Only When I Larf. Len Deighton

said the mark, and stole a self-conscious glance at me. I didn’t react.

      Bob said, ‘All they have to do is to sign a couple of papers and pin our cheque to them. These nominee bids are very simple. We usually use one of our Bay Street friends.’

      ‘That’s for you to decide when it’s a local deal, but when New York is involved, then I choose the nominees,’ said Silas.

      ‘I’m just a messenger,’ said Bob. ‘Mr Graham King will be telexing you about it.’

      ‘Miss Grimdyke. Go and see if there’s anything on the telex from Nassau.’

      I went and collected the fake message that I had typed with the machine set at local. When I brought it back Silas and Bob had finished the small quarrel that they had rehearsed. I looked around at them, pretending not to comprehend the strained silence. Silas grabbed the telex from me.

      AMALGAMATED MINERALS NYC

      AMALGAMIN NASSAU BAHAMAS

      TO SIR STEPHEN LATIMER

      FROM GRAHAM KING

      MY FELLOW DIRECTORS ALL OPPOSE ANY PLAN TO USE OUTSIDE MONEY BUT I WILL AGREE IN SPITE OF THAT IF YOU WILL CONFIRM THAT YOUR ACCOUNT ALREADY HOLDS THE NOMINEES PARTICIPATION STOP GLOVER IS ON THE COMPANY JET AND WILL BE WITH YOU AT ANY MOMENT STOP VILLAS READY ARE WE TO ARRANGE SUPER FACIL PARTY TONIGHT? I WILL STAY NEAR THIS TELEPRINTER IF THERE IS ANY DIFFICULTY GLOVER WILL SPEAK ON MY BEHALF.

      GRAHAM + + +

      AMALGAMATED MINERALS NYC

      Silas let the wire drift from his hands into those of the marks. Bob pretended to search for cigarettes and dropped a copy of a Nassau morning newspaper on the desk.

      ‘What I don’t understand,’ said Bob. ‘Is why we need outside money at all. Why can’t our stockholders supply the money? After all, the report said that we could expect a 78 per cent return on the investment.’

      ‘Ha, ha, ha,’ said Silas. The marks laughed too, although they seemed just as keen as Bob to hear the answer. Johnny, the short mark, took the Nassau newspaper and put it into his pocket.

      ‘A simple question, from a simple mind,’ said Silas. ‘So I’ll try to make it a simple answer.’

      Johnny laughed again, but softly, so as not to miss the reply. Silas said, ‘I appreciate your loyalty to the company Glover, to say nothing of your loyalty to the shareholders, but the story leaking out would tip our hand about the new harbour site immediately. Why, I’ve never even sent a memo to our Vice-Presidents. Yesterday, you had never heard of it Glover, am I right?’

      ‘Y … y … y … y … you’re right.’

      ‘This is secret; top damned cosmic secret as we used to say in the war.’

      ‘Can I ask you something?’ said Johnny the mark.

      ‘Shoot,’ said Silas.

      ‘After the deal goes through, and the land that Amalgamated Minerals doesn’t need, is resold, from where will we be repaid?’

      ‘I know what you are thinking,’ laughed Silas. ‘Sure, take your 78 per cent profit and tuck it away in good old tax-free Bahamas. No one will know. You will have paid Amalgamated Minerals New York City some money, and then got the same amount back again as far as the US tax people are concerned. Sure, buy a small hotel with your profits and you’ll be earning steady money right there in the sun.’

      ‘That would be great,’ said Johnny.

      ‘Big companies do it all the time,’ said Silas. ‘Why shouldn’t a couple of young men like you have a break once in a while.’

      The marks – who no one but Silas would have had the nerve to describe as young men – nodded their agreement. Silas poured another whisky for all of them and sipped gently. Then he excused himself for a moment and left the room.

      Bob offered his cigarettes around and as he lit one for Johnny he said, ‘When did you pay in your cheque for the extra bid?’

      The marks exchanged glances.

      ‘W … what’s going on here?’ asked Bob plaintively.

      ‘We haven’t paid it yet,’ said Johnny.

      Silas returned. ‘They haven’t paid the money,’ complained Bob to Silas, ‘and it’s too late now, the bank will be shut in a few minutes.’

      ‘That’s all right,’ said Silas.

      ‘I’m v … v … v … very sorry sir,’ said Bob, ‘but my orders are to confirm that Amalgamin hold the extra money.’

      ‘It will be all right.’

      ‘No,’ said Bob. ‘It’s not all right.’

      ‘Is it dignified Glover,’ asked Silas, ‘to argue the matter in front of my guests?’

      ‘No,’ said Bob, ‘but nor is it dignified to ask me to r … r … r … risk my job to help your friends make a lot of money. The telex put it clearly. If I confirm that you hold the money in your account when it’s not true, it will be more than my job’s worth.’

      Silas pursed his lips. ‘Perhaps you are right my boy.’ Bob pursued the thought, ‘So these gentlemen won’t be coming back with me to Nassau?’

      ‘There must be some way of getting over it,’ said Silas. ‘Look Glover,’ he said, being suddenly warm and reasonable, ‘suppose we see their cheque for a quarter of a million dollars, isn’t that as good as holding it?’

      ‘It isn’t sir.’

      ‘Be reasonable Glover. These are serious businessmen, they aren’t going to let us down.’

      The marks made noises like men who wouldn’t let anyone down.

      ‘All right,’ said Bob.

      ‘Bravo,’ said Silas and the marks looked pleased. ‘Well that’s what we will do,’ said Silas.

      Bob produced his small black notebook.

      ‘Another quarter million,’ repeated Silas. Bob wrote that down.

      ‘And the name of the nominee company that will bid?’ asked Bob.

      ‘The Funfunn Novelty Company,’ said Silas.

      ‘F … funfunn Novelty Company,’ said Bob. He sat down and laughed heartily. ‘Are you feeling O.K. sir? Why don’t you sit down for a moment and take two of your tablets.’

      ‘That’s enough of that Glover. Theirs is a large and prosperous concern. I’m very happy for us to be associated with them.’

      ‘So am I,’ said Bob still laughing, ‘but perhaps we can now … er …’ He made a motion with his hand.

      ‘Make out the cheque for this rather rude young man,’ Silas directed the marks as though he was their managing director. ‘And then you can put it right back into your pocket again. Just show him that the cheque exists.’

      The marks didn’t hesitate. Karl produced his cheque book and the other fumbled for a pen. Silas did nothing to help them. He didn’t even offer them Winston Churchill’s pen.

      ‘Damned red tape,’ Silas said angrily, ‘that’s what this is. Over his shoulder he said to the marks, ‘Don’t put Inc., it may be paid into the Amalgamin Ltd. Bahamas company. Leave it Amalgamin, just Amalgamin. Pure red tape, no need for this cheque to be made out at all.’

      I watched the marks: Jones and Poster. Sign in your best handwriting. Down went the nib. Kyrie. Three thousand voices split the darkness like a shaft of golden sunlight. Valkyrie; echo of hunting horns and tall flames of the pyre. The Vienna State Orchestra and Chorus responded to the stroke of Poster’s pen. Gods of Valhalla assemble in the red night sky as the cheque