giving their own physical and mental health high priority in their lives, so that their children see them as robust and reliable and not in need of their support before they are mature enough to give it
2 Sensitivity
having the ability to sense the needs and feelings of others who have not yet developed the capacity to express these adequately themselves
using their intuition to make judgements and decisions to suit each individual child and situation, and not being over-reliant on rules, theories or advice
being highly aware of their own feelings and needs
being able to communicate in an emotionally expressive way
being open to developing genuine, warm, intimate relationships
3 Sociability
having a lively interest in people and enjoying being part of social events (even if they prefer these to be small and informal)
valuing friendships and putting time and energy into maintaining these
being the kind of people whose company is enjoyed by acquaintances, colleagues and neighbours, because they are approachable, pleasant and easy to be with
allowing their homes to become ‘open houses’, which are welcoming to their children’s friends
mixing (and encouraging their children to do so) with people from all walks of life and age groups
having an ability to work easily in a team or partnership, even if they are naturally more inclined to solitary activity
4 Skill
being interested in developing their potential
being thirsty for new knowledge and ideas
taking the time and effort to learn whatever intellectual, practical and social skills they need to make their work, home and relationships run as smoothly as possible
enjoy sharing their skills and wisdom with their children
being keen to learn from their children
5 Stimulation
surrounding themselves and their children with motivating and inspiring resources such as toys, books, music, videos and computer programs
mixing with energizing people who either challenge or inspire them
supporting and stimulating others to undertake interesting and innovative projects and activities
6 Sense
providing enough security and stability so that their children are not constantly ‘infected’ with anxiety and fear that their basic needs may not be met
keeping both feet firmly on the ground even when they are engaged in creative and visionary projects
ensuring that most of their risk-taking has at least a 50 per cent chance of success
making contingency plans whenever they undertake a challenge which has even a small chance of failing
living within their financial means and planning for ‘rainy days’
7 Successfulness
being keen to live their lives to the full and reach old age with few regrets
constantly setting themselves challenging but realistic goals
being ‘winners’ and achievers (at least in their own eyes)
finding work and activities that allow them to thrive and use their full potential
being proud of their success and freely enjoying the rewards that it brings
Now let’s examine the characteristics of the ‘sinners’ of the parenting world. These are the kind of people whom we all want to think are very different from us because, however hard they may sometimes try, they still seem to have a negative effect on their children’s confidence. I doubt very much if you are an extreme version of the sinner (because after all you are reading this book) – but as you read through the following list of characteristics, be honest with yourself and note whether any uncomfortable bells begin to ring.
The 7 ‘sinful’ characteristics of ‘not good-enough’ parents
1 Selfishness
wanting their children first and foremost to satisfy their needs (e.g. for love, fun, companionship or power and control)
directing their children into activities and studies so that they (the parents) can bask in their reflected glory
not being willing sometimes to sacrifice their own comforts, pleasures or ambitions for the good of their children
2 Spitefulness
