The Complete Poems of Rudyard Kipling – 570+ Titles in One Edition. Rudyard 1865-1936 Kipling

from 'ouse to 'ouse you're 'unting, you must always work in pairs—

       It 'alves the gain, but safer you will find—

       For a single man gets bottled on them twisty-wisty stairs,

       An' a woman comes and clobs 'im from be'ind.

      When you've turned 'em inside out, an' it seems beyond a doubt

       As if there weren't enough to dust a flute

       (Cornet: Toot! toot!)—

       Before you sling your 'ook, at the 'ousetops take a look,

       For it's underneath the tiles they 'ide the loot.

      (Chorus) Ow the loot!...

      You can mostly square a Sergint an' a Quartermaster too,

       If you only take the proper way to go;

       I could never keep my pickin's, but I've learned you all I knew—

       An' don't you never say I told you so.

      An' now I'll bid good-bye, for I'm gettin' rather dry,

       An' I see another tunin' up to toot

       (Cornet: Toot! toot!)—

       So 'ere's good-luck to those that wears the Widow's clo'es,

       An' the Devil send 'em all they want o' loot!

       (Chorus) Yes, the loot,

       Bloomin' loot!

       In the tunic an' the mess-tin an' the boot!

       It's the same with dogs an' men,

       If you'd make 'em come again

       (fff) Whoop 'em forward with a Loo! loo! Lulu! Loot! loot! loot!

       Heeya! Sick 'im, puppy! Loo! loo! Lulu! Loot! loot! loot!

      'Snarleyow'

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      This 'appened in a battle to a batt'ry of the corps

       Which is first among the women an' amazin' first in war;

       An' what the bloomin' battle was I don't remember now,

       But Two's off-lead 'e answered to the name o' Snarleyow.

      Down in the Infantry, nobody cares;

       Down in the Cavalry, Colonel 'e swears;

       But down in the lead with the wheel at the flog

       Turns the bold Bombardier to a little whipped dog!

      They was movin' into action, they was needed very sore,

       To learn a little schoolin' to a native army corps,

       They 'ad nipped against an uphill, they was tuckin' down the brow,

       When a tricky, trundlin' roundshot give the knock to Snarleyow.

      They cut 'im loose an' left 'im—'e was almost tore in two—

       But he tried to follow after as a well-trained 'orse should do;

       'E went an' fouled the limber, an' the Driver's Brother squeals:

       "Pull up, pull up for Snarleyow—'is head's between 'is 'eels!"

      The Driver 'umped 'is shoulder, for the wheels was goin' round,

       An' there ain't no "Stop, conductor!" when a batt'ry's changin' ground;

       Sez 'e: "I broke the beggar in, an' very sad I feels,

       But I couldn't pull up, not for you—your 'ead between your 'eels!"

      'E 'adn't 'ardly spoke the word, before a droppin' shell

       A little right the batt'ry an' between the sections fell;

       An' when the smoke 'ad cleared away, before the limber wheels,

       There lay the Driver's Brother with 'is 'ead between 'is 'eels.

      Then sez the Driver's Brother, an' 'is words was very plain,

       "For Gawd's own sake get over me, an' put me out o' pain."

       They saw 'is wounds was mortial, an' they judged that it was best,

       So they took an' drove the limber straight across 'is back an' chest.

      The Driver 'e give nothin' 'cept a little coughin' grunt,

       But 'e swung 'is 'orses 'andsome when it came to "Action Front!"

       An' if one wheel was juicy, you may lay your Monday head

       'Twas juicier for the niggers when the case begun to spread.

      The moril of this story, it is plainly to be seen:

       You 'avn't got no families when servin' of the Queen—

       You 'avn't got no brothers, fathers, sisters, wives, or sons—

       If you want to win your battles take an' work your bloomin' guns!

      Down in the Infantry, nobody cares;

       Down in the Cavalry, Colonel 'e swears;

       But down in the lead with the wheel at the flog

       Turns the bold Bombardier to a little whipped dog!

The Widow at Windsor

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      'Ave you 'eard o' the Widow at Windsor

       With a hairy gold crown on 'er 'ead?

       She 'as ships on the foam—she 'as millions at 'ome,

       An' she pays us poor beggars in red.

       (Ow, poor beggars in red!)

      There's 'er nick on the cavalry 'orses,

       There's 'er mark on the medical stores—

       An' 'er troopers you'll find with a fair wind be'ind

       That takes us to various wars.

       (Poor beggars!—barbarious wars!)

       Then 'ere's to the Widow at Windsor,

       An' 'ere's to the stores an' the guns,

       The men an' the 'orses what makes up the forces

       O' Missis Victorier's sons.

       (Poor beggars! Victorier's sons!)

      Walk wide o' the Widow at Windsor,

       For 'alf o' Creation she owns:

       We 'ave bought 'er the same with the sword an' the flame,

       An' we've salted it down with our bones.

       (Poor beggars!—it's blue with our bones!)

       Hands off o' the sons o' the Widow,

       Hands off o' the goods in 'er shop,

       For the Kings must come down an' the Emperors frown

       When the Widow at Windsor says "Stop"!

       (Poor beggars!—we're sent to say "Stop"!)

       Then 'ere's to the Lodge o' the Widow,

       From the Pole to the Tropics it runs—

       To the Lodge that we tile with the rank an' the file,

       An' open in form with the guns.

       (Poor beggars!—it's always they guns!)

      We 'ave 'eard o' the Widow at Windsor,

       It's safest to let 'er alone:

       For 'er sentries we stand by the sea an' the land

       Wherever the bugles are blown.

       (Poor beggars!—an' don't we get blown!)