The Office Jungle. Judi James

is solution-oriented. Anything else is just hot air and gas.

       Casting the Blame

      The trouble is, you may enjoy blaming others because doing so robs you of choice. You are bad at maths because you had a lousy teacher. You can’t dance because your mother refused to pay for ballet classes when you were five. You are no good at presentations because the other kids at school sniggered at the stammer you had when you were seven.

      This kind of thinking is lazy. As long as you can find someone else to dump your inadequacies on, why try to improve? By thinking like this you take your own problems and put them out of your hands. What you must do is regain control. Those ratty kids have gone, you can buy your own maths book now – and pay for your own ballet classes, too, if you want.

      You decided to lug all that rubbish around with you for years, so you can also decide to shuck it off. These are the Emotional Carrier Bags you’ve allowed yourself to get burdened with and you go on filling them up with useless junk each and every passing day.

      There’s simply no need to cart them around on your shoulders. Keeping them with you means over-reacting to otherwise manageable situations. Your boss asks to see you in his or her office and you immediately assume it’s something you did wrong. You make someone else do that presentation because you know you’re no good at that sort of thing. When someone criticizes your work you go into a strop because you were always getting picked on as a kid. You failed three chances of promotion so you don’t even bother trying for the fourth. When a client starts shouting you shout right back because nobody speaks to you like that …

      Your emotional carriers are stuffed with all the little prickles, insults, tragedies, let-downs and resentments of your life. We resemble bag ladies, trundling supermarket trolleys laden with barely restrained feelings through our lives. They distort reactions and make you ineffectual when dealing with your colleagues and clients.

      An example of the Carrier Bag syndrome at work could be the following scenario:

      You arrive in the office late after a bad journey. Your emotional carrier bags are overflowing with suppressed, seething anger about something petty a colleague said two days ago, and the way an assistant screwed up a job. The train was late and the car was out of petrol when you reached the station.

      You have an important presentation to make and you required a shared secretary to type up your notes. You: ‘I need these done within the hour, please.’ Sec: ‘Sorry, I’ve got Alan’s reports to work on first.’ You: ‘But this is urgent. Why does Alan’s stuff always have to take priority? How about getting my work done first, just for once? What do I have to do to get things done around here these days?’

      Sec: ‘I can have it done for you by four o’clock.’ You: ‘Well, if that’s the soonest you can fit me in. Just remember it’s important – I don’t want you rushing it and then making mistakes.’

      See what happens if you behave like this? You can create arguments that in turn create dissension. The need to show suppressed resentment and frustration will probably lead to the job being done badly.

      Then there’s the emotional sulk situation: ‘Are you OK?’

      ‘Yes.’ (Massively unconvincing tone.)

      ‘Well you don’t sound it. Is there something wrong?’

      ‘No.’ (A touch of anger in the voice.)

      ‘Are you sure? Was it something I did?’

      ‘Now why should you think that?’ (Laden with sarcasm.)

      All these emotional triggers get used in business – to very little in the way of constructive effect:

      Boss: ‘Would you mind working late tomorrow night – it’s very important.’

      Colleague: ‘Sure.’ (No eye contact. Dull tone.) Boss: ‘Did you have other plans, or something?’ Colleague: ‘Nooo … that’s OK.’ (Unconvincing tone.) Colleague to others once he’s out of earshot: ‘That bastard’s making me work tomorrow night and he must know it’s my birthday!’

       Hoovering Up the Insults

      Remember any good compliments lately? No – because you were probably too busy wittering modest denials to even hear them properly. You will hear insults all right, though. Insults you accept as though they were gift-wrapped, studying them straightaway for instant depression, then stuffing them into your emotional carrier bags to brood over for many years to come.

      Another similar dilemma you may suffer is hoovering up other people’s negative moods and behaviour. If a colleague arrives in a bad mood you wonder if it’s your fault and become broody. If the boss is rude to you, you might take it out on others. Sit you next to a moaner and you’ll start whingeing in harmony.

      Avoiding all this is easy. All you have to learn to do is become a Teflon man or woman. The Teflon man/woman is non-stick. Others throw trashy, unprofessional emotions or insults out – and you just shrug them off. If they want to be rude or badly behaved that’s no one’s concern but their own. It doesn’t have to affect your own emotions, self-esteem or work standards.

      This, of course, is fatally difficult to do, but it’s not impossible once you take the Teflon concept on board.

      No matter how difficult a situation becomes, always tell yourself constantly, over and over again, that you have a choice. Nobody can force you to be angry or upset – or to see yourself in a bad light.

      If this seems difficult to work with, imagine the scenario where the boss has asked to see you in his or her office. You feel worried – it must be something you’ve done wrong. Now, imagine three of you had been summoned in the same way. While you’re busy feeling guilty, take a look at the way the others might perceive the same verbal stimulus.

      Your confident colleague could be thinking this was the promotion or salary increase she’s been expecting for months. The third colleague could have failed his driving test the day before and got home with the bad news to find his wife had run off with the examiner. He’ll be thinking he’s on a downward roll and possibly be expecting the sack.

      You all had different reactions to the one comment, based on pre-determined emotions and expectations.

      Unfortunately any negative expectations and reactions can have an effect on the outcome of a meeting.

       People who expect the worst often discover that’s exactly what they get.

      You have a choice in nearly every situation. Does that still sound hard to believe? What if you have to do your job well because otherwise you’d get the sack? You still have the choice. Just because one of the options sounds duff doesn’t mean to say it’s not an option. You have considered not doing your job, looked at the alternatives, i.e. sack and resulting penury, and decided to do the job well. That was your choice.

      What if I held a gun to your head and told you to give me your wallet? You still have a choice. In a flash you will consider the options:

      • Hand over the wallet = possibly not get shot.

      • Keep the wallet = possibly be killed.

      • Duck or run away = could end up with wallet and life, but could lose both if not quick enough.

      Now, take a good long look at your surmountable barriers. How many are you going to bother taking a pop at? And how much effort are you willing to put in? Be realistic.

      Be positive too, though. Don’t listen to that voice in your head that’s always telling you it’s not worth the hassle. Changes do get made and things do get achieved. ‘Why bother – it’ll never do any good’ is the war-cry of the defeatist. You’re basing this pattern of thinking on unrealistic evaluations. Assess and re-assess situations, but do it logically, not emotionally. Don’t second-guess