The Four Rs of Parenting. Carmen Bynoe Bovell

      The author’s questions, based on what she terms the four Rs—respect, responsibility, reciprocity, and restraint—elicit cogent responses from forty-two parents, adults, and young adults that many can relate to. These interesting, practical responses reflect the views of the respondents who vary in age, and although many of the adults are old-school, some acknowledge changes that they have made while parenting in the twenty-first century. It is also heartwarming that the young adults interviewed demonstrate a depth of thought that spells progress for the next generation.

      Overall, the responses emerge from places of deep consciousness and highlight the challenges we all face when bringing up the next generation. This book is not meant to be a blueprint, but it can function as a guide for those on their parenthood journey.

      Dr. Carmen Barclay Subryan

      Retired Faculty, Howard University

      Published Author

      Acknowledgments

      My sincerest thanks to the parents, young adults, and elders whose willingness to be interviewed and wholeheartedly share their thoughts and experiences made this book possible. Thanks also to my son, Marlon Bovell, for his patience and tireless efforts in assisting me with the technical aspects of securely saving the oral and written transcripts of all interviews and formatting the first draft of the book. Finally, a million thanks to Cyndi Mercado, professional transcriber, who made it possible for me to utilize all interview recordings by transcribing those that were difficult for me to convert to print.

      Introduction

      I have heard it said over and over again that parenting is hard work. When you stop to think about it, raising children can be a challenging responsibility. It is hard work, for sure, and can be intense for at least the first twenty-two years of your child’s life, that is, from birth through the first four years of college. Most young men and women I have talked to about having and raising children in the future have expressed a desire to have children; however, many have also stated they may not have what it takes to be successful at fulfilling such an important responsibility.

      Raising children can be challenging; however, it doesn’t have to be. If parents utilize certain strategies from the very beginning, their parenting experience should be less bumpy and more satisfying. There are many parents and grandparents who will agree with this statement, and I selected a sample from among them to be contributors to this book based on my experiences with them over many years and my knowledge and observations of how their children and grandchildren live their lives as responsible, respectable, productive citizens. I selected the young adult contributors for this same reason, that is, how they live their lives as the embodiment of the values I espouse in this book.

      Parenting is as important today as it has been in the past and will continue to be in the future. In fact, “intentional parenting” is of critical importance today as our society is riddled with issues of violence—both domestic and in our schools and neighborhoods, school dropouts, bullying, and substance abuse, to name a few. Not that these issues are new to this era, but they appear to have escalated and have become more difficult to contain and remedy.

      “Intentional parenting,” a term and concept I have coined, is values-based. It refers to parents being guided by certain principles or values by which they raise their children. That is what this book is about. The Four Rs of Parenting documents conversations about parenting or child-rearing beliefs and practices I have had with parents, young adults who are not yet parents, but who plan to have children in the future, and grandparents who I refer to as elders. My conversations with all three groups centered on the importance of the four values of respect, responsibility, reciprocity, and restraint in the process of raising children; however, there was a different emphasis with each group. With the parents, I emphasized how and why they applied these values in raising their children; with the young adults, I focused on what they would and would not carry over from how they were parented to their own parenting of their children and their thoughts about whether the four values were relevant in today’s world among children, youth, and young adults. With the elders, I centered more on what twenty-first-century parents could do to raise children who internalized and practiced these four values, as well as the kind of external support that would be beneficial to parents in raising their children.

      I firmly believe that although some may consider the four values “old school,” they are still relevant in today’s world because they are basic human values that have assured a decent, caring society; however, there has been an erosion of these values, and here are a few examples. As I walk through my neighborhood every morning, I pass a community college, and every day there is so much litter on the grounds as well as in my neighborhood. As I ride on trains and buses in my city, visit community stores and shopping centers, watch the news on television, or even walk on the sidewalk, I hear adults verbally abusing young children and cursing in their presence, I see adults physically abusing children, and numerous other abusive, unhealthy behaviors. What’s going on in our world? How can we turn it around? I believe paying attention to parenting practices in our society is not the only solution, but it is a critically important aspect of the problems we face in our society today. So let’s go back to basics and give priority to how we raise our children.

      The values presented in this book are in the social emotional domain and although there is little reference to academics, the areas discussed are essential in supporting and reinforcing children’s successful academic development. So read and discuss the opinions and recommendations in this book with family and friends and come up with your own opinions and recommendations concerning the positive and successful rearing of children in your family.

      Be open-minded when reading this book. You will find thoughts and opinions from a range of individuals representing diverse ages, ethnic groups, and of course, both genders. You will find similarities and differences in some responses to the same questions, and I encourage you to consider the similarities as reinforcing and the differences as unique and refreshing, providing more food for thought, deliberation, and decision-making.

      It is important to note that this book is written in a conversational style and reflects the unique speaking style of each contributor or respondent. I thought it necessary and significant to use this approach in order to capture the authenticity of each contributor’s real, valuable and rich stories about his or her parenting experiences and parenting advice.

      I hope this book will speak to today’s twenty-first-century parents, because I feel our society is in trouble and we need to make absolutely sure that the present and next generations will restore values, beliefs, and practices that are important in raising children to be productive citizens.

      —Carmen E. Bynoe Bovell

      Section 1

      Conversations with Parents

      In this section, parents respond to the following questions:

       What are your thoughts about parenting?

       As a parent, how do you define the concept or value of respect, including self-respect?

       How do you show respect for yourself, your child or children, and others?

       As a parent, how do you define the concept or value of responsibility?

       How important is responsibility?

       How important is it for you to be a responsible parent and for your child/children to develop and demonstrate responsible behavior?

       How do you or how have you demonstrated responsibility in your own parenting? Give examples of your own responsible behavior?

       As a parent, how do you define the concept of reciprocity, or “the Golden Rule”?

       How do you model reciprocity as a parent?

       As a parent, how do you define the concept or value of restraint?

       How important is restraint?

       Give examples of how you practice