Me and You. Claudia Carroll

butt of her gags just for the laugh, but now that we’re older, it’s somehow got nastier. Then my brother Toby wafts in after two of us, wanting nothing more than grub and to make an escape from the arse-numbing tedium of the party, knowing him. Both come after me into the kitchen and slam the door shut.

      ‘Come on then, answer the question, Angie, don’t obfuscate the issue,’ Madeline persists, instinctively knowing she’s hit on my weak spot. And now that she has, she’ll keep on and on at it till she’s drawn blood. ‘Are there or aren’t there any jobs coming your way, sometime this century?’

      ‘I just have to get these into the oven …’ I mutter vaguely.

      ‘Stop changing the subject,’ she says, perching up on the kitchen table now and elegantly picking at a single grape from corner of cheese platter. Probably all she’ll eat for the entire day. ‘Because sooner or later you’ve got to get yourself back out there into the jobs market. Got to up your game a bit. So you’ve had a few knocks – who hasn’t? Pointless hiding out at home, lazing around the house all day, just passively waiting on work to come to you.’

      Look appealingly over to Toby, who’s sitting in an armchair by my mother’s Aga, flicking through yesterday’s Times and stuffing his face with a large batch of cheese frittatas. Toby’s generally far more humane than Madeline. Will tease me to tears, then surprise me at the oddest times by actually sticking up for me.

      ‘Toby, tell her to back the feck off,’ I say pleadingly to him.

      ‘Aah, don’t be so touchy,’ he says, mouth stuffed, far more interested in the TV listings than in what’s going on over his head. ‘Mads just wants you to get a bit of work for yourself, that’s all.’ Then he thoughtfully adds, ‘But you know, in all fairness, sis, she does have a point. The longer a gap any potential employer sees on your CV, the less attractive you become in their eyes.’

      ‘Gee, thanks so much, Toby. “Et tu, Brute”, and all that,’ I hiss over at him, with what I hope is withering scorn.

      ‘All I’m trying to impress on you,’ Madeline drones on in that affected nasal whine that grates on my nerves so much, ‘is that you’ve just got to get up off your backside, get out there and make it happen. Can’t keep scrounging off the Aged Ps for ever, now can you?’

      I’ve been trying v., v. hard not to rise to the bait, but at that, the saliva in my mouth suddenly turns to battery acid. Is this honestly what this one thinks I’ve been at? Arsing round watching daytime soaps, when in fact I’ve practically been hammering doors down trying to get some work? Any kind of work?

      Oh, to hell with her anyway. I snap up from the oven, where I was shoving in yet another fresh batch of mini beef Wellingtons.

      ‘Excuse me,’ I tell her v. firmly, hands on hips, like a character out of a spaghetti western. ‘I’ve already had a job interview this week, I’ll have you know, thanks very much.’

      ‘Oh, really? What for?’ she scoffs. Can practically sense her getting riled up to test out what she thinks is her rapier wit on me.

      ‘For … a position. A really good one, as it happens. Something secure, just till I get back on my feet again.’

      ‘Where?’

      ‘Never you mind where.’

      I turn and bury my face deep in the fridge-freezer to avoid eye contact, pretending to rummage round back of it. Needless to say there’s absolutely no offer of help from Madeline, but then because she’s a lawyer, she clearly considers herself a cut above menial labour. Whereas, in her eyes, I may as well be the hired help with an apron on, saying ‘Just hand me a broom and call me Daisy from Downton Abbey.’

      ‘Stop avoiding my question, Angie, and just spit it out!’

      ‘No, now go away and leave me alone. The mini pizzas won’t defrost themselves, now will they? Toby? Call her off, will you?’

      ‘Jesus, I came in here for a bit of peace,’ Toby mutters disinterestedly, this time between gobfuls of mini gherkins. ‘So for feck’s sake, just tell Mads what your big interview was for and then the pair of you can shut up. Besides, bar you applied for a job as an exotic dancer, what’s the big deal anyway?’

      Deep sigh. Because he’s right: I know only too well that Madeline won’t let up with the third-degree questioning till I come clean. She’s worse than the KGB like that. I fully realise from years of dealing with her that it’s easier just to let her have all the jibes she wants at my expense, and get it over with. Quicker in long run.

      ‘Right then, have it your way. The job I applied for is in a catering company, if you must know.’

      ‘A catering company?’

      Then a short, two-second time delay while Madeline puts two and two together. ‘Oh my God, don’t tell me you mean like, buttering batch loaves in one of the sandwich bars your friend Sarah runs!’

      If I’d said the interview was for a job scrubbing public toilets and that the main perk was that after two years I’d be issued with my own brush and a bottle of Domestos, Madeline couldn’t possibly sound like she’s enjoying this any more. She guffaws at me, like an Ugly Sister from Cinderella as I look pleadingly over to Toby for back-up, but no such luck. He’s far more interested in the sports pages now, not to mention the plateful of mince pies he’s devouring.

      Thank Christ, am saved from further torture by Mum briskly swishing in, all swingy scarf, big, bosomy tweed suit and sensible shoes, looking even more like Ann Widdecombe than Ann Widdecombe herself. In she breezes, not a scrap of make-up on her, despite having a houseful of visitors to entertain. But then, Mum’s proudest boast is that she hasn’t put on foundation for minimum of forty years. No time.

      As usual, her eyes are like hawks, taking in everything in one quick up-and-down glance.

      ‘So here you three are!’ she eye-rolls at us. ‘Now come on, girls, stop all your bickering. I need some help. Chief Justice Henderson has just arrived; Toby, would you be a pet and entertain him? And, Madeline, I know Douglas McGettigan has to be the single most boring man in the Northern Hemisphere, but he’s sitting all alone; anyone that’s actually met him before won’t go within six feet of him. Can you look after him for me, please? Chat to him about his golf handicap, he enjoys that.’

      As the other pair scarper, I get thrown a familiar, vaguely exasperated look.

      ‘Angela, you let your sister goad you, and you really shouldn’t, you know. You just got to stop rising to the bait every single time. How often do I have to tell you?’

      I mumble something vague into dishwasher along the lines of Madeline being a back-knifing cow and Toby being worse than useless, but Mum swishes off, too much in distracted hostess mode to pay much attention.

      The minute she’s out door, I pour myself a very large glass of Prosecco and knock it back in a single gulp.

      Then check that there’s plenty more bottles in fridge. If I’m to survive today, I’ll be needing lots, lots more where that came from.

      Dining room chez Blennerhasset, 3.45 p.m.

      Dinner served. Determined somehow to survive and live to tell the tale. Mum and I jointly cooked, but then we’re the only ones round here who eat normally and still gain weight. The other three are like bleeding rakes.

      3.55 p.m.

      Conversation turns to a personal injury case Dad presided over in the District Court few months back, where Toby was a junior counsel for plaintiff. Toby won, record settlement. Got in the papers and everything, one or two scuzzy tabloids even lapping up the whole father/son thing. Dad was utterly mortified by all the fuss, but I’m prepared to bet good money Toby still has all press cuttings framed and mounted in his downstairs loo. Strongly suspect he thinks it’ll boost his chances of landing a quick shag.

      But if you weren’t involved in said case, and if you don’t happen to get the legal terminology,