Confident Children: Help children feel good about themselves. Gael Lindenfield

do not stare constantly at their own navels, but they do regularly reflect on their feelings, thoughts and behaviour and are always interested to know how they are being perceived by others. If children develop good self-knowledge they will, for example:

      Confident people love themselves

      – be very aware of their strengths and therefore be much more able to meet their full potential

      – know their weaknesses and limitations and therefore be less likely to set themselves up constantly for failure

      – grow up with a firm sense of their own identity and therefore be much more able and content to become an ‘individual’ and not sheepishly follow ‘the crowd’

      – have a sound sense of their own values so they will not be constantly fretting about whether or not the things they or others are doing (or not doing) are morally justified

      – are more likely to have friends who are ‘right’ for them because they know what qualities they need from friendship

      – be open to taking feedback from others and not always leaping on the defensive at the first hint of criticism

      – be willing and eager to take constructive help and tuition because they are not ‘know-alls’

      Clear goals

      There is almost always a sense of purpose surrounding confident people. This is because they have a clear idea of why they are taking a

      Confident people have a

      strong sense of purpose

      particular course of action and of the kind of results they can realistically expect. With this ingredient bolstering up their inner confidence children will, for example:

      

      – get in the habit of setting themselves achievable goals; they will not always need to be dependent on others to ‘make’ them do things

      – have more energy and excitement because they will be motivated

      – have more persistence because they will see even the small and sometimes boring steps forward as having a purpose

       Confident people are very self-aware

      – learn the important art of self-evaluation because they will be able to monitor their progress in the light of the goals they have set themselves

      – find decision-making relatively easy because they have a clear idea of what they want and need from the outcome

      Positive thinking

      Confident people are usually great company; one of the reasons why is that they are in the habit of seeing the brighter side of life and will be expecting and looking for good experiences and outcomes. With this important inner strength children will, for example:

      

      – grow up expecting life to be generally good

      – think the best of people unless there is a particular reason to be wary

      – believe that most problems have a solution

      – not waste energy worrying about possible negative outcomes

      – believe that the future has the potential to be as good (if not better) than the past

      – be willing to work through the uncomfortable frustrations of change because they like the excitement of growth and development

      – be prepared to put time and energy into learning – and doing the necessary ‘ground work’ – because they believe that their goals will eventually be achieved

      What is outer confidence?

      In order to convey a confident impression to the rest of the world, your child will also need to develop skills in the following four areas:

       Confident people see the brighter side of life

       communication

       assertiveness

       self-presentation

       emotional control

      It’s no wonder that the priciest private schools and the very best state schools put so much emphasis on the attainment of these skills as well as academic achievements, because they know that children who have these will not only have a headstart in the adult world of work but will also stand a better chance of having a fulfilling personal and social life.

       Outer confidence helps us appear andbehave in a manner that shows to theoutside world that we are self-assured

      Let’s consider, in turn, how each of these could benefit your children.

      Communication

      With a good grounding in communication skills, children will, for example, be able to:

      

      – listen accurately, calmly and empathically to other people

      – make ‘small talk’ with people of all ages and all kinds of backgrounds

      – know when and how to move conversations on from small talk to a ‘deeper’ level

      – use non-verbal communication effectively so that this matches their verbal language

      – read, and make use of, the body language of others

      – discuss and argue both rationally and articulately

      – speak in public without being paralysed with anxiety

      Assertiveness

      If we teach our children to be assertive, they will rarely have to resort to aggressive and passive tactics in order to get what they want out of life and relationships. Their confidence will be enhanced because they will, for example, be able to:

      

      – express their needs directly and straightforwardly

      – stand up for their rights and those of others

      – know how to negotiate acceptable compromises

      – give and receive compliments freely and sensitively

      – give and receive constructive criticism

      – complain and campaign effectively

      Self-presentation

      This skill will teach children the importance of ‘looking the part’ of a confident person. It will enable them to:

      

      – choose overall dress styles and colours that make the most of their individual personality and physical attributes

      – choose clothes that are appropriate for different roles and occasions while still maintaining their own personal style

      – gain credibility fast by making good ‘first impressions’

      – be aware of the impact of lifestyle symbols (e.g. car, house, etc.) on other people’s perception of them without being restricted by a desire to please others continually