What Women Want Men To Know. Barbara Angelis De

I thought you told me to go ahead and look into this,” I reminded him.

      “Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d make it into a full-time job,” he retorted sarcastically. “As usual, you’re taking control and doing things your way.”

      Tears began to fill my eyes, and trickle down my cheeks. “I wasn’t trying to take control,” I insisted, my voice trembling with emotion. “I was just trying to plan a wonderful vacation. And now you’ve ruined it!”

      I forget how the conversation ended, but I remember exactly how I felt: I was shocked, confused, and very hurt. How could he interpret my trying to create the perfect vacation as controlling? My only intention had been to make him happy, and to get information that would help us make the best decisions. What had gone wrong?

      Many years have passed since this incident, but I’ve experienced others like it over and over again, and heard countless stories from women about similar circumstances – she is happily in her creative mode, focused on a plan or project or purpose for herself and her partner, and he reacts with irritation, annoyance, or even anger. She ends up feeling hurt and unappreciated. He ends up feeling controlled and manipulated.

      Why do men interpret a woman’s creative focus as an attempt to control them? The answer is complicated, but in part it has to do with a man’s need to feel autonomous, and his habit of rebelling when he feels he is being told what to do. (See Chapter 8 for more on this.) For instance, in the story about my boyfriend and the Caribbean trip, my thorough and passionate presentation of the travel information unconsciously made him feel as though he had no choice, as if I was announcing, “This is what we are doing.” Of course, that was not my intention at all; my theory is that he interpreted the intensity and detail of my communication almost as a command.

      WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

      When a woman plans or suggests something for your relationship, she is not trying to control you – she is trying to contribute, to create more love and happiness.

       HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:

      Men often mistake a woman’s creative enthusiasm for domination, and the intensity of her passion for a direct order.

      Remember: In most cases, a woman’s true intention really isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to share her input and offer her creative contribution, whether by planning a vacation or finding you a new doctor or suggesting she redecorate the living room, or asking that you spend some time together to talk about issues in your relationship.

       Don’t mistake the intensity of her creative energy for a dominant attitude. Usually she’s not being aggressive – she’s just being enthusiastic. She’s not being controlling – she’s being caring.

       WHAT MEN CAN DO:

      1. When you find yourself feeling controlled by the woman in your life, ask yourself:

       “What is her true intention in doing this?”

      This is a powerful question that can snap you out of the unconscious reflex of concluding that she is controlling you. If you take the time to ask this question, you’ll probably discover the true answer within your own heart:

       “She is doing this because she loves me.”

      “She wants to manifest something wonderful or make something better, or plan something delightful, but her intention is not to control me.”

      Note: I’m not saying there aren’t angry, controlling women out there. But I’ve found that much of the time when a man who’s in a pretty good relationship feels controlled, he’s misinterpreting his woman’s behavior in the ways you’ve been reading about.

      2. Practice recognizing the things she does as expressions of her creative nature, rather than reacting to them in the old critical way.

Instead of seeing her as:	See her as:
Controlling	Caring
Aggressive	Passionate
Commanding	Enthusiastic
Relentless	Dedicated
Intrusive	Loyal
Interfering	Helpful
Pushy	Proactive

      HOW A WOMAN’S CREATIVE NATURE CAN BACKFIRE

      The propensity to create something out of nothing is a woman’s blessing, but it can also be our curse. It is a blessing when we are inspired to decorate an empty house and turn it into a home, or create a costume for our child from scratch, or manifest a romantic evening for our mate. But it is a problem when we create an emotional problem where there really wasn’t any. Here are some examples I know every woman will relate to:

      

Your husband has a funny look on his face when he leaves the house, and you can’t get it out of your mind. All day long, you create scenario after scenario about what might be wrong, and by the time he comes home you are sure he wants a divorce and just hasn’t told you yet. Later, he tells you that he had a terrible case of indigestion.

      

You call your boyfriend at work to check on your plans together for the evening. He sounds distant, and not very excited about seeing you. When you get off the phone, you begin to worry. Maybe he’s feeling too cramped in the relationship, stifled because you’re spending so much time together. Maybe he’s trying to tell you that he wants to slow things down. When he comes over to pick you up for dinner, you are a nervous wreck. However, he is sweet and loving, as if everything is fine. Over your meal he tells you that he’d just come out of a very tense staff meeting when you called and had someone waiting in his office to speak with him about it.

      WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

      A woman’s habit of creating can sometimes work against us as we create unnecessary worry, insecurity, or fear about our relationship.

      We admit it, guys: Women know we do this, and believe me, we don’t like this part of ourselves. So while we try to work on it (and that’s in another book!), we’d appreciate it if you can remember that when we get too creative and imagine things that aren’t there, you can help prevent a negative emotional spiral by telling us what’s going on with you.

       WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:

      

When you realize we look or sound upset and you have no idea why, ASK US WHAT’S WRONG. This gives us an opportunity to tell you what we think is happening, so if we are mistaken, you can correct it, and we can avoid being upset over nothing.