Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat. Gael Lindenfield

scientific control over human subjects without depriving them of freedom and privacy and the help they often need and deserve. So research data on the exact causes of mental health problems is still frustratingly inconclusive and most of the debate, therefore, has a strong subjective ring to it.

      Much of the disagreement and argument centres around what is commonly called ‘the nature/nurture debate’. On the one hand, there are those who believe that almost all problems stem from biochemical or genetic faults (nature), on the other hand are those who believe that all problems can be traced back to parenting and other socialization factors (nurture) – and many other people retain a foot in both camps. Those who believe that the mismanagement of anger can be a cause of mental ill-health are most likely to be found closest to the nurture end of the spectrum.

      MY OWN EXPERIENCE

      My own views on this subject have certainly been largely formed as a direct result of both personal and professional experience with anger. When I first entered the profession of psychiatric social work I was firmly positioned at the ‘nature’ end of the continuum. I felt very comfortable embracing the medical model of mental illness and quickly became skilled at the art of making elaborate diagnoses and prognoses. I was particularly ‘hot’ on spotting the difference between a psychotic and neurotic illness. I had a very clear idea of what was ‘mad’, what was ‘sad’ and what was merely ‘bad’ behaviour. Although I was not trained as a doctor, I prided myself on the fact that the psychiatrists could always rely on my advice concerning medication and rehabilitation programmes. I could be trusted to work with patients because there was no fear that I would upset them by delving too deeply or stirring their troubled emotions. I was not uncaring, in fact, I was completely dedicated to my work and cared very deeply about patients’ welfare. I was an energetic force in the campaigns to unlock wards and abandon white coats. In the community, I argued the case for mental illness to be seen with just the same compassion as any other illness because ‘they’ needed our help and protection.

      With the wisdom of hindsight obtained through many later years of personal development work, I can now see that I adopted this professional patronizing mode to protect myself. I had spent much of my twenties secretly suffering and being treated for depression. On being cured, I was advised (by my psychiatrist!) to seek employment in a psychiatric hospital. I had a great need to see myself as completely cured and quite sane, and what better way to prove that than by becoming a valued and respected side-kick of eminent psychiatrists! For me, ‘feeling sane’ was actually feeling that the nice caring side of myself was in complete control of the seething pool of unexpressed and denied anger about my childhood and past life which was still deep within me. It was not until I started admitting and learning to manage, rather than deny, this anger that I realized what a big price I had been paying for my so-called sanity: I didn’t like myself (after all I knew that I was a ‘phony’); I still secretly nursed very black depressive thoughts; my body was becoming literally crippled with tension (I was having regular treatment for rapidly advancing arthritis which has now disappeared) and my personal relationships were far from perfect! I am now convinced that if I hadn’t dealt with my backlog of anger and subsequently learned how to manage frustration in a healthier manner, I could have become even more seriously mentally disturbed.

      So, initially, it was this very personal experience which convinced me of the link between anger management and mental functioning, but now I can add the weight of years and years of professional experience as a therapist, plus the testimony of many colleagues doing similar work, to reinforce this conviction.

      The Psychological Effects of Mismanaging Anger

      Here are some of the ways in which I believe mismanagement of anger can affect your mind (even though many other factors such as genes, biochemistry and physical damage and addiction may also be upsetting your mental equilibrium).

      Firstly, let’s just clarify what I mean when I am talking about depression. I am not referring to the occasional ‘blues’ caused by ‘feeling a bit off colour’ or by life just not going as well as it could. Neither am I talking about the short temporary feeling of sadness and despair we can feel when we are appropriately grieving over a loss. I am referring to a state of mind which makes a person feel, for a very extended period, as though they are ‘enveloped in a black cloud’ or are in a ‘deep black hole’ – and convinced that they (or anyone else) are totally powerless to do anything about it.

      In this state, the depressed person is likely to talk in very hopeless terms about themselves and the world. After a while, they may even give up talking about their despair and just act as though they didn’t care about themselves or their lives. They may not bother to eat properly, dress smartly or work efficiently. You can spot them indulging, more and more frequently, in self-destructive behaviour such as excessively drinking or smoking or taking more and more ‘silly’ risks such as driving carelessly or not bothering to watch their finances.

      When this state of mind sets in and becomes a ‘chronic’ condition, the chemistry of the person also becomes ‘depressed’. They have less energy, a reduced appetite, a need for an above average amount of sleep, etc. Their work performance will drop, their relationships will deteriorate (they are, after all, boring and frustrating to be with!) and so they become even more convinced of their uselessness and the futility of life.

      Although research has shown that some people who become depressed have a genetic history which predisposes them to develop bouts of this kind of ‘illness’, the way in which we habitually manage our emotions is, in my view, just as important a pre-determining factor. When I was struggling to understand the influences on my own depressive tendencies, I came across a book by Anthony Storr called Human Aggression, which certainly helped me to understand and change my own self-sabotaging anger habits. Similarly, it has also made sense to many hundreds of depressed people I have worked with in the last 25 years. Although it may never be able to be scientifically verified, I know that it is also one which is widely accepted by many other therapists and counsellors as well.

       They hate those whom they love since they cannot get from them what they really need, and since they dare not show this hate for fear of losing even that which they have, they turn it inwards against themselves.

       ANTHONY STORR

      Anthony Storr explained how and why depressives (i.e. people who habitually respond to stress and problems by becoming depressed) first start turning their anger inwards. The very first feelings of anger and frustration which they felt were usually in response to physical or emotional abuse or neglect from parents or parent figures. In these original, pattern-setting relationships, they were actually powerless and very unsafe.

      Unfortunately, the depressive’s originally useful way of coping with anger can become a habit which they then use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive a loss or frustration – even when they have no real cause to feel powerless or frightened. So that by the time they reach adulthood you can hear them blaming themselves for all sorts of unjust hurts. For example:

      – when you bump into them on the street they will say ‘I’m sorry’

      – if you snap at them unfairly after a hard day, they will respond with. ‘What did I say wrong?’

      – if you make them redundant for purely commercial reasons, they will take the news ‘philosophically’ because inwardly they feel they must have deserved the sack

      – if you indulge in a bit of flirtation with someone else they will blame themselves for not being attractive enough.

      Alternatively, if they can’t actually blame themselves (perhaps because the injury was so obviously not their fault), they will automatically go for the other ‘safe’ option and refuse to blame anyone, or anything. (The word ‘fate’ must have been coined by a depressive!) They become experts at ‘excusing’ and ‘forgetting’, even when they have been badly abused or hurt. Some of their favourite phrases (often used with a deceptively ‘nice’ brave smile), are:

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