He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Greg Behrendt

he is in the process of going through a very traumatic breakup, he’s really clear that he can’t have any kind of expectations or demands put on him in any way. Basically, he wants to come and go as he pleases. We’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together for six months now. It’s very painful not to be able to have any say about when or how often I get to see him. Yet it’s also very painful to think about not being with him. I don’t like being in this powerless position, but I feel like if I hold out, eventually he’ll be mine. But it’s very difficult for me in the meantime. What should I do?

       Lisa

       Dear Really Really,

       Let’s talk about Johnny Really Good Friend and your Johnny Really Great Friendship. It sure works out well for him. Because you were a pal during his disaster of a marriage, he will always be able to play the “friend” card with you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. After all, being a “pal,” you wouldn’t want to put him through any more emotional turmoil while he’s going through his “very traumatic breakup.” He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I’m sorry to say, as a boyfriend, He’s Just Not That Into You.

      Beware of the word “friend.” It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

      The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse

       Dear Greg,

       I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me—that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me?

       Keisha

       Dear Not Listening,

       I looked up “I don’t want to be your boyfriend” in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I was right. It still means “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” Wow. And this is coming from a guy who’s spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free. Not quite sure what you’re getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who’s proclaiming he’s not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I’d hope you’d at least go find someone who wasn’t saying to your face, “I’m just not that into you.”