He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Greg Behrendt

hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can’t I ask him out?

       Cherie

       Dear My Secret Garden,

       He’s capable of asking you out. Haven’t you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn’t pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He’s Just Not That Into You.

      Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he’s into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I’ll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Philippe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.

      By the way, why are you dating the exterminator? Just kidding, he’s a good guy.

      The “Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow” Excuse

       Dear Greg,

       There’s this guy who calls me all the time. He’s recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn’t ever suggest we see each other in person again. It’s like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?

       Jen

       Dear Pillow Talk,

       Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I’m getting sleepy, it’s hot, I’m going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I’ll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he’s still not asking you out. Now, if you’re a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like He’s Just Not That Into You. Be his friend if you’re at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.

      If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.

      The “But He Gave Me His Number” Excuse

       Dear Greg,

       I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?

       Lauren

       Dear Control Freak,

       Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you—or even return your call. Why don’t you take Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.

      “Give me a call.” “E-mail me.” “Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime.” Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.

      The “Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me” Excuse

       Dear Greg,

      Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn’t get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don’t you think? It’s only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don’t call, he’s probably going to be all sad thinking that I’m just not that into him.

       Judy

       Dear Judy Blackout,

       The city blacked out. He didn’t. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn’t have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are…I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.

       P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.

      Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don’t get cocky.)

      The “Maybe I Don’t Want to Play Games” Excuse

       Dear Greg,

       This is dumb. I know you’re not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don’t care! I don’t want to play games. I do whatever I want! I’ve called guys tons of times. You’re such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can’t call guys and ask them out?

       Nikki

       Dear Nikki,

       Because we don’t like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they’re just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It’s that simple. I didn’t make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don’t be mad at me, Nikki. I’m not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.

       Or maybe you’re the chosen one.

      Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children—sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn’t make men different.

      IT’S SO SIMPLE

      Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, He’s Just Not That Into You. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.