The Way of Knowingness. Kim O'Neill

family. What could I possibly have learned from a man I could never respect or depend on as a father? I was fortunate to have a father who rejected and abandoned my brothers and me from the time I could remember because he was so consumed with destroying my mother and himself? Having endured emotionally painful therapy for some time to heal from these childhood wounds, I should be grateful to this man?

      Britt saw my shocked expression, and before I could stutter a reply, he explained softly, “Don’t you understand? You chose him as a father because you knew he would behave exactly as he did. You must have had some issues that you needed to address, and your father fit the bill perfectly. You’re the person you are today partially because of that turmoil.”

      His statement rang true to me, and I began to listen more openly. I started to see things in a very different light. We discussed the idea that because of the absence of my father’s love, I had no feelings of security or consistency as a child. And due to my father’s drinking and abusive behavior, I grew up in a war-zone environment that was characterized by ongoing financial hardships, fear of the sporadic beatings he gave my mother, and the awareness that at any time he might decide to make good on one of his frequent threats to kill her.

      Britt helped me recognize that I didn’t have to respect, admire, or even like someone who had a purpose in my life as a teacher. Spiritually speaking, it was my father’s responsibility to me to act the way he did, and then it was my responsibility to myself to transcend the adversity and learn from it. So what was I able to learn from my father?

      The early heartache of his neglect, rejection, and disinterest in me began the process of independence and empowerment that I am so proud of today. His abusive behavior toward my mother taught me about setting boundaries and helped me to understand the emotionally crippling effects of low self-esteem. In addition, as a result of moving beyond this difficult time, I was able to develop the determination to address my subsequent issues with less fear and unwillingness.

      Upon further reflection, I realized that I also learned what not to do. In my interactions with other people, particularly children, I always try to remember that every human being should be treated with dignity, respect, and consideration. Although my old wounds are healed and I’ve never been happier or more at peace, I can still vividly recall the terror of cowering from a parent gone berserk because of a combination of anger and alcohol. The memory of those early years helps me to share a heartfelt sympathy and compassion for those who have endured similar experiences.

      Even in therapy, I hadn’t considered that my suffering could have been a precious opportunity to learn from my father, who was destined to be one of my most valuable teachers. Britt taught me, with his greater maturity and wisdom, that traumatic or disturbing issues can always be reframed as positive learning experiences as long as I am ready to become a willing student.

      Many of my clients have asked why life has to be so fraught with learning experiences. Why does it seem as though they are always starting over? Why, just as soon as they have cleared up one set of problems, are they bombarded by others? Why are they so driven to repeat the same patterns of self-destructive behavior in relationships over and over again? They ask why life isn’t more satisfying or secure, as it seems for so many other people.

      What so many of us ask during the most gut-wrenching times of our lives is, “Why me? Why does it always happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?”

      Although there are a few enlightened souls who have already resolved all of their issues, rest assured that most people are still struggling with issues just like you are, no matter how flawless or successful their lives may appear from the outside. They may very well be working on different issues, and the nature of what they’re trudging through may seem much less arduous than your current challenges.

      In spite of your enlightenment and maturity, it is sometimes demoralizing to see other people create the kind of daily existence that you’ve only fantasized about in your dreams. Others seem to have secured a blissful personal relationship, raised well-adjusted children, reached a pinnacle of professional accomplishment, established financial independence, and maintained excellent physical health and fitness.

      When one follows one’s chosen destiny on the earthly plane, that wonderful quality of life is attainable. Nevertheless, when you’re a witness to such fulfillment but not currently enjoying that kind of existence, your life may be extremely depressing—not because you begrudge the other person his quality of life but because his success highlights everything you haven’t yet achieved.

      As a defense mechanism, we may self-destructively justify our own lack of initiative by thinking to ourselves: “Well, they have a special talent, so it’s easier for them.” “Having a rich family like they have would solve a lot of problems.” “They didn’t have to contend with a childhood like mine.” “They reached success so early, they’ll never know what a real struggle is!”

      These uncomfortable feelings may provide you with an incentive to work toward a better life. If you can replace the “if only I had their success” thought pattern with the type of philosophy that proclaims, “if he or she can do it, then I can, too, by following my own special destiny,” you’ll develop a powerful new ability to move forward and create the quality of life you most desire.

      At the same time that we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, it’s amazing how superior we often act toward people who are still struggling with issues we’ve already resolved. For example, have you ever found yourself thinking any of the following thoughts?

      “What is taking him so long to see the problem? Is he a nincompoop? I’m going to help by giving him my advice!” “Why is she so self-destructive? Why can’t she just muster the determination and give up the addiction? I’m going to give her the name of my therapist!” “How can she allow herself to be treated that way? Why doesn’t she stand up for herself? If that happened to me, I’d give him a piece of my mind! And I’m going to tell her so!”

      If you’ve actually said anything resembling those statements, especially when no one asked for your opinion, you’re attempting to teach someone who has not yet indicated that he or she is willing to be your student. You may be earnestly trying to help, but to an individual who really isn’t ready to move forward, it may feel as though you’re dragging him kicking and screaming. All of us have had that experience, and it certainly isn’t pleasant at the time, especially when you’re the one on the receiving end.

      A client of mine describes the situation like this: “It’s like trying to teach a pig to fly. You won’t get anywhere, and it makes the pig very annoyed.”

      Do you realize those very same family members, friends, and acquaintances who are still grappling with the issues you’ve worked through may see your life as simple, secure, and so much less difficult than theirs? Have you ever heard someone say, in all sincerity, “Well, you just don’t understand—your life has been so easy. You’ve never had problems like mine.”?

      It sounds as if they’re insinuating that you’ve never had to struggle or worry and that perhaps things have simply been handed to you. If you’ve been the recipient—or target—of such a remark, you were probably dumbfounded. When similar statements have been made to me, I’ve discovered that it’s pointless to argue. I try to consider that perhaps I’ve worked through some issues that they haven’t, and my life could very well seem, from the outside, much less complicated than theirs.

      I also believe that if you can rely on your sense of humor in the process of resolving issues, the ability to laugh at yourself as well as to appreciate the irony in life will certainly make your earthly experiences more tolerable.

      Because it typically requires significant adversity to resolve an issue, life’s lessons often feel as though we’ve been hit over the head with a twenty-pound iron skillet. What’s more, some of us have to be whacked over the head several times before we figure things out—which makes us considerably bruised in the process. Even worse, sometimes we continue to be hit over the head while remaining clueless about what’s happening.

      I have to admit that I used to be the poster girl for people