Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat. Gael Lindenfield

journey from stimulus to response:

      1 The extent of the threat, hurt, violation or frustration. This could be very minimal or it could be extensive. There is, of course, a difference between having our place usurped in a queue at the supermarket and having our place usurped in the queue for promotion, or between having our purse snatched and having our house thoroughly ransacked and burgled. Generally speaking, the greater the extent of the hurt or violation, the greater the anger we might expect.

      2 The cause of the damage or frustration. An act which is perceived as wilfully malicious, such as a premeditated murder, will usually elicit a different response than one which is considered to be accidental or an ‘act of God’ such as a natural disaster. Similarly, we are likely to respond differently to frustration which is caused by an innocent young child or a handicapped person than to that which is caused by a healthy adult in full command of their reason.

      3 The likelihood of the anger trigger. For example, those of us who live in Britain may react more phlegmatically to a late train than do people who live in countries where trains are invariably on time! Similarly, if we are forewarned about a hurt or possible loss, our emotional reaction tends to be less intense than when we are taken by surprise by a traumatic event.

      As you have been reading this you have already begun to hear ‘buts’ echoing in your mind as you are reminded of several exceptions to the above ‘rules’. You may know someone who always gets uptight over the most trivial of frustrations, but who has taken a major catastrophe in their stride. You could even live with someone who goes mad when they think that you have borrowed their pen or their coat without permission, but is able to remain cool, calm and collected in the face of more serious violations of their rights. You may even yourself have found that you coped better when shocked by a sudden major loss than on the occasions when you have had plenty of time to prepare yourself for the worst. So, yes, the picture is even more complicated!

      We can see just how tortuous anger’s journey can be from the moment of the first hint of a trigger, to the feeling itself being stimulated, through to a response which we can actually feel or see. It is as though each potential stimulus to anger is strained through a web of complicated filters before it reaches its destination. In later chapters we will consider aspects of the process in more depth, as gaining a better understanding of our own personal version of it is an important step towards taking control.

      But for the moment let’s take a brief general overview of each of the stimuli. You may be interested to know that I did try to work out in my own mind which of the following factors usually had the most significant impact – and failed abysmally! Each time I put one at the top of the list, I could think of an example of an anger reaction which seemed to denote that it should be placed at the bottom. (Maybe some psychology research student reading this would like a new challenge?)

       ENVIRONMENT

      The setting in which we experience the anger trigger can play a very important part in the emotional journey. For example, take a moment to imagine your different reactions to someone bumping into you in the following environments:

      – a stuffy, crowded underground train (‘I might react with a little verbal abuse!’)

      – a lively noisy party (‘I might react with a humorous aside.’)

      – a bus queue on a bitterly cold day (‘I might grit my teeth and think “that’s typical!”’)

      – a queue for the beach bar on a tropical island (‘I might not even notice.’)

      – the stand at a football match (‘I wouldn’t be surprised.’)

      – in the corridor at work (‘I would expect an apology and be mad if I didn’t get one.’)

      – in a store which is being evacuated because of a bomb scare (‘I might bump them back if I were very frightened.’)

      I imagine that, like my own, your reactions would vary according to the kind of climate you were in, the amount of personal space you had and the noise levels around you. Research is proving that not only can these more obvious environmental factors play a part in fanning the flames of anger, but that there are also other elements which we need to take into account. One of these is air pollution which, in the form of noxious chemical odours, tobacco smoke and ozone-related smog, can also wield considerable negative influence.

      CULTURE

      There are many factors in this ‘anger filter’ as well. They range from the kind of country in which you were born to the ‘company culture’ you work with or the generation to which you belong. We shall be looking at these in more detail later, but just to start you thinking on these lines, use your imagination again to look at the different responses there might be to the news of redundancy from these various people from differing cultural backgrounds:

      – a woman brought up in a country where it is normal for a man to be the breadwinner (she might…)

      – a man brought up in a community where 50 per cent of the workforce is unemployed

      – someone living in a paradise where violence has never been known

      – a person who has religious beliefs that God is in control and has a reason for every apparent set-back

      – a person brought up in a family where every adversity was seen as an opportunity to prove courage and worth

      – a comedian working in a pantomime.

      So the culture in which we were brought up and the culture in which we live will shape the kind of response we make to any threat, hurt or frustration. In fact, our culture may influence whether we even notice the trigger. When I am teaching assertiveness training, for example, I find it is very common for some people not even to recognize when they are receiving a put-down, because it seems so ordinary (usually because that sort of remark was given in almost every other sentence throughout their childhood). Others, who come from much more genteel pastures, may have a tendency to overreact to the same remark, even when it is given in the spirit of a gentle tease.

      EMOTIONAL STATE

      When we are feeling happy and positive, how much easier it seems to be to absorb the odd knock or two than when we are feeling down and stressed. Perhaps you can recall walking through the rain or driving through a snowstorm during a period when you were passionately in love. You may not have noticed the puddles and quite possibly if a passing lorry driver splashed you with a shower of mud, you might have merely reacted with a shrug and friendly smile. But imagine the same walk or drive after a boring and depressing day at work – I doubt if the same lorry driver would recognize you and your reactions! Similarly, a waiter serving a cold cup of coffee at a station buffet when you are en route to an important interview might hear a different tone in your complaining voice than would a waiter serving you an even colder cup while you are relaxing in a Mediterranean cafe.

      PHYSICAL HEALTH

      I am writing this at a time of year when everyone around me seems to be in the grip of some minor viral infection – and irritability is therefore also in the air. The shopkeeper who chooses this week to short-change a man with a cold or a New Year hangover runs the risk of enraging him; a similar ‘mistake’ enacted upon the same man when he is at his peak of summer fitness may receive a quite different response.

      Last week I was reading a research paper that concluded in very erudite terms that people who are experiencing chronic pain are much more likely to feel irritation and anger than those who are not. Perhaps there are some people who need this fact proving scientifically. I don’t, because I can still remember with horror and guilt many occasions when I snapped irritably or shouted at my innocent children when I was in the throes of PMT. I can also remember