The Complete Cynic. Herford Oliver

Ethel Watts Mumford, Addison Mizner

      The Complete Cynic / Being Bunches of Wisdom Culled from the Calendars of…

      DEDICATION, 1911 TO THE MERRY

      "Wisdom may not be confined

      'Twixt covers of the dictionary,

      Neither will it be defined;

      Learning, you may quickly bury;

      Wisdom – Soul and Life combined combined —

      Lingers ever with the merry."

      DEDICATION, 1905 TO THE WORLD AT LARGE

      This Little Book of Wisdom Great

      It pleases us to dedicate

      To that Rampageous Reprobate —

      The World at Large.

      Yet as we mark his Stony Phiz

      And see him whoop and whirl and whiz,

      We can but cry – O Lord, why is

      The World at Large!

OLIVER HERFORD.

      DEDICATION, 1907

      To Foolish-wise and Wisely-gay

      Of whate'er country they may be,

      We dedicate this little gem

      By Ollie, Addison and Me,

      In hopes they'll buy in massive lots

      And help us boil our little pots.

(T)

      DEDICATION, 1908

      Reader – would you a Cynic be?

      Vindictive – Vitriolic?

      Then be one in your Infancy —

      Your Nurse will think it's Colic.

      Like Measles take it while you're young,

      'Twill drive your parents frantic,

      But you'll grow up, (if still unhung)

      An Optimist Romantic.

(H)

      DEDICATION, 1909

      Then here's to those who love the Stars

      And diligently tea them,

      And here's to all Ambitious Souls

      Who strongly strive to be them;

      But most to those Discerning Ones

      Who know Stars when they see them.

      "Now the well of truth

      'Tis an ink well."

Sayings of Towanda.

      BOOK ONE

      God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends. (M)

      When Papa comes in at the door the Lover flies out at the window. (T)

      Look before you sleep. (M)

      It's a strong stomach that has no turning. (T)

      Those that came to cough remain to spray. (H)

      Naught is lost save honor. (H)

      God sends the tempest to the shorn lambs. (T)

      Silence gives contempt. (M)

      People who love in glass houses should pull down the blinds. (T & M))

      God help those who do not help themselves. (T & M))

      A church fair exchange is robbery. (T)

      Fools rush in and win, where angels fear to tread. (M)

      A rich man can get the eye of the beadle. (M)

      The boulevards are the roads to destruction. (M)

      Economy is the thief of time. (T)

      A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate. (T)

      As you sew so must you rip. (T)

      Let him now speak or hereafter hold his piece of information for a good price. (M)

      A lie in time saves nine. (T)

      A thing of duty is an-noy forever. (H)

      Better all a loafer than a half-bred. (T & M))

      Matri-mony is the root of all evil. (T)

      Necessity is the mother of contention. (T)

      A word to the wise is resented. (M)

      Where there is a will there's a lawsuit. (T)

      Hell is paved with big pretensions. (T)

      "Mercy and truth are met together, righteousness and peace have kissed each other." Look out!!!! (M)

      Pride will have a Fall bonnet. (M)

      He laughs best, who's laugh lasts. (T)

      He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser the next time. (M)

      Pride goeth before and the bill cometh after. (M)

      Single blessedness and married cussedness. (T)

      Young widows in ash cloth and sashes. (M)

      Blood is bluer than water. (T)

      None but the brave desert the fair. (T)

      A little widow is a dangerous thing. (M)

      Money shall cover a multitude of sins. (T)

      "Who so findeth a (rich) wife findeth a good thing." (M) Prov. xviii, 22.

      Whose service is perfect freedom??? (M)

      As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? (M)

      Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (T)

      Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. (T)

      If the wolf be at the door, open it and eat him. (M)

      Many are called but few get up. (H)

      Saint heart ne'er won fair lady. (M)

      Honor is without profit – in most countries. (T & M))

      Consistency, thou art a mule! (M)

      The poor ye have with ye always – but they are not invited. (T)

      Eat your steak or you'll have stew. (M)

      Stays make waist. (M)

      One touch of nature makes the whole world blush. (T & M))

      Think of your ancestors and your posterity and you will never marry. (M)

      Sweet are the uses of diversity. (M)

      Tamper not with fledged fools. (T)

      Tomorrow would be sweet if we could kill yesterday. (M)

      A lie for a lie and a truth for a truth. (M)

      Fain would I write yet fear to pall. (T)

      In one's old coterie may one sport the old pantry and vestry? (H)

      It is better to make friends fast than to make fast friends. (M)

      There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip. (M)

      A friend in deeds is a friend indeed. (M)

      All that a man knoweth will he tell to his wife. (M & T))

      One husband does not make a home. (T)

      What is home without another? (H)

      A fool and his honey are soon mated. (T & M))

      There is no soak without some fire water. (M)

      Tell the truth and shame the – family. (T)

      There's none so blind as those who won't fee. (H)

      Knowledge is power – if you know it about the right person. (M)

      BOOK