Brains Confounded by the Ode of Abū Shādūf Expounded, with Risible Rhymes. Yūsuf al-Shirbīnī

said to it, “Either I speak or you do!”

      11.7.25

      Nifṭawayh relates, on the authority of Ḥakīm ibn ʿAyyāsh al-Kalbī, that delegations from Quraysh and the Bedouins met with ʿAbd al-Malik. While the latter was holding audience, a Bedouin of whom ʿAbd al-Malik was particularly fond came in. ʿAbd al-Malik was delighted and said, “A happy day indeed!” and seating the man next to him called for a bow, with which he took a shot. Then he passed it on to the next man on his right, who in turn took a shot, until it came around to the Bedouin. When the Bedouin pulled hard on the bow, he farted, and threw it down in embarrassment. ʿAbd al-Malik said, “The Bedouin has put us to shame! We were too greedy for his company, but I know that the only thing that will settle his problem is food.” Then he called for the food tray to be brought and said, “Come forward, Bedouin, and fart!” though what he meant to say was “and eat!” The Bedouin said to him, “I have already done so!” to which ʿAbd al-Malik responded, “We belong to God and to God we shall return! We have indeed been tested today! By God, I shall make it something to remember! Page, bring me ten thousand dirhams!” The page brought them, and ʿAbd al-Malik gave them to the Bedouin, who, when he received them, was consoled and rejoiced and forgot what he had let slip. At this Ḥakīm ibn ʿAyyāsh al-Kalbī recited:

      A farter from ʿAbd Qays lets one rip,

      And the Commander gives him a ten-thousand-dinar tip?

      Some fart, to net so much!

      Some fart, to make a pauper rich!

      We all would happily fart as one

      If that fart would net one tenth of that sum.

      If a thousand per thousand’s the going rate,

      Just hear me fart, God set the Commander straight!

      ʿAbd al-Malik smiled and rewarded Ḥakīm ibn ʿAyyāsh with a like amount.

      11.7.26

      And it is said that al-Ṣaghīrī²⁶⁴ approached an emir when the latter was holding a salon and wanted to speak but farted instead and turned away in embarrassment. One of those who heard him then said:

      Tell al-Ṣaghīrī when he turns away fast

      At a fart like a flute playing to the oud,

      “’Tis but a wind you cannot control,

      Since you’re not Sulaymān son of Dāʾūd!”²⁶⁵

      11.7.27

      These are all examples of savoir faire and of how to draw a veil over the faults of others and find excuses for a member of a gathering if he farts unavoidably, to spare him the embarrassment and the ridicule of the unforgiving that he would otherwise have to endure. This is why they tell the following riddle about a fart:

      One newly born, whose mother never bled,

      Who has no life and does not stir.

      All guffaw, though she’s not seen,

      But her owner doesn’t laugh—he’s too ashamed of her.

      If, on the other hand, the farting is a deliberate act on someone’s part and not because of an indisposition or an illness, then it’s disgusting and bad-mannered and shows contempt for those sitting in the gathering, and the one who farts there behaves inappropriately even if he is trying, for example, to be funny.

      11.7.28

      We have observed in the villages of the countryside that, if a person farts unexpectedly at a gathering, he suffers enormously at the others’ hands, and they force him to prepare them food. Sometimes they make him a mark in whitewash or lime on the wall next to where he was sitting so that everyone may see and know that he farted on that spot. On occasion he may even leave the village because of the reproach they heap on him for what he did, all of which arises from the coarseness of their natures, the worthlessness of their characters, their intolerance of farters, and their indifference to their embarrassment. However that may be, anyone who farts involuntarily is to be excused, especially if stifling the wind would cause him discomfort, even if he is in company. In such circumstances there is nothing wrong with his farting there, and he should be forgiven by reason of his indisposition.

      11.7.29

      I saw in a book that the reason that Ḥātim, God benefit us through him, was given the nickname “the Deaf”²⁶⁶ is that a woman came to ask him about something and, when she spoke, an audible wind came out, so she was embarrassed and fell silent. Ḥātim told her, “Raise your voice when you speak, for I am deaf!” as a way of sparing her embarrassment. The woman rejoiced and was convinced that he had not heard her fart. Then he became known for that, God be pleased with him.

      11.7.30

      And once it happened that I loved a youth,²⁶⁷ comely of person, refined of personality, honeyed of tongue, tender of limb, most wonderful in beauty, most winsome in coquetry. Infatuated with his charms, hankering for his arms, ever alert to be alone with him for a space and for fortune to cast us together in some place, I happened across him in a meadow whose fragrant plants exuded balm, whose birds filled the air with song under many a towering palm, where proudly he strolled in garments of glory with to his gait a delectable twist—and how much sweeter a chance encounter than any tryst! I greeted him in open fashion, revealed to him my passion, and asked him to sit down, with which request he complied—and ah, how sweet it is when lovers sit side by side! Then, after we’d settled ourselves and taken our place, and I wanted to take advantage of his compliant grace, among those meadows all in bloom, and all that fragrance and perfume, and to enjoy his converse sweet and pure, and accents of supreme allure, along came a bunch of those whose persons are coarse and natures gross, who sat down without invitation, and plunged without manners into conversation. The youth felt shy and hung his head, assailed by rage and dread, but as he made a move to flee a sound escaped, involuntarily. They mocked him then and left without more ado, making disparaging comments as they did so. He looked at me, his eye with kohl bright, his face a lovely sight, and said, “What say you to the chidings of those boors?” And thus did I recite:

      11.7.31

      They chided the beloved, unaware

      Of what he meant by what he did

      When he displayed his scorn for his companions,

      Showing that from him their churlishness was no way hid,

      And thought it best to speak sweetly with them,

      Employing a subtle utterance, like honey,

      Though this was lost on them, since they

      Were men of coarseness and ennui.

      He called out to them from his buttocks

      With a delicate sound, unpremeditated—

      11.7.32

      Something to match their condition

      And their most lowly state;

      And so they left a gathering

      That gazelle and ghazal did unite—

      May we ne’er be deprived of a fart

      That can put such ills to flight!

      It came out sweetly, and cleared the place

      Of censors and their displeasure,

      So praise be to God for getting rid

      Of a burden that’s now gone forever!

      11.7.33

      So fart, sing, and be happy,

      And roam, brave lad, and be gay,

      In a meadow, oh so lovely,

      Where joy has come to stay!

      So long as you’re willing to have him,

      Your slave will ne’er avert his face—

      But,