A Cosy Christmas in Cornwall. Jane Linfoot

like that in future.’

      As we round the corner at the rear of the castle the courtyard is already flooded with light, and the trolley lurches again. This time the buckets go clattering across the stone flags and I’m cursing Bill’s bad cornering as I chase them across the lawn. It’s only when I’ve finally collected them all that I turn and see the reason they fell – the package stack he swerved to avoid is as big as a wall. As we manoeuvre around the boxes I’m looking at Merwyn.

      ‘So where did the driver go?’

      I’m noticing the steam coming off the hot tub, when there’s a high pitched giggle. Then a cloud of blonde curls bobs up over the edge and I do a double take. ‘Miranda?!?!’ Seeing as she’s Libby’s mum, just in time I manage to stop myself being super-rude and asking what the hell she’s doing here.

      She picks up a champagne glass from the side and takes a swig. ‘Ivy! You’re looking beyond cute in your woolly hat! And after everything that’s happened too, it’s so lovely to see you’re here and looking so well.’

      You know what mums can be like, even other people’s, bringing up all the stuff you’d rather not talk about. And as if it wasn’t enough of a shock finding Fliss and Libby’s mum here ten days earlier than she’s pencilled in on the arrivals list, a second later another head bobs up beside her.

      Miranda’s waving her fizz. ‘Top tip, if you travel with champagne and glasses like we do, you’ll never go far wrong. We thought we might as well make ourselves at home and have a dip while we waited for you to get back. There’s someone here I’ve been dying for you to meet – Ivy, this is Ambrose.’

      This is the first I’ve heard of Ambrose, but whatever. As I coax Merwyn forward so I can reach his dripping fingers and try not to tread on their clothes pile, I’m aware I’ve been here before.

      ‘Enchanté, Ivy.’ Ambrose’s voice is as deep and luxuriant as his tan, even if his greeting is a bit naff. He flicks an iron grey curl back off his forehead then picks up his own glass and dips his shoulders back under the water.

      As I launch into the introductions I refuse to sound disappointed that someone else has arrived. I mean, I’m not, so why would I? ‘So this is Bill the castle caretaker, and Merwyn, who’s slightly Tibetan and currently a contender for the cutest dog in the world.’

      Bill’s cough is low beside me. ‘So long as he’s not burying your underwear.’

      ‘If you’re wondering why we’re here so early …’ It’s a relief that Miranda’s read my mind and is talking over Bill. When she breaks off to smile at Ambrose, she’s looking as if she could eat him whole. And then go back for seconds. ‘… well, it’s a complete secret from Libby, but Ambrose and I thought we’d snatch a few romantic days here on our own before the family arrive. You won’t tell on us will you?’

      Ambrose steps in to help. ‘You know the first rule of house parties … the early birds get the best rooms.’ He laughs. ‘But you must do, you’re here. And Miranda isn’t settling for anything less than a four poster master suite, by the way.’

      Miranda’s eyes are such a startling blue, and so full of warmth and concern, I can completely see why she’s rarely without a husband. ‘You look worried, sweetheart. It is okay for us to be here?’

      ‘It’s fine.’ I take a deep breath and decide to go for a white lie. ‘The last let needed the place empty …’

      Miranda jumps in before I finish. ‘Oh my, was it for a photo shoot? No wonder either, the place is amazing.’ She nudges Ambrose so hard he almost slides off the shelf at the side of the tub. ‘We said it looks pretty enough to be a film set, didn’t we, Ambie? It’s just like the castle on Frozen.’

      It isn’t at all. This one’s way prettier, but I’m not going to argue. ‘So long as you don’t mind that we’re still moving things back in?’ We’re here to make dreams for guests, not shatter illusions, so I don’t say any more.

      I’ve known Miranda years, ever since Fliss and I were art students at St Martins in London and we used to go to stay with her in her flat in Brighton. As a mum she’s a bit off-the-wall, if only because ever since their dad died when Fliss was ten she’s been a stalwart mum, but as Fliss always says, she’s gone through her men like a dose of salts. But other than the revolving-door guys, she’s always the same – generous and warm, laid back, welcoming and fun, easy to be with, and we all love her to bits. I take it from the bare third finger on her left hand that’s dangling over Ambrose’s bronzed shoulder, and his absence from the guest list, that he’s a relatively new addition.

      Her love life was going through such a turbulent patch when Fliss and Rob were getting married, in the run-up to the wedding they gave up trying for a definite name, and just put Mother of the Bride’s plus one on the table plan. Whoever it was she brought – none of us are that good pinpointing names, except Libby who writes everything down which takes the pressure off everyone else, including Miranda, because they know they can always check in her archives – the first and last time Fliss met that one was when he turned up on her wedding photographs and the top table.

      Miranda’s beaming. ‘Of course we don’t mind, we’ll help won’t we?’

      Judging from his white knuckles on the tub side, this time Ambie’s ready for the nudge she’s about to give him. He grins at her. ‘When we’re not in here, we will.’

      Miranda’s locked her gaze elsewhere. ‘He’s joking, Bill.’ Her laugh is low and chesty. ‘I’m an artist, I’m very creative, I don’t mind rolling up my sleeves.’

      Ambrose’s laugh is a low echo. ‘You can say that again.’

      ‘Not appropriate, Ambie.’ There’s a throaty peel of laughter and a gigantic wall of water splashing over the stone flags as Miranda shoulders Ambie off the tub shelf and he disappears below the waves. As Ambie splutters his way back to the surface, Bill is still getting the benefit of her cherubic full-beam smile with an extra dose of static crackle. ‘Did you see that, Bill, that’s what happens to men who don’t behave.’ Miranda folds her arms across her chest squeezing her more than ample bazumbas and cleavage into view above the waterline. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t let you down.’

      You only need to see the look on Bill’s face to read the writing in his invisible thought bubble.

      FUCK!!! FUCK!!! and WHAT THE FUCK?!!! There might also be a teensy whimpering Get me out of here! too.

      ‘Okay, Bill?’ As I give him a nudge, he comes to and gives a cough.

      ‘So, just to be clear, there’s no smoking in the castle, the courtyard, or the car parking areas.’ The furrows in his brow deepen as he eyes her tobacco tin and Rizla papers next to the towel. ‘Or the coach house … or the distillery.’

      I’m beaming to cover my own WTF? ‘And thanks, Bill, for that lovely welcome.’

      Miranda’s still twinkling at him. ‘But roll ups will be fine, won’t they? Because they don’t actually count as cigarettes?’

      He hasn’t even flinched. ‘Roll ups are banned too. And any tab ends go in the sand buckets by the doors, we don’t want you dropping them around the grounds or on the sand.’

      Miranda’s winking at him in mock horror. ‘What, you own the beach now?’ She’s such a tease.

      Bill’s not seeing the funny side. ‘It is with the castle, yes, but we do let people walk on it. But not if they drop cigarette ends.’

      She’s completely unbothered. ‘I eat little boys like you for breakfast, Bill!’ There’s another chortle. ‘But I’ll let you off today. And you can tell whoever is king of your very lovely castle that we’ll behave impeccably.’

      Bill carries on as if he hasn’t heard. ‘No horseplay in the hot tub either. If we get ice on the courtyard, the hot tub will be emptied. Immediately. And just