Last Night at Chateau Marmont. Lauren Weisberger

to talk about is how the Eagles will do next season. Cynthia is excited to be seeing The Lion King for chrissake and thinks no trip to the city is complete without lunch at the Russian Tea Room. Then we have your parents: the most intense, intimidating lifelong New Yorkers I’ve ever met, who probably think the NFL is a French nonprofit group, who haven’t seen a musical since the sixties, and who won’t eat anything unless it’s prepared by a celebrity chef. You tell me: what are they all going to say to each other?’

      Julian squeezed the back of her neck. ‘It’s brunch, baby. Some coffee, a few bagels, and we’re out. I really think it’s going to be fine.’

      ‘Yeah, sure, as my dad and Cynthia blather on nonstop in their manically happy way and your parents sit in stony, silent judgment of them. Sounds like a delightful Sunday morning.’

      ‘Cynthia can talk shop with my parents,’ Julian offered meekly. He made that face that said, I don’t even believe this myself, and Brooke started to laugh.

      ‘Tell me you didn’t say that,’ she said, her eyes starting to tear up as she laughed harder. They emerged at Seventy-seventy and Lex and began walking toward Park Avenue.

      ‘Well, it’s true!’

      ‘You’re so sweet, do you know that?’ Brooke asked, leaning over to kiss his cheek. ‘Cynthia is a high school nurse. She watches out for strep throats and gives out Motrin for cramps. She knows nothing about whether Botox or Restylane is recommended for a particularly deep smile line. I’m not sure where their professional experiences overlap.’

      Julian feigned offense. ‘I think you’re forgetting that Mom was also named one of the best in the country at varicose vein removal,’ he said with a grin. ‘You know how big that was.’

      ‘Yes, of course. Big.’

      ‘All right, I hear what you’re saying. But my dad can talk to anyone. You know how easygoing he is. He’ll make Cynthia love him.’

      ‘He’s a great guy,’ Brooke agreed. She grabbed his hand as they approached the Alters’ building. ‘But the man is a world-renowned breast augmentation specialist. It’s only natural that a woman would assume he’s sizing up her breasts and finding them inadequate.’

      ‘Brooke, that’s idiotic. Do you assume that all dentists you encounter in social situations are staring at your teeth?’

      ‘Yes.’

      ‘Or any psychologist you meet at a party is analyzing you?’

      ‘Absolutely, one hundred percent, beyond a doubt.’

      ‘Well that’s just ridiculous.’

      ‘Your father examines, handles, and evaluates breasts eight hours a day. I’m not suggesting he’s some pervert, but it’s his instinct to check them out. Women can feel it, that’s all I’m saying.’

      ‘Well, that begs the obvious question now.’

      ‘Yeah?’ she asked, glancing at her watch as their awning came into view.

      ‘Do you feel like he’s checking out your breasts when he sees you?’ Poor Julian looked so crushed at the mere mention of it that Brooke wanted to hug him.

      ‘No, baby, of course not,’ she whispered as she leaned in and hugged his arm. ‘At least, not after all these years. He knows the situation, and he knows he’s never getting his hands on them, and I think he’s finally over it.’

      ‘They’re perfect, Brooke. Just perfect,’ Julian said automatically.

      ‘I know. That’s why your dad offered to do them at cost when we got engaged.’

      ‘He offered his partner, and not because he thought you needed it––’

      ‘Why, because you thought I needed it?’ Brooke knew that wasn’t it at all – they’d talked about it a hundred times and she knew that Dr Alter had only offered his services the way a tailor would have offered a discounted custom suit – but the whole thing still irked her.

      ‘Brooke …’

      ‘Sorry. I’m just hungry. Hungry and nervous.’

      ‘It’s not going to be nearly as bad as you’re anticipating.’

      The doorman greeted Julian with a high five and a backslap. It wasn’t until he ushered them into the elevator and they were whisking up toward the eighteenth floor that Brooke realized she hadn’t brought anything.

      ‘I think we should run back out and pick up some cookies or flowers or something,’ Brooke said, tugging Julian’s arm urgently.

      ‘Come on, Rook, it doesn’t matter. They’re my parents. They really don’t care.’

      ‘Uh-huh. If you believe your mother isn’t going to notice when we show up empty-handed, you’re delusional.’

      ‘We’re bringing ourselves. That’s all that matters.’

      ‘Okay. You just keep telling yourself that.’

      Julian knocked and the door swung open. Smiling at them from the doorway was Carmen, the Alters’ nanny and housekeeper of thirty years now. In a particularly intimate moment early in their relationship, Julian had confided to Brooke that he called Carmen ‘Mommy’ until his fifth birthday because he just hadn’t known any better. She immediately flung her arms around Julian.

      ‘How’s my baby?’ Carmen asked him after smiling at Brooke and pecking her on the cheek. ‘Your wife here feeding you enough?’

      Brooke squeezed Carmen’s arm, wondering for the thousandth time why Carmen couldn’t be Julian’s mother, and said, ‘Does he look like he’s starving, Carmen? I have to pry the fork from his hands some nights.’

      ‘That’s my boy,’ she said, gazing at him with pride.

      A shrill voice came from the formal living room down the hallway. ‘Carmen, darling, send the children in here, please. And don’t forget to snip the stems before you put the flowers in a vase. The new Michael Aram one, please.’

      Carmen glanced around for the flowers but Brooke merely held out her empty hands. She turned to Julian and gave him a knowing look.

      ‘Don’t say it,’ Julian muttered.

      ‘Fine. I won’t say I told you so because I love you.’

      Julian led her into the formal living room – Brooke had been hoping they would skip the living room altogether and move straight to the eating part – and found both sets of parents sitting opposite each other on identical, low-profile, ultra-modern couches.

      ‘Brooke, Julian.’ His mother smiled but didn’t stand. ‘So glad you could join us.’

      Brooke immediately interpreted this as an attack on their tardiness. ‘So sorry we’re late, Elizabeth. The subways were just so—’

      ‘Well at least you’re here now,’ Dr Alter said, both hands cupped rather effeminately around a fat orange juice glass, exactly the way she imagined he cradled all his breasts.

      ‘Brookie! Julian! What’s up, guys?’ Brooke’s dad jumped up and embraced them both in one bear hug. He was clearly turning up the camp factor for the Alters’ benefit, but Brooke couldn’t really blame him.

      ‘Hi, Dad,’ she said, hugging him back. She also walked over to Cynthia, who remained trapped by all of their bodies on the couch and gave her an awkward standing-sitting hug. ‘Hey, Cynthia. Good to see you.’

      ‘Oh, you too, Brooke. We’re so excited to be here! Your father and I were just saying that we can barely remember the last time we were in New York.’

      It was only then that Brooke was able to really absorb Cynthia’s appearance. She wore a fire-engine-red pantsuit, probably polyester, with a white blouse, black patent