The Devil's Dictionary. Амброз Бирс

The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty.

      O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,

       First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

       You sit there so calm and securely,

       With feet folded up so demurely—

       You're the First Person Singular, surely.

      Polydore Smith

      BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

      BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

      BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

      BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

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      CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

      CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

      The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

      CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

      CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

      When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."

      CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

      CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels—the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

      CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

      CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

      CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

      CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons—including all the assassins—entertain grave misgivings.

      CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

      As Death was a-rising out one day,

       Across Mount Camel he took his way,

       Where he met a mendicant monk,

       Some three or four quarters drunk,

       With a holy leer and a pious grin,

       Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

       Who held out his hands and cried:

       "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.

       Give in the name of the Church. O give,

       Give that her holy sons may live!"

       And Death replied,

       Smiling long and wide:

       "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee—a ride."

       With a rattle and bang

       Of his bones, he sprang

       From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

       By the neck and the foot

       Seized the fellow, and put

       Him astride with his face to the rear.

       The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

       Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell:

       "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

       Will ride to the devil!"—and thump Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away. Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild, wild eyes Of the rider—in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head and objecting To further proceedings in its behalf. Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his horse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was appointed Prior.

      G.J.

      CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

      CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum—whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum—"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

      CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

      This is a dog,

       This is a cat.

       This is a frog,

       This is a rat.

       Run, dog, mew, cat.

       Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

      Elevenson

      CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

      CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:

      His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to

       overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives

       they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here

       commemorated by his family, who shared them.

       In the earth we here prepare a

       Place to lay our little Clara.

      Thomas M. and Mary Frazer

      P.S.—Gabriel will raise her.

      CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived