The Cynic's Word Book. Bierce Ambrose

There is little to tell:

           They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to —

           well,

           The company's better than here we can boast,

           And there's —

           Bread for the needy, dear father?

           Um – toast.

           Atka Mip

      BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

      BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines in the Dies Iræ:

           Recordare, Jesu pie,

           Quod sum causa tuæ viæ

           Ne me perdas illa die.

           Pray remember, sacred Savior,

           Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your

           Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.

      BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

      BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks, otherwise known as black friars.

           He thought it a crow, but it turned out to be

           A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.

           "Here 's one of an order of cooks," said he —

           "Black friars in this world, fried black in the

           next."

           "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712).

      BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.

      BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

           Her locks an ancient lady gave

           Her loving husband's life to save;

           And men – they honored so the dame —

           Upon some stars bestowed her name.

           But to our modern married fair,

           Who 'd give their lords to save their hair,

           No stellar recognition 's given.

           There are not stars enough in heaven.

           G. F.

      BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

      BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

      BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

      BIRTH, n. The first and direst of disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Ætna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

      BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for the display like a box of berries in a market – the fine ones on top – have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

      BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters – the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

      BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena.

           "One night," a doctor said, "last fall,

           I and my comrades, four in all,

           When visiting a grave-yard stood

           Within the shadow of a wall.

           While waiting for the moon to sink

           We saw a wild hyena slink

           About a new-made grave, and then

           Begin to excavate its brink!

           Shocked by the horrid act, we made

           A sally from our ambuscade,

           And, falling on the unholy beast,

           Dispatched him with a pick and spade."

           Bettel K. Jhones.

      BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another.

      Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent.

      "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."

      BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

      BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables – those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

      BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

      BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

      BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has all things, in permitting one who has nothing to get all he can.

      "A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creature."

      Henry Ward Beecher.

      BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva – a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty.

           O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,

           First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

           You sit there so calm and securely,

           With feet folded up so demurely —

           You're the First Person Singular, surely.

           Polydore Smith.

      BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

      BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-thegrave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose,