Purity. Джонатан Франзен

your age. It’s healthy to have urges at your age. I’m just interested in knowing whose face that is.”

      “Mother, it’s an invented face.”

      “Your drawing looks so personal, though. Like you know very well who that’s supposed to be.”

      Without another word, he put the drawing in a binder and went and shut himself in his bedroom. When he opened the binder again, the penciled face looked loathsome to him. Hideous, hideous. He tore up the paper. His mother knocked on the door and opened it.

      “Why did you jump off the bridge?” she said.

      “I told you. It was a dare.”

      “Were you trying to harm yourself? It’s important that you tell me the truth. It would be the end of the world for me if you did what my father did to me.”

      “Joachim dared me, just like I said.”

      “You’re too intelligent to do something so stupid on a dare.”

      “All right. I wanted to break my leg so I could spend more time masturbating.”

      “That’s not funny.”

      “Please go away so I can masturbate.” The words just popped out of his mouth, but the shock of hearing them jolted something loose in him. He jumped to his feet and came at his mother, trembling, grinning, and said, “Please go away so I can masturbate. Please go away so I can—”

      “Stop!”

      “I’m not like your father. I’m like you. But at least I keep to myself. I don’t harm anyone but myself.”

      She blanched at the goal he’d scored. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

      “No, of course not. I’m the crazy one. I can’t even tell a hawk from a handsaw.” He knew the line in English.

      “Enough with the Hamletizing.”

      “A little more than kin, a little less than kind.”

      “You have some thoroughly wrong idea,” she said. “You got it from a book and it annoys me, all this hinting. I’m starting to think your father’s right—I let you read things when you were too young for them. I can still protect you, but you have to confide in me. You have to tell me what you’re really thinking.”

      “I’m thinking—nothing.”

      “Andreas.”

      “Please go away so I can masturbate!”

      He was protecting her, not the other way around, and when his father came home from yet another round of factory tours and informed him that he had a date with a psychologist, he assumed that his mission in the counseling sessions would be to continue protecting her. His father wouldn’t have entrusted him to anyone but the most politically rocksolid, Stasi-certified psychologist. However much Andreas was coming to hate his mother, there was no way that he was telling the psychologist about the ghost.

      The Republic’s capital wasn’t just spiritually flat but literally flat. Such few hills as it had were composed of rubble from the war, and it was on a minor one of these, a grassy berm behind the back fence of the football pitch, that Andreas had first seen the ghost. Beyond the berm were disused rail tracks and a narrow stretch of wasteland too irrationally shaped to have fit into any five-year development plan to date. The ghost must have come up from the tracks on the late afternoon when Andreas, winded from sprints, hung his hands on the fence and pressed his face into its links to catch his breath. At the top of the rise, maybe twenty meters away, a gaunt and bearded figure in a ratty sheepskin jacket was looking at him. Feeling his privacy and privilege invaded, Andreas turned around and put his back to the fence. When he returned to running sprints and glanced up at the hill, the ghost was gone.

      But he appeared again at dusk the following day, again looking directly at Andreas, singling him out. This time some of the other players saw the ghost and shouted at him—“Stinking deviant!” “Go wipe yourself!” etc.—with the morally untroubled contempt that club members had for anyone not playing by society’s rules. You couldn’t get in trouble for reviling a bum; quite the opposite. One of the boys peeled off and went to the fence to shout abuse from a closer range. Seeing him approach, the ghost ducked behind the hill and out of sight.

      After that, he appeared after dark, loitering at the point on the hill where the light from the pitch ended, his head and shoulders dimly visible. Running up and down the pitch, Andreas kept looking to see if the ghost was still there. Sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn’t; twice he seemed to beckon to Andreas with a motion of his head. But he was always gone by the time the final whistle blew.

      After a week of this peek-a-boo, Andreas took Joachim aside when practice ended and everyone else was leaving the pitch. “That guy on the hill,” he said. “He keeps looking at me.”

      “Oh, so it’s you he’s after.”

      “Like he has something to say to me.”

      “Gentlemen prefer blonds, man. Somebody should report him.”

      “I’m going to jump the fence. Find out what his story is.”

      “Don’t be stupid.”

      “There’s something weird about the way he looks at me. It’s like he knows me.”

      “Wants to get to know you. It’s your curly golden locks, I’m telling you.”

      Joachim was probably right, but Andreas had a mother in whose eyes he could do no wrong, and by now, at the age of fourteen, he was accustomed to following his impulses and taking what he wanted, so long as he didn’t directly disrespect authority. Things always turned out well for him: instead of falling on his face, he was praised for his initiative and creativity. He felt like talking to the ghost in the sheepskin jacket and getting his story, which was bound to be less boring than anything else he’d heard in the past week, and so, with a shrug, he went over to the fence and wedged a toe in its links.

      “Hey, come on,” Joachim said.

      “Call the police if I’m not back in twenty minutes.”

      “You’re unbelievable. I’m coming with you.”

      This was what Andreas had wanted, and, as usual, he was getting it.

      From the top of the rise, they couldn’t see much in the shadows along the rail tracks. A truck skeleton, urban weeds, small prospectless trees, some pale lines that might have been the remains of walls, and their own attenuated shadows from the pitch lights. Banks of mediumrise socialist housing were massed in the far distance.

      “Hey!” Joachim shouted at the darkness. “Antisocial Element! You here?”

      “Shut up.”

      Down by the tracks they saw a movement. They took the straightest line they could to it, picking their way slowly in the poor light, weeds grabbing at their bare legs. By the time they reached the tracks, the ghost was all the way down near the Rhinstraße bridge. It was hard to tell, but he seemed to be looking at them.

      “Hey!” Joachim bellowed. “We want to talk to you!”

      The ghost started moving again.

      “Go back and shower,” Andreas said. “You’re scaring him.”

      “This is stupid.”

      “I’ll only go as far as the bridge. You can meet me there.”

      Joachim hesitated, but in the end he almost always did what Andreas wanted. When he was gone, Andreas trotted down the tracks, enjoying his little adventure. He could no longer see the ghost, but it was interesting just to be in an unregulated space, in the dark. He was smart and knew the rules, and he wasn’t breaking any by being here. He felt entitled to it, just as he felt entitled to be the player on the football pitch whom the figure stared at. He wasn’t afraid; he felt unharmable.