The Pickwick Papers. Чарльз Диккенс

throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt, imprinted upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a due show of struggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is no telling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady had not given a very unaffected start, and exclaimed in an affrighted tone —

      ‘Mr. Tupman, we are observed! – we are discovered!’

      Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly motionless, with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour, but without the slightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist could have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any other known passion that agitates the human breast. Mr. Tupman gazed on the fat boy, and the fat boy stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed the utter vacancy of the fat boy’s countenance, the more convinced he became that he either did not know, or did not understand, anything that had been going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness —

      ‘What do you want here, Sir?’

      ‘Supper’s ready, sir,’ was the prompt reply.

      ‘Have you just come here, sir?’ inquired Mr. Tupman, with a piercing look.

      ‘Just,’ replied the fat boy.

      Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not a wink in his eye, or a curve in his face.

      Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked towards the house; the fat boy followed behind.

      ‘He knows nothing of what has happened,’ he whispered.

      ‘Nothing,’ said the spinster aunt.

      There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle. Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. No; it could not have been the fat boy; there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything but feeding in his whole visage.

      ‘He must have been fast asleep,’ whispered Mr. Tupman.

      ‘I have not the least doubt of it,’ replied the spinster aunt.

      They both laughed heartily.

      Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been fast asleep. He was awake – wide awake – to what had been going forward.

      The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation. The old lady had gone to bed; Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to Mr. Trundle; the spinster’s attentions were reserved for Mr. Tupman; and Emily’s thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object – possibly they were with the absent Snodgrass.

      Eleven – twelve – one o’clock had struck, and the gentlemen had not arrived. Consternation sat on every face. Could they have been waylaid and robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in every direction by which they could be supposed likely to have travelled home? or should they – Hark! there they were. What could have made them so late? A strange voice, too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into the kitchen, whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather more than a glimmering of the real state of the case.

      Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked completely over his left eye, was leaning against the dresser, shaking his head from side to side, and producing a constant succession of the blandest and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by any discernible cause or pretence whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly-inflamed countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman muttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, supporting himself by the eight-day clock, was feebly invoking destruction upon the head of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of his retiring for the night; and Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with an expression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human mind can imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face.

      ‘Is anything the matter?’ inquired the three ladies.

      ‘Nothing the matter,’ replied Mr. Pickwick. ‘We – we’re – all right. – I say, Wardle, we’re all right, ain’t we?’

      ‘I should think so,’ replied the jolly host. – ‘My dears, here’s my friend Mr. Jingle – Mr. Pickwick’s friend, Mr. Jingle, come ‘pon – little visit.’

      ‘Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?’ inquired Emily, with great anxiety.

      ‘Nothing the matter, ma’am,’ replied the stranger. ‘Cricket dinner – glorious party – capital songs – old port – claret – good – very good – wine, ma’am – wine.’

      ‘It wasn’t the wine,’ murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. ‘It was the salmon.’ (Somehow or other, it never is the wine, in these cases.)

      ‘Hadn’t they better go to bed, ma’am?’ inquired Emma. ‘Two of the boys will carry the gentlemen upstairs.’

      ‘I won’t go to bed,’ said Mr. Winkle firmly.

      ‘No living boy shall carry me,’ said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and he went on smiling as before.

      ‘Hurrah!’ gasped Mr. Winkle faintly.

      ‘Hurrah!’ echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing it on the floor, and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of the kitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright.

      ‘Let’s – have – ‘nother – bottle,’ cried Mr. Winkle, commencing in a very loud key, and ending in a very faint one. His head dropped upon his breast; and, muttering his invincible determination not to go to his bed, and a sanguinary regret that he had not ‘done for old Tupman’ in the morning, he fell fast asleep; in which condition he was borne to his apartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of the fat boy, to whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwards confided his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of Mr. Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; and Mr. Wardle, after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were ordered for immediate execution, consigned to Mr. Trundle the honour of conveying him upstairs, and retired, with a very futile attempt to look impressively solemn and dignified.

      ‘What a shocking scene!’ said the spinster aunt.

      ‘Dis-gusting!’ ejaculated both the young ladies.

      ‘Dreadful – dreadful!’ said Jingle, looking very grave: he was about a bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions. ‘Horrid spectacle – very!’

      ‘What a nice man!’ whispered the spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman.

      ‘Good-looking, too!’ whispered Emily Wardle.

      ‘Oh, decidedly,’ observed the spinster aunt.

      Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind was troubled. The succeeding half-hour’s conversation was not of a nature to calm his perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talkative, and the number of his anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness. Mr. Tupman felt that as Jingle’s popularity increased, he (Tupman) retired further into the shade. His laughter was forced – his merriment feigned; and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets, he thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction it would afford him to have Jingle’s head at that moment between the feather bed and the mattress.

      The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, although his companions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of the previous night, exerted himself most successfully to promote the hilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful were his efforts, that even the deaf old lady insisted on having one or two of his best jokes retailed through the trumpet; and even she condescended to observe to the spinster aunt, that ‘He’ (meaning Jingle) ‘was an impudent young fellow:’ a sentiment in which all her relations then and there present thoroughly coincided.

      It was the old lady’s habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the arbour in which Mr. Tupman had already signalised himself, in form and manner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old lady’s bedroom door, a close black satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, and a thick stick with a capacious handle; and the old lady, having put on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand