Cathy Glass 3-Book Self-Help Collection. Cathy Glass

to. They are in charge and everyone works to their agenda.

      Regaining control

      The first thing to do is to get the child back into their place in the hierarchy, as a child: one who follows and is directed, not leader of the pack. You achieve this on a number of levels – through action, word and body language. Just as your child has slowly elevated their position and usurped yours, so you will be taking the reins again and regaining control, guiding and steering your child to acceptable behaviour. If you have a partner, it is essential you work together, and be prepared for a rough ride for the first two weeks. Your child will not give up his or her position easily – it’s good being leader of the pack: you get the first and best pickings.

      Zero tolerance

      What follows applies to a child of any age, although clearly the situations that need addressing will vary with age, and rewards and sanctions will need to be age appropriate. But the platform from which you will be working, whatever the child’s age, is the same: zero tolerance. In order to regain your control and get your child’s behaviour back on track, zero tolerance is absolutely essential in the first two weeks. Later, when you are in charge again and your child is responding, you can gradually ease up, but to begin with you are only going to accept acceptable behaviour. No argument – that is the bottom line.

      Address the key issues

      Step one begins with you and your partner deciding on the main areas in your child’s behaviour that are causing you both the greatest concern; these are the ones you will be addressing first. It may seem that all of your child’s behaviour needs correcting, but a number of key issues will stand out – for example, biting, kicking, swearing or refusing to do as asked. Leave more minor issues, for example untidiness, until you have corrected the main issues, but if you have already asked your child to do something or stop doing something, then see it through, even if it isn’t a high-priority issue. Your child needs to learn that when you say something you mean it, which may come as something of a revelation to begin with.

      You will be going back to the basics: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, with praise for positive behaviour and sanctions for negative behaviour. There is no room for debate during this initial two-week period as you establish your control as the parent, put in place the boundaries and guidelines, and make sure your child does as you have reasonably Requested.

      Decide on a routine

      Having decided on the main areas for correction, if you haven’t already got one, decide on your household routine. A routine, with its boundaries of expectations, is essential for any family to run smoothly, and is also a crucial framework for the changes you are about to make. It will include the following:

      * the time your child has to be up in the morning, washed, dressed and ready for school

      * what time you all sit down together for dinner in the evening

      * when homework is done

      * your child’s responsibilities and chores and when they should be done – for example, tidying away their possessions, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, etc.

      * bath, bedtime, etc.

      Routine is safe and secure, and once your child knows what is expected he or she can easily get it right and receive your praise – ‘Well done, Tom. You got straight out of bed at seven thirty as I asked.’

      Hold a family meeting

      Now you need to talk to your child about the changes you are about to make in their routine and behaviour, and why the changes are necessary. If you have a partner and/or other children, hold a family meeting. Not a long meeting – about ten minutes is fine. If there is just you and your child, sit them down facing you so that you have their attention while you talk.

      Explain the routine – going-to-bed time, homework time, household chores, etc. – but don’t expect your child to remember it instantly. He or she will need quite a few reminders to begin with, especially if there has been no routine and his or her day has been largely unstructured. If your child can tell the time, it’s a good idea to give him or her a watch, or put a clock in their bedroom. This will give your child responsibility for time keeping, which he or she will enjoy; it is also far more agreeable than you bellowing the time from the bottom of the stairs.

      As well as explaining your new routine, tell your child what the behavioural issues are that are causing you and your partner concern. These may seem obvious to you, but they won’t necessarily to the child, particularly if his or her negative behaviour has gone uncorrected for years. Tell your child that their behaviour is wrong and that it is going to change – i.e. that there will be no more biting, shouting, slamming doors, etc. Warn of the sanctions that will be applied if necessary, and finish your talk on a positive note by praising your child, even if it is only for sitting still and listening to you.

      Now start immediately: actions speak louder than words, and although your child or children listened to what you said they won’t appreciate that change is afoot until it actually happens.

      Use the 3Rs

      It won’t be long before your child puts you and the new boundaries to the test. It won’t necessarily be intentional, but old habits die hard. Remember, the policy is zero tolerance, so do not ignore any negative behaviour if it is on your list as a priority to change.

      

       Let’s say you have just had your family meeting, and Jack has gone off to watch television while you finish making dinner. Dinner is ready and you call everyone to come – you will be taking your evening meal together as a family from now on, even if it’s just you and Jack. Jack, however, is used to eating when it suits him (as he is used to doing most things), and it doesn’t suit him to eat right now.

      You Request Jack to come to dinner – ‘Jack, dinner time. Switch off the television and come now, please,’ said within reasonable talking distance, not bellowing from one end of the house to the other. Jack doesn’t do as you have asked. He has heard you but sees no reason to change the behaviour of the past. You Repeat your Request – ‘Jack, I’ve asked you to come to dinner. Now, or I’ll be stopping television time’ (or whatever sanction you are going to use). Jack doesn’t, so you Reaffirm. You go to him and say, ‘Jack, I have asked you to come for dinner, so I am switching off the television.’ You switch off the television and Jack is absolutely furious. How dare you! He yells at you and tries to switch on the television again. You talk calmly but firmly, and explain that the television is staying off, as it is dinnertime. Jack attempts to switch on the television and curses you, so you tell him he has lost half an hour’s viewing (when he would normally have watched television) for not doing as you have asked. And you unplug the television. Jack is even more angry now and is storming around and yelling. You tell him to go to his room for quiet time until he has calmed down. He refuses. You come out of the room, thus enforcing quiet time on Jack.

      If Jack defiantly plugs in and switches on the television, either remove the television from the room (and make it inaccessible to him) or, if that is not practical, take the fuse from the plug. Whatever you have to do, do it. Jack will not be watching the television, and he will be amazed. Nothing like this has ever happened before and he will now be starting to see that you are serious in your Request. He will probably shout and storm some more; then he will eventually come for dinner – there is no television so he may as well eat. Praise him, but not effusively – ‘Good boy, Jack’ – and congratulate yourself. You have just succeeded in taking the first very big step to regaining control of Jack and getting his behaviour back on track.

       However, remember that when Jack asks for the television on again after