Black Boxes. Caroline Smailes

scale from there to there?~

       ~And what acts must I pass through from there to there?~

      I don't have a ruler.

       ~How can I pinpoint the exact centre?~

      I fear that my estimation may be slightly off.

       ~Should I use my fingers?~

      [sound: unrecognisable sounds, possibly groans]

      I had thirty-six hours.

      I could have taken the morning-after pill.

      I knew where to go and what to say.

      The surgery on campus was always well stocked.

      I could have gone.

      Taken the pill.

      Felt nauseous.

      Probably thrown up.

      And you'd never have known.

      You'd probably not even have noticed.

      But I didn't go.

      i didn't think that there was a need.

      I didn't think.

       ~I did think.~

      I didn't think.

       ~I did think.~

      I didn't think. I don't know.

      [sound: banging wardrobe door]

       ~Oh stop shouting!~

       ~Stop the noise!~

      Your voice is too loud.

      You're making me blink.

       Blink.

       Blink.

      [sound: humming of an unrecognisable tune]

      Your constant questioning is ruining my memory.

       ~What do you mean?~

      I don't know what I was trying to achieve.

      There wasn't a goal.

      I dislike the word goal.

      I'd be happier with aim.

      Ambition.

      Target.

      Aspiration.

      Goal carries connotations of sporting achievement.

      Our intercourse was hardly award winning.

      [sound: laugh to snort]

      I didn't think.

      Really I didn't.

      [sound: laugh to snort]

      I didn't think that there was a need.

      I mean I remember knowing that I had thirty-six hours.

      I remember thinking of hours.

      And waiting for those hours to pass.

      I could have taken the morning-after pill.

      Perhaps I should have taken the morning-after pill.

       ~I didn't think.~

      I did think.

       ~I didn't think.~

      I did think.

       ~I didn't think.~

      I don't know.

      I don't know.

      [sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]

      Ok. Ok.

       ~I did think!~

      [silence]

      There was a moment.

      It came like a wave.

      I saw it coming.

      And I began to think.

      My mind began to wander into a future.

      Into our future. And I liked what I saw.

      And so I rode.

      I jumped in.

      I allowed nature to decide.

      It wasn't my decision.

       ~It was out of my hands.~

      What would be would be.

      [silence]

      Que sera sera.

      [sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]

       ~Don't be angry.~

       ~It's too late to be angry!~

      I'm only telling you now because this is my last chance.

      You see.

      I thought that it would be a sign.

      A measure of what was meant to be.

      I thought that if it was what we needed.

      If a greater being had decided that it was what was needed to be.

      You know.

      To make us be together.

      Forever.

      Then it would be.

      I was putting it in the hands of a greater being.

      It was out of my control.

      [sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]

      You see.

      I love(d) you.

      And I wasn't trying to trap you.

      And I didn't want it to happen.

      Want.

      Verb + object.

      Want a baby.

      [silence]

      Even if I had wanted.

      I couldn't have planned.

      [sound: a hoarse laugh]

      Verb: To plan.

      Etymology: French perhaps.

      To map.

      To scheme.

      To arrange.

      To plot.

      I couldn't have planned for it to happen.

      I've already said.

      I can count the times on my right hand.

      One.

      Two.

      Three.

      I couldn't have planned it.

      You had a problem with ejaculation.

       ~Is that clear enough for you?~

      Ejaculation.

      It's kind of a pretty sounding word.

       ~Don't you think?~

      [sound: a guttural laugh]

      [silence]

      Verb: Ejaculate.

      To eject words or sperm.

      Not sperm.

      Let me be proper.

      Semen.

      Spunk.

      To release words.