Sex & Intimacy 101. K. A. Bareki

Men’s shoes for instance are made with a particular focus on durability and appearance. We are not too colorful. We don’t wear pink, lilac or lemon-yellow shoes—well, at least not most of us. Women on the other hand look primarily for beauty, appeal, elegance and status. The shoes of women are made out of almost anything:plastic, leather, leatherette, suede, paper and fabric. The idea behind the shoe is beauty first and foremost and elegance. Durability? Yah well...I have seen tender puppies tear them apart!

      According to Wharton marketing professor Stephen J. Hoch, shopping behavior reflects gender differences coz “Women think of shopping in an inter-personal, human fashion and men treat it as more instrumental. It’s a job to get done,” Simply put ‘‘women shop, men buy’’. I went with my mother and my wife to a traditional restaurant (By the way, I don’t have a father, he’s late), so while we were there, mum fussed about the behavior of waiters. How they were frowning and all. All I wanted was fooood !

      I don’t know why God made me that way. The only reason I can give for not being interested in how waiters behave is that I am a man. Not that I don’t mind shit but for most of the time I would rather not care about frowning waiters. ‘‘What I found interesting is how women tend to be more focused on people while men act almost as if they are dealing with an ATM machine. In fact, they want to deal with an ATM machine. They really don’t want to deal with a person.” says Wharton marketing professor Stephen J. Hoch.

      Just to add on to Hoch’s view, I think man made the ATM and vending machine. They must have thought its the best way to get what you want without having to deal with attendant crap.

      What does all this have to do with sexing a woman? If women treat shopping like a big deal while men think largely of buying, that means woman are more interactive in shopping as well as in sex. She wants to hear your voice, what you think of her, how you feel about her and all that jizz. Men on the other hand don’t dwell so much on the emotion behind sex.Not that they don’t have emotions but rather the rubbing feels more worth consecrating on than all these other ‘girly’ feelings. How she looks, the feeling of penetration and positions matter largely to a man. But the woman while she’s in to the sex, wants to feel loved and wanted .In short while she is into the ‘‘emotion’’ of it the male is into the ‘‘motion’’ of it. What a difference!

       (b) Sexual differences

      All my books and sermons are like this. They always are at the beginning like a deviation from the central topic. I wanted you to understand the difference between both sexes before we proceed. If you skipped this stage, you have missed a very important lesson. Now what’s next? I want to tell you what happens when a man and a woman have sex. What happens to the male and what happens to the Female? How can you thoroughly sex a man or woman when you don’t know what really transpires during copulation. Okay, when a man and woman are in the bedroom there are no arbitrators or human rights activists. The light may be bright or dimly lit.... Ok before the light is bright or dimly lit, you met this guy or girl, loved her from the day you saw her. Was that love? Oh yah, let’s just say so, but it was just a feeling brought about by testosterone.

      The presence of hormones is obvious during the teenage stage and into our youth and adult stage. We thus have a lot of crushes at this stage. But for males,it’s got to be triggered by sight. You saw this person, were crazed by what you saw coz you liked it, and the rest became an oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone movie. They call it ‘‘love at first sight.’’ I think I remember feeling that way about my wife. I thank God I never had to have a crush on every girl. I am the ‘‘marriage type.’’ But I went through the spell of having a crush. Having a crush is a feeling that makes one weak and love stung. Until it happens to you, you won’t understand why the King’s bride in Songs of songs says,‘‘I am overcome by love,’’ (Songs of songs 2:5), or ‘‘I am faint with love’’,(Songs of songs 2:5). Have you ever loved someone to such an extent that you cannot look into a bathtub, or dishwashing basin and not see the face of your lover? When I met my wife, I could not act like a Shaolin monk. I had to admit that someone special has appeared. It did not matter to me how spiritual I was by then. That feeling won’t excuse you because you are a preacher. What do I mean by that? I mean that when you meet this person you somehow find yourself not knowing what to say or do. You panic, fumble and completely lose your cool. Has it ever happened to you?

      You see, when you have a crush, your stress response rises automatically triggering the presence of cortisol, a stress hormone. When you see this person you feel attracted to, you can shiver, experience crazy heart-beats and feel the same way you would if a ferocious criminal pointed a gun at you. There is that adrenalin effect in the body of a lover. You feel the same anxiety that is felt by Botswana’s loved athlet, Nijel Amos when he is racing in a stadium towards athletic victory. There is that fear in all sports persons comparative to a lover’s anxiety. That’s why Nike says ‘‘just do it.’’ If you are a guy, you feel everytime you meet this person you want her so badly that you are in a break it or make it moment. You wonder what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Ladies feel extremely shy. But both prospective lovers can’t sleep peacefully at night. The woman in Songs of songs tells us what happens when one has a crush. She says ‘‘I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night.” (songs of Songs 5:2).That’s typical of having a crush. Don’t you remember that high school crush?: —Or the severe crush at the end of elementary school. Unfortunately very few relationships from our younger days ever amount to anything but hormones.

      So,men have got more of the sex drive sponsoring testosterone hormone than women. This automatically makes men more sexually assertive than women. While a man is relatively always on, a woman needs to be turned on. That’s the part that most men don’t seem to get through their thick skull. But just because she is low on testosterone and responsive doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy sex. She does. Look, men are more like a sensory light. The sensory light detects movement and switches on automatically. Women on the other hand are like an electric stove. When you switch on an electric stove, it heats up gradually. When the cooking is over and you switch it off, the heat will gradually go off. That’s typical of a woman’s way of being aroused. Women view sex as largely emotional but men view sex as physical. That’s probably why that neighbor of mine said, ‘‘men are people who don’t attach much to sex, they can just fuck for the sake of fucking.’’ Now, I didn’t say that, she did... But then again, what turns on a man is different. He is looking at those curves, breasts, thighs and lips and can’t help but want you immediately. The more he sees you on those jeans, shoes and skirts, is the more interested he becomes. But you are not driven to sex him because of that chino trouser he is wearing. You feel horny because of the way he treated you today. His looks and body may count, but your sex driving edge borders around treatment. If only men understood this...the world would be a better place.

       Stage 1

      Now, what happens when people have sex? Many of us think love is a complicated word and that we can’t define it. Yes love is no simple word but sex it appears, is even more difficult to describe, especially as to how people feel when having sex and why. Some say they feel their mind goes blank. Others say it’s like a ride on virgin Atlantic. A blatantly honest guy says its like someone is hitting him with a hammer in the head and he is splitting into pieces. Is that so? This thing is strange. When people define love they don’t say such crazy things but with sex, the descriptions you get are as good as opening a can of worms. Okay, now, if you are a gentleman who doesn’t pounce on your lady without procedure, there should be foreplay at beginning of a sex act. But we are not there yet coz I have dedicated a whole chapter to foreplay. The first stage is the excitement stage. Am I right? During the excitement stage, the vagina becomes wet or lubricated some seconds, or minutes after proper foreplay has begun. The inner