Born Weird. Andrew Kaufman

in the phone book.”

      “Right.”

      “Do you want to know how long I waited?”

      “Yes!”

      Angie took her phone out of her purse. She checked the timer. “Forty-seven minutes,” she said. “And twenty seconds from right … now.”

      “That’s not so bad.”

      “No. I guess it isn’t.”

      “Can you give me five minutes?”

      “Of course,” Angie said, setting the timer again. Lucy turned. She ran up the steps to her house. Her hair was just as ragged in the back.

      Angie had always known her sister to be tightly wound. Lucy had obsessed over her grades. She was considered one of the prettiest girls in her school, yet she never went out with anyone. At the same time she was a bit of a slut, although her choice of partners had always seemed more than literally beneath her. Growing up Lucy had always disliked surprises. As Angie stood on the sidewalk in front of her house, she assumed that her sister’s desire for control had finally broken her.

      Angie’s timer dinged. She walked across the front lawn, which was manicured to a golf-green perfection. Picking the blades of grass off her shoes Angie knocked on the door. It was immediately answered.

      “Angie!” Lucy called.

      “May I come in?”

      “Please do,” Lucy said, and Angie stepped inside.

      Two skinny floor rugs lay side by side in the hallway. Angie stood by the door. She could see into the living room, where matching white armchairs were pushed against the far wall. Both rooms were without coffee mugs or newspapers or anything accidental. It did not look like anyone lived there. It looked like an advertisement.

      “Can you take your shoes off?” Lucy asked.

      “Um …”

      “Please.”

      “Give me a minute,” Angie said. She sat on the floor and lifted her feet into the air.

      “Come on, Angie, you’re a big girl now.”

      “Obviously you’ve never been pregnant.”

      “It’s not too late,” Lucy said. She crossed her arms. Angie kept her feet in the air. The effort strained her stomach muscles.

      “If you want them off you’ll have to do it,” Angie said.

      “So, what? You never take your shoes off?”

      “It’s just hard.”

      “You sleep in those shoes?”

      “You can’t just help me out here?”

      “Not if you can’t help yourself!”

      “Fine,” Angie yelled. She wedged off her left shoe with her right foot. It flew into the air and landed upside down on the left rug. She did the same with the other shoe, which landed on the right rug. Lucy collected both shoes. She set them inside the hall closet, next to her own. Then she reached out her hand and helped Angie to her feet.

      “The hard part is getting them back on.”

      “Well, maybe I can help you with that,” Lucy said.

      The two sisters walked into the living room. Lucy sat in the left armchair. Angie lowered herself into the other one. She watched her sister, knowing that Lucy would be trying to predict what she was about to say. Angie waited some moments. She waited a few more. Then she just came out with it.

      “I went to see the Shark!” Angie said. This was the name the Weird siblings routinely used when referring to their grandmother.

      “Good God why?”

      “Didn’t expect that, did you?”

      “No. I did not.”

      “She says that she’s on her deathbed.”

      “Again?”

      “I know, I know.”

      “Is she still on Blake Street?”

      “No. She’s in the hospital. Vancouver and District. Room 4-206.”

      “Do tell.”

      “Don’t get excited. She doesn’t seem sick at all. She does however claim that she will die on her birthday.”

      “Very dramatic.”

      “She was pretty convincing, Lucy.”

      “You’re the only one who still falls for the bleeding nose thing.”

      “She also claims—”

      “It’s not as if we all couldn’t do it. So handy for getting out of phys. ed., remember?”

      “She also claims that she gave us all special powers when we were born.”

      “Beautiful.”

      “At the time she thought they were blessings. But now she realizes that they were curses.”

      “Blursings!”

      “Let me finish—”

      “What did you get?”

      “Listen to me!”

      “What does she claim to have given you?”

      “I can always forgive.”

      “And me?”

      “You’re never lost.”

      “She always liked you better.”

      “Luce! Listen! I believe her!”

      “Oh you do not.”

      “I’m starting to,” Angie said. She looked up at her sister. She wished everything didn’t always have to be so hard. “Ask yourself. Have you ever been lost?”

      “I have a natural sense of direction.”

      “Exactly. And I’ve let almost everybody I’ve ever met walk all over me.”

      “That’s not just low self-esteem?”

      “She’s charged me with collecting all of us and bringing everyone to her hospital room so that at the moment of her death she can lift the curses.”

      “She gave you—a quest?”

      “Don’t mock me.”

      “Don’t be mockable.”

      “Thirteen days …”

      “You’re really taking this seriously?”

      “It seemed like a lot of time but now it doesn’t.”

      “Does anyone know where Kent is?”

      “That seems like enough time? Right?” Angie asked. She looked at her sister and saw a mixture of pity and skepticism. “You think I’ve gone crazy.”

      “No. No. It’s just big. That’s all. A lot to take in.”

      “There were ladies falling unconscious and nurses rushing in and then the lights dimmed. She grabbed my arm and she wrote her phone number on it and I still can’t wash it off. Our plane was on fire! We had to make an emergency landing. We were all going to die! And then I called the number! I agreed to do it! Then the plane landed safely!”

      “Do you want some tea? I have the kettle on.”

      “Are you hearing this?”

      “Do you really believe that the plane would have crashed if you hadn’t called the Shark?”

      “I think … yes, I do.”

      “Angie,