The Cynic's Word Book. Bierce Ambrose

n. See HUSBAND.

      C

      CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

      CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

      The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire, consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of His Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

      CACKLE, v. i. To celebrate the birth of an egg.

           They say that hens do cackle loudest when

           There's nothing vital in the egg they 've laid;

           And there are hens, professing to have made

           A study of mankind, who say that men

           Whose business is to drive the tongue or pen

           Make the most clamorous fanfaronade

           O'er their most worthless work, and I 'm afraid

           In this respect they 're really like the hen.

           Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,

           His blazing breeches and high-towering cap,

           Imperiously pompous, "bloody, bold

           And resolute" – an awe-inspiring chap!

           Who'd think this gorgeous hero's only virtue

           Is that in battle he will never hurt you?

           G.J.

      CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

      CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

      When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 't is true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."

      CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

      CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels – the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

      CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

      The practice of cannibalism was once universal, as the smallest knowledge of philology will serve to show. "Oblige us," says the erudite author of the Delectatio Demonorum, "by considering the derivation of the word 'sarcophagus,' and see if it be not suggestive of potted meats. Observe the significance of the phrase 'sweet sixteen.' What a world of meaning lurks in the expression 'she's as sweet as a peach,' and how suggestive of luncheon are the words 'tender youth!' A kiss is but a modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her babe is 'almost good enough to eat,' merely shows that she is herself only a trifle too good to eat it."

      CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

      CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters at the Court of Heaven.

      CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist. The part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons – including all the assassins – entertain grave misgivings.

      CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mt. Carmel.

           As Death was a-riding out one day,

           Across Mount Carmel he took his way,

           Where he met a mendicant monk,

           Some three or four quarters drunk,

           With a holy leer and a pious grin,

           Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

           Who held out his hands and cried:

           "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.

           Give in the name of the Church. O give,

           Give that her holy sons may live!"

           And Death replied,

           Smiling long and wide:

           "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee —

           a ride."

           With a rattle and bang

           Of his bones, he sprang

           From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

           By the neck and the foot

           Seized the fellow, and put

           Him astride with his face to the rear.

           The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

           Like clods on the coffin's empty shell:

           "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

           Will ride to the devil!" – and thump

           Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

           Of the charger, which galloped away.

           Faster and faster and faster it flew,

           Till the rocks, and the flocks, and the trees that

           grew

           By the road, were dim, and blended, and blue

           To the wild, wide eyes

           Of the rider – in size

           Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.

           Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh

           At a burial service spoiled,

           And the mourners' intentions foiled

           By the body erecting

           Its head and objecting

           To further proceedings in its behalf.

           Many a year and many a day

           Have passed since these events away.

           The monk has long been a dusty corse,

           And Death has never recovered his horse.

           For the friar got hold of its tail,

           And steered it within the pale

           Of the monastery gray,

           Where the beast was stabled and fed,

           With barley, and oil, and bread,

           Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,

           And so in due course was appointed Prior.

           G.J.

      CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

      CARTESIAN,