Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

© Cover, illustrations, notes – P. Tyurin, 2014.

      Legend of Blockhead and His Nessie

      Riga 2015

      November 11 2006

      As they struck midnight, the clocks of Riga, Latvia, started the Lāčplēsis Day[1], the day when a British citizen urinated on the Latvian ‘Fatherland and Freedom Monument’ for the first time in history. His name, of course, was Blockhead – Richard P. Blockhead[2]

      Foreword

      This past event would be remembered as rather commonplace, since many tourists urinate anywhere they please on the streets of Riga. But it wasn’t due to the singularity of the place where the incident occurred. It happened at the foot of the ‘Fatherland and Freedom Monument’ considered by the locals as an altar of freedom and a visible symbol of Latvia’s independence.

      Many expected that this daring act would be followed by the demonstrations of protest near the British Embassy. But instead, after a short vacillation, this Blockhead’s behaviour did not cause protests, but shock and confusion, and even real admiration.[3] A similar event of the 17th century was often recalled, at that time, in connection with Little Julien. He peed on the front porch of the local fairy, angered her and she turned him into rock.[4] Despite such cruel punishment for a child, good people of Brussels never doubted that such an act was the boy’s way to proclaim the strength of the human spirit. He contested the witchcraft and sorcery that engulfed Europe at the time. And then a talented sculptor made a wonderful statue of the petrified Julien that has been set in the centre of the city. Now the historians write that ‘Petit Julien’ symbolises freedom of self and the maverick spirit of the Brussels people. So the contemporary defenders of the human rights demand to erect a statue of not a boy, but a man, a ‘Peeing Briton’, paying a timeless tribute to the ‘Little Julien’.

      This monument to the ‘Briton of Riga’ could be erected near the English Club in the historical centre, for instance. Doubtlessly, Anglophiles as well as Anglophobic philanthropists (or the Eurosceptics) would be happy to provide the means for such a monument. Such an undertaking could be at least partially funded by the fines collected from the immodest tourists independent of their age, nationality, gender, religious affiliation, or country of residence.

      It is possible that once the ‘Monument to the First Briton Peeing’ is erected in the old part of Riga it will be as popular as the famous ‘Manneken Pis’ in Brussels.

      Part 1

      The Monument

      A prospective model of the monument to Blockhead.

      It will win the contest in the future.

      But for now it is still in the sculptor’s workshop

      There are so many reasons to wish humanity evil

      that laughing at them is showing kindness

      Henry de Montherland

      Even though the plans to build ‘The Monument to the First Briton Peeing’ have just been released the author has already received an overpowering flood of jubilant comments. This new hero is becoming a serious competitor to our countryman, the legendary Baron Munchhausen, as Blockhead epitomises the glory of the ‘British genius’ that has manifested its special talent on the Latvian soil. The events that followed were even more impressive than the Baron’s hunt for deer, duck, etc. This new contemporary epic is about a fascinating life of a monument, and a man who dared to cross paths with customary respect for traditions. His story is supported by evidence of unusual, sometimes fantastical events that occurred after November 11 2006 in Riga,[5] even though their accuracy is hard to prove now.

      Below is but one example of the apocryphe written on the pedestal of the monument and its accuracy is questionable.

      They say that on that night, one tipsy tourist from England stumbled upon the monument of Freedom. He saw the inscription ‘Tēvzemei un Brīvībai’ (Latvian for ‘to Fatherland and Freedom’), compared the letters to those in his Latvian-English phrase book, nodded his agreement and started to pee on the foundation. Doing so he exclaimed: ‘To freedom, yours and ours!’ Then he elaborated: ‘Freedom and fatherland can not coexist!’

      It was a substantial minus in his favour

      The policemen on duty hit the ceiling in indignation as they saw and heard him. They jumped to apprehend him and as they ran they saw two beavers sawing off a tree quite illegally. The policemen yelled: ‘You’ll be the witnesses!’, but the beavers disappeared almost at once. Truth be told, as soon as they reached the monument they noticed that the puddle below this Brit was forming a shape mirroring the familiar contours of the Latvian map. And it was obvious that Abrene[6] became a part of Latvia again. Since their knowledge of the English language was ‘limited’ they could not comprehend what on Earth it meant – ‘What is the meaning of zees?’ They were also puzzled as how to treat this belated support of the Briton in his demand for the re-establishment of the old borders in the most politically correct fashion. The policemen really did not want to do wrong and cause the protests from Russian, and maybe also from Lithuanian[7] sides. So they did not insist that the tourist should change his peeing patterns: ‘Be more precise!’

      At first the policemen tried to persuade him to make a few steps aside and use the nearby bathroom, but the foreigner ignored them, and instead stripped out of his clothes, apparently to entertain his buddies who, by the way, photographed their mate like that. The policemen reached their limit and delivered the silly gentleman to the station. Perhaps the sculpture is supposed to show how the Briton preformed in the drunk tank.

      Or was that after a night on the jailhouse bed, when his drinking buddies met him the day after? As ignited as he was, he left once the bail was paid. Who can say now! They tell all kinds of stories.

      Revolutionary ideas and shocking behaviour have lives of their own according to the way they are perceived and the memorable demonstration by Richard Blockhead is just one more example of this.[8] Many people identified with the ‘Peeing Briton’ and who knows, perhaps our reader would also find an impulse akin to Richard’s liberation manifesto.

      Yet another publication depicting the triumph of a new ‘British’ fashion in a weekly Riga newspaper ‘7 Secrets’ of 4 February 2010. Members of ‘The Peeing British Club’ are willing to pay a fortune at Sotheby’s for an original issue

      What follows is written for those readers who find themselves disconnected from civilization, socially blind, deaf, or having been otherwise incapacitated and have not heard much of Richard Blockhead. For those we provide a review of the newsagents’ reports as well as commentaries on the brave demonstration of Blockhead by various media. Readers who take advantage of the info will become aware of the resonance this event caused, and once again certain that our contemporary society has long been awaiting from its heroes, a proof of the end of modern culture and the meaninglessness of its imagery and harmony.

      A Fairy Turns Boy into Rock and our Brit Becomes Bronze[9]

      One Riga paper chose to announce the opening of the ‘Peeing Briton’ monument under such headline in its ‘Shame on you!’ page. It also

1

Lāčplēsis Day (Latvian: Lāčplēša Diena) is celebrated on November 11, the victory over the Bermontians at the battle of Riga (please see the details on p. 201).

2

Drawings, photographs and illustrations have been authorised for use in this book by Mr. Richard P. Blockhead’s trustees, administration of The Peeing British Club and The VIP Club. If you have any questions or comments about the accuracy of Nessie’s (Nessiteras rhombopteryx) visual depictions please send your requests to: The Loch Ness Museum, Inverness-shire, IV63 6TU, Scotland. Or to the Richard Blockhead’s and Nessie’s museum curator in Latvia at: [email protected]

3

As the further history shows this ‘celebratory’ astonishing incident turned into a new English extreme activity. It was later followed by the Irish, Portuguese, and other Caucasian nationalities.

4

According to another legend, simplified but nevertheless heroic, this little boy saved the city from the threat of the imminent fire. By peeing, he extinguished the burning wick beneath the gunpowder that had been laid out by the enemy under the city walls. Hence the boy became famous far beyond Flanders.

5

Why on that day, why on the Lāčplēsis Day, why on the 11 November? One version explains that Richard Blockhead chose this date subconsciously. He may have had a personal motivation to do so, of which he was not aware at the time. In fact, Richard avenged his Scottish girlfriend whom Lāčplēsis had humiliated back in the ancient times. The readers will learn the details on page 108 when they get there.

6

A Latvian town of Abrene (arch. Pytalovo) and the counties surrounding it were given to Russia in 1944.

7

If we take a careful look at the Briton’s map we will also notice that a Lithuanian town of Palanga has also become a part of Latvia once more. Palanga was considered Latvian territory from 1919 to 1921.

8

It is not uncommon for great books to borrow a plot from real events. Daniel Defoe wrote his legend of Robinson Crusoe when he heard the story of Alexander Selkirk, the sailor. They say that Dostoyevsky borrowed the plot for Crime and Punishment from the police cases. So this legend of peeing Briton was also born from the real event reported by the Criminal-inform agency.

9

A small newspaper ‘Rīga dimd’ (‘Riga Resonance’) takes its title from a Latvian folk song with a chorus Ai jai jā, tral lalā, kas to Rīgu dimdināj which can be translated as: Oh-la-la, tral-la-la who excited Riga so?