that God is cruel—He creates us and then leaves us spinning our wheels and feeling unfulfilled unless we choose to have Him in our lives. Or it may sound like He is manipulative or punitive, orchestrating our lives so that unless we choose to be in a relationship with Him, we’ll never get our basic, fundamental needs fully met.

      I actually think it is the exact opposite.

      I have had many occasions to witness humans who are not in a relationship with God go through some very difficult situations, seek therapy, and report feeling better, able to cope, and (from their perspective) “healed” from their experience. Without Him. And every time I see this, I am reminded of what a loving, gracious God I serve. Because He created us with a spot that can only be filled by Him, and He desires that we live in relationship with Him. He extends Himself to us, the answer to all that we need, and then when we choose to not accept Him into the minutia of our lives, we still heal. He “lets” us survive and cope without Him. And many people do. That is not punitive or manipulative. That is gracious and loving.

      He doesn’t react to our rejection in a negative or humanly typical way. He doesn’t pick up all His toys and storm home when we say we don’t want to play. He doesn’t sabotage our party just because He wasn’t invited. He doesn’t decide “Well, if you won’t let Me in to be a part of your healing, I will plague you with nightmares forever and make it so you never heal.” That would be punitive and manipulative, and that is not who He is.

      It must be so hard on His heart, given how much He loves us, to step aside and accept that we are not inviting Him into our world…into our healing. Because He knows. He knows that the healing, freedom and fulfillment we get when we do life with Him is way better than words can express. Because things are as they were designed to be from the beginning of time.

      His Love Is Safe and Secure

      I had lunch with a long-time friend earlier this week, after having not seen her for months. Wonderfully, we picked up where we left off as though only days had passed. I love that, and I love that our relationship is typified by deep, meaningful connection. We’ve never had a superficial conversation in the entire time I have known her, 14 years and counting. We just get right down to what’s going on in our lives—the good, the bad and the ugly. I know only a handful of people like that, and I consider them gifts from God. Evidence of His love for me.

      To have someone like that in my life causes me to reflect on what is at the root of relationships like this. Most of all, I believe it’s that I feel safe with her. I know she won’t judge me—in fact, even when presented with my failings, she always manages to find some way to encourage me. She never joins in my wallowing. She acknowledges my “warts,” but in a way that compels me to think differently and move forward. I could spend the whole time talking about me, and she wouldn’t bat an eye. She would make me feel like I was all that mattered. I’ve never worried about her talking behind my back, and I always know where I stand with her. All of that means I feel secure in my relationship with her. What a gift!

      Safety in a relationship is unfortunately often not present. Growing up, I had relationships that were far from emotionally safe for me, where I felt picked on, made fun of, falsely accused or just plain misled. I was often talked about behind my back, and those elementary and early high school years were very painful as a result, although they helped me learn to be discerning about who would be allowed in my “inner circle” as I matured. They taught me what I wanted from the people around me. And at the heart, I needed to be able to answer “yes” to one simple question: Are they safe?

      A secure relationship is safe—emotionally, physically and spiritually. Safety in relationships becomes the foundation on which you can trust, risk and grow.¹ Because it builds up rather than tears down. It draws you in and makes you want more. It does not make you feel “less than.” You can count on the other person to be there for you. There is never a question about where