Only When I Larf. Len Deighton

said the clerk. ‘Amalgamin I mean, why have they written it with a gap in the middle of the name?’

      ‘The next time you see the cashier of Funfunn Novelty Company you’ll just have to ask him,’ I said. ‘Because frankly it’s not a firm we want to do business with again.’

      ‘It’s not the cashier,’ said the clerk. ‘It’s two partners. Both partners sign.’

      ‘Um,’ I said. I finished writing a cheque for $260,000. I slid it across the counter. I calculated that would leave $557.49 less bank charges in the account we had opened in the name of Mr and Mrs Amalgamin.

      ‘Is it Greek?’ said the clerk.

      ‘What?’ I said.

      ‘The name. Is it a Greek name, Amalgamin?’

      ‘Estonian,’ I said. ‘It’s a common Estonian name. There’s whole blocks full of Amalgamins, in the Bronx.’

      ‘No fooling,’ said the clerk. ‘It’s a nice name.’

      ‘We’re not complaining,’ I said.

      ‘That case won’t hold them,’ said the clerk.

      ‘It will,’ I said. ‘The same thing happened last Easter. That size cash case will hold the notes. Then we can fill up with packs of coin.’

      He shrugged. ‘One thing I’ll tell you,’ said the clerk. ‘If I’m stuck out in Jersey for the weekend, with just a quarter million dollars between me and boredom; I’ll have you deliver it, not him.’ He stabbed a finger at Bob.

      I smiled and acted embarrassed, and then they started. One nice, soft, crumpled, used ten-dollar bill fell into that case and they kept falling like green snowflakes.

      ‘I know Mr Karl Poster of Funfunn Novelties,’ said the clerk. ‘I know them both in fact, but Mr Poster I know best. I like him.’ He went on packing the dollar bills into the case. ‘Never too busy to pass the time of day.’ He broke one bundle of notes so that he could get half of them down the side of the case. ‘Plays squash at lunchtimes. He’s good, really good, beats me every time. Pro class, I’d say.’

      Bob was watching me out of the corner of his eye. The clerk said, ‘So you don’t like him, well I think he’s a nice guy.’

      ‘We’ve got a dispute with his company,’ I said. ‘They’re slow to pay. Karl Poster is another thing again. I like Karl Poster.’ The funny thing was, I did like him, Karl Poster was my type.

      ‘He’s a nice guy,’ said the clerk. He closed the case and held it while Bob locked it and snapped the chain and bracelet to his wrist. ‘That should do you now. Get heisted with that, and they take you too.’ The clerk gave a little salute. ‘Take it away colonel,’ he said. ‘Happy weekend.’

      3

      Silas

      Bob and Liz departed exactly on schedule. I turned to the two marks. Jones the short, red-faced one polished his shoes with a Kleenex tissue. He saw me looking at him and tucked the tissue out of sight.

      ‘I’ll run through the project again,’ I said. ‘I want you to be quite sure of what’s happening. You can still back out of this anytime and no bad feeling.’

      Johnny Jones, the shorter of the two, adjusted his monogrammed pocket handkerchief and stretched his hand out in a gesture of friendly negation that revealed a heavy gold wristwatch. He said, ‘You needn’t explain the scheme, Sir Stephen …’

      ‘Not my way of working,’ I said fiercely. I had them now. People talk of confidence tricks only if they know nothing about them. There is no set trick, no set plan. You get the marks into a state of trance, motivated entirely by their own avarice. Paranoia in reverse I call it, a desire to trust or depend upon. These two fellows were already touring their VIP harem in the Bahamas, or somewhere downtown spending their 78 per cent profit. They hardly heard the words I spoke except in the way that a subject hears the soft assurances of a hypnotist.

      I flipped the switch of the squawk-box. ‘Get me Graham in Nassau,’ I said into the dead instrument. ‘Book a call for 5.30.’ I turned to the marks. ‘Unless you are completely au fait with the procedures and the safeguards for your investment then I wouldn’t go ahead.’ I chuckled, ‘I really wouldn’t. Do you know, the year before last, in Rome, I pulled out of a twenty-two million dollar deal, because my old friend the late Alfred Krupp said it was too technical for him to understand it. You see, I want you to test and mistrust me, because I have to test and mistrust the people I deal with.’

      Johnny Jones, the short mark, giggled. ‘But you are the most honest man I ever met. Why, the way you followed me out of the Club and gave me back a five dollar bill when I didn’t even remember dropping it. And the way you gave me the key of your apartment when you had only known me for an hour. You are the most trusting guy I ever did meet.’

      I looked him straight in the eye and nodded gravely. I said, ‘It’s nothing of which to be proud. The President of a company shouldn’t be too trusting, no matter what his personal feelings. Young Glover is right. When you are running a giant corporation, you’ve no business to trust anyone. He’s right, one of these days I’ll trust the wrong man and God knows what might happen.’ I bit my lip and let them think I’d been a little embarrassed by the argument with Bob.

      ‘Come on Sir Stevie,’ said Karl. He was the quieter of the two. He was tall and conservatively dressed in a shiny synthetic suit. I thought at first he was going to be trouble, but now I could see that I had them both. I really had them. I could get them dancing naked on the desk top, or throwing themselves out of the window. I was drunk with the power of it and terribly tempted to see how far I could take them. I almost suggested that all of us went out to the airport. I began weaving a fantasy story for them around that idea, imagining Bob’s face and Liz’s fright if I arrived on the airport concourse with these two and had them wave us off on the London flight. Wheeeee …

      ‘That’s it,’ said the fat one. ‘Let yourself go. A little bit of that son of a gun we met at the Playboy Club the other night.’ I realised that I had Wheeed aloud.

      I sat down in the swivel chair, switched on the desk light and put my head under it, pretending that it was a cold shower. Ug. ‘You must forgive me gentlemen,’ I said slowly. ‘But you’ll find that I live two lives. One life is my own and personal, but in the other one I take responsibility for a multi billion dollar corporation with over six hundred thousand employees of all nationalities. Just one foolish error could put all those people out of a job.’

      ‘And put you out of a job too,’ said Karl. We laughed. According to schedule Bob and Liz would be downstairs and presenting the cheque now. NOW. The fat one said, ‘Work and play are like Scotch and water. Keep them well apart, hey?’ I poured more drinks.

      I laughed politely. There was a silence. Johnny, the fat one, reached for a comb and ran it quickly through his thinning hair. I said, ‘You’ve probably heard the story of the English explorers who were attacked by African natives. This tall English chap is struck by a spear and then another, until there are so many spears in him that he looks like a pin cushion. Another member of the expedition looks at him and says, “My goodness, Roger, you are terribly, terribly cut about, you poor feller. Does it hurt?” and the fellow with the spears in him says, “No, by jove, Sydney. Only when I laugh”.’

      The marks laughed heartily and so did I. By now those bills should be packing tight into that case. I laughed without hurrying. The fat mark brought out a silk handkerchief and dried his merry eyes. I flipped up the squawk box switch and then switched it off.

      I said, ‘That’s a secret signal to me that I should go upstairs for a moment. If you gentlemen would give me fifteen minutes to say goodbye to our Stockholm chief and another ten to arrange an extra security guard for this floor over the weekend, I’ll be right back,’ I paused at the door. ‘What’s more gentlemen, I think this will give you a few minutes to have a private discussion about your investment,