The Wedding Diaries. Sam Binnie

idea we’d seen him at the site of his knock-back. By his fifth bottle of beer, however, it was clear that Jen’s rejection had caused him to jettison his social skills entirely. Susie and Maggie were really enjoying him in a car-crash sort of way until the conversation took a fatal turn.

      Steve: That’s all well and good, guys, but you can’t really trust women, can you? I mean, I’m sure you had your reasons, Eric, but you can’t say that you don’t realise what a huge mistake it was to marry. Every day, right? [roars with manic laughter]

      Eric: Actually, Steve—

      Steve: You know it! All women are liars, cheats and deceivers. All they want is to grind a man under their heel, grind him down … break him … [sobbing]

      Even Eve had the sense to look uncomfortable by that point, tearing herself away from an ill-at-ease Thom who she’d been talking to at the edge of the garden (had she been backing out of bridesmaiding?). She dragged Steve into the kitchen to ‘help her with drinks’ and they left without sticking more than a goodbye arm back in the garden. Susie told Lily and Edward that it was worth remembering that actually, women were particularly brilliant, and the Twins responded by rote: ‘Gene Tierney, Aung San Suu Kyi, Marie Stopes and Marie Curie.’ Susie patted them both on the head and gave them a fruit kebab. Something tells me we won’t be seeing Steve again.

      September 29th

      Further emails with Jacki have confirmed that she has all her own staff for the wedding – the venue is booked, the dress is designed, the food arranged and even the hen party organised. From the little I’ve had to do with her, I’m not remotely surprised. But I am surprised to discover how much I like her: she’s not only incredibly professional and sweet, but pretty funny too.

      We had this correspondence yesterday:

      From: Carlow, Kiki

      To: Jacki Jones

      Subject: Engagement?

      Hi Jacki,

      Will you be happy to include details of how you and Leon got engaged in the book?

      Thanks again,

      Kiki

      From: Jacki Jones

      To: Carlow, Kiki

      Re: Engagement?

      Hi Kiki!!!!!!

      I am more than happy to have that in there. But we may need to freshen it up for the readers! I’m not sure how much they’d like to hear about me just grinding him down until he proposed.

      Jacs xxxxxxxxxxxx

      TO DO:

      Probably don’t recommend Jacki’s book to Steve.

      October’s Classic Wedding!

      ROMEO

      Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy

      Be heap’d like mine and that thy skill be more

      To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath

      This neighbour air, and let rich music’s tongue

      Unfold the imagined happiness that both

      Receive in either by this dear encounter.

      JULIET

      Conceit, more rich in matter than in words,

      Brags of his substance, not of ornament:

      They are but beggars that can count their worth;

      But my true love is grown to such excess

      I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.

      FRIAR LAURENCE

      Come, come with me, and we will make short work;

      For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone

      Till holy church incorporate two in one.

       Romeo & Juliet

      William Shakespeare

       October 2nd

      Oh Christ. I think I’d forgotten that we’d really have to invite people to this shindig. Talked briefly with Thom about doing it just with family somewhere quiet, and his face lit up. ‘Yes!’ he said. ‘We can do it so cheaply!’ Then I remembered The Dress and mumbled something about us having to learn to be sociable. I’ve been working on it all morning, and so far I’ve got:

      Me & Thom

      Susie & Pete (if he’s in the country)

      Twins

      Mum & Dad

      Thom’s Mum & Dad (Alan & Aileen) (10)

      Eve & her +1 of doom

      Jim and his +1

      Alice (& Gareth?)

      Carol (& husband Vincent)

      Norman from work & his +1? (Does Norman have a special someone? How can none of us know this? What goes on behind that silent façade?) (10)

      Rich (Thom’s best man) and his girlfriend Heidi

      Dave, Jules and Andy and their +1s, and Ben & Hester (Thom’s school pals) (went to Ben & Hester’s very drunken wedding a few years ago but we haven’t seen the other three since then)

      Six boffins from Thom’s uni course and their +1s (names from Thom – have only faint memories of them)

      Fiona (my first boss) and her boyfriend Mark

      Nick & his fiancée Rose, Tim, Clare and Sara (uni housemates) and their +1s (haven’t kept in particular touch with Tim and Clare, but can’t invite some and not all)

      Five of my course-pals from uni and their +1s (lived briefly with Lucy after graduation and see her about twice a year, but mainly get news of the others from her) (they were utterly hilarious at uni, though)

      Ruby, Ella and Vuk (friends from travelling) and their +1s

      Other Tom from terrible holiday job I did when I was 17, and his +1 (50)

      6 aunts, 7 uncles and 15 cousins between me and Thom (mostly me), including the v entertaining wonder that is cousin Emma (28)

      8 horrible sweaty men from Thom’s previous accountancy division with their anorexic, thick-haired public-school girlfriends/wives

      10 horrible piggy men from Thom’s current accountancy division with their slimdim Eurotrash girlfriends/wives

      2 quite nice men from Thom’s current accountancy division and their also-nice girlfriends

      1 horrible fat sweaty boss from Thom’s current accountancy division with his brutal, cold-eyed wife, living in terror that she’s about to be usurped by one of the Eurotrashers and she’ll be left with only their eight-bed townhouse, the Courchevel ski lodge, the New York apartment and the villa in Nice to comfort her (42)

      So, as it stands, that makes 140, and that doesn’t include the ‘family friends’ I’m sure Mum will insist on. It’s fine. We’ll get that down. Jacki’s will be over 400, she tells me, so really it’s still a nice quiet number.

      October 3rd

      It turns out that venue hunting is basically just like house hunting, with the only difference being that I will never get to live in places with a ballroom and an east wing. The money is just as eye-watering, though, and the venues themselves make me queasy in the same way that Alice’s Hermès handbags do: I don’t want to pour a cup of tea inside it, but the mere fact of its existence in proximity to me means it could happen. And I might, could, burn down a wedding venue. One careless sparkler, one stray sky lantern, and England has lost one of its top