Brains Confounded by the Ode of Abū Shādūf Expounded, with Risible Rhymes. Yūsuf al-Shirbīnī

of Our Master al-Ḥusayn, may the Almighty be pleased with him:

      Wearers of the ʿabāʾ are we, the five of us;²⁶⁰

      We hold sway over east and west!

      11.7.11

      ʿAbāʾah is derived from ʿabb al-māʾ (“he gulped the water”) because it “gulps it up” (taʿubbuhu) if it is thrown into it, or from the ʿubūb (“billows”) of the river in the days of the Nile flood,²⁶¹ or from the abū ʿubayyah (“the one with the little cloak”), a nickname that the women of the countryside give to certain small chicks. The paradigm is ʿabba, yaʿubbu, ʿabban.

      11.7.12

      wa-yabqā (“and (my farts) are”): that is, are while I am in this state in which I find myself, namely, that of having loose bowels and with my sloppy stools running all over me from the insecurity and the terror while I am wrapped and enveloped in that cloak …

      11.7.13

      ḍurāṭī (“my farts”): that is, the sounds made by the wind resounding harmoniously in the belly as a result of eating lentils and bīsār, when expelled by the pounding of my members and the shaking of my heart, are …

      11.7.14

      shibha (“like”): that is, resemble the sounds made by the beating of …

      11.7.15

      ṭablin (“a drum”): meaning a hide mounted on wood or copper beaten during processions and on joining combat; it makes a loud noise and creates great terror and is permitted by religion in all its forms except for the kūbah, which is a small drum with a narrow neck also known as the darābukkah (“goblet drum”), and the ṭabl al-riqq (“tambourine”), which is used by singers—these belong to the category of instruments employed for frivolous purposes. Likewise, all types of wind instruments, except the trumpet, are forbidden by religion.²⁶²

      11.7.16

      ʿanīf (“loud”): that is, beaten hard; one says someone “dealt harshly with” (ʿannafa) another, meaning that he beat him or disciplined him. The meaning is that the sound of that wind that exits from his belly and is called farting resembles the sound of a drum beaten vigorously and forcefully, according to which analysis the adjective would refer to the one beating rather than the thing beaten.²⁶³ Or it may be that by “a loud drum” he means a big one, such as the kettledrum or the like, since he knows no other.

      11.7.17

      To give a brief overview of this word, farts fall into four categories: first, the fart that emerges delicately, with a feeble sound, and is of extended duration; second, the fart that circulates, rumbling, in the belly, then emerges as wind with no sound; third, the fart that emerges mixed with feces and makes a sound like a water pitcher when it is full; and fourth, the fart that emerges violently, with a loud noise that strikes terror into the heart, this last being the one to which the poet so frankly draws our attention. And each of these four categories has a cause by which it is occasioned.

      11.7.18

      The first is caused by refined airs that are generated in a person’s belly, then emerge, as per their particular state and degree of feebleness, from between the buttocks, with a sound as delicate as they are refined, their delicacy being attributable to the refinement of the dish consumed. As the poet says:

      The fart of the beloved emerged delicately

      And with refinement, for his food was refined.

      This type of fart emanates from people with refined bodies and from eaters of light foods.

      11.7.19

      The second is the fart that circulates, rumbling, in the belly, and sometimes comes to a stop right in the middle of it, not moving until the sufferer has almost perished, then proceeds with distentionary strength and loud rumbling to the extremities of the belly. This sort causes injury. It is known to physicians as an “unripened fart” and is generated by coarse foods. If it ripens, it emerges at speed, and if any part of it emerges before it has ripened, it does so as an inaudible fart, in which case the subsequent emergence of the audible fart is of rare occurrence. The poet says:

      He eats any-old-how all day,

      And at night you find his belly rumbles.

      11.7.20

      A man once went to a doctor and told him, “I feel the collywobbles and a rumbling in my belly.” The doctor told him, “As to the collywobbles, I couldn’t venture an opinion, but as to the rumbling, it’s an unripened fart.” If the wind circulates in the belly without rumbling but with acute pain, it is called colic and is treated by consuming a quantity of wormwood or thyme boiled with sugar for breakfast; it may last an entire day or an entire night. It happened that Ibn al-Rāwandī, may God excuse his sins, was afflicted by such a colic for an entire night and passed the time imploring the Almighty to send him relief in the form of a single fart, but such was not vouchsafed to him. First thing in the morning he went out supporting himself on a stick he had and heard a man saying, “Lord, send me a thousand dinars!” Ibn al-Rāwandī said to him, “You crass fool! All night long I’ve been asking Him for a single fart and He didn’t give it to me, and you think He’s going to send you a thousand dinars?” Then he left him and went his way. For these reasons it is called “low-emission colic.”

      11.7.21

      The third is the fart that emerges mixed with feces and is caused by the winds mixing and blending with the excreta just before they emerge, the two coming together as one relieves himself, especially if the bowels are loose. As a result, noises that are staccato and non-legato are to be heard, resembling the gurgling of a water pitcher when full. These are caused by emissions from the bloating of the stomach and relaxation of the bowels consequent to taking food that is too easily digested, followed by its copious, rapid descent. As the poet says:

      When a man’s in a shithouse all on his own,

      The emissions of his bloat will surely be heard.

      Thus the man of good sense will pretend he heard naught,

      While the moron can have the farts up his beard!

      11.7.22

      Sometimes a fart will emerge with a delicate sound like the mewling and humming that a spindle makes as women spin with it. Such a sound once emerged from a certain poet and when his companions chided him for it he said:

      This is a child of my belly who came out crying,

      “I’ve lost me a spindle. It’s quite disappeared.”

      And if anyone says to me, “Stifle your farts!”

      I’ll bury my shit deep in his beard!

      The poet makes the stomach the mother and the fart within it the daughter who leaves her mother and who starts crying and mewling like a spindle on being separated from her. From this it is to be understood that he is to be excused, and he who does not excuse him is ignorant of his state and the poet’s shit will be in his beard.

      11.7.23

      A fart may come without warning, as when one lifts something heavy, or makes a great leap, or stands up suddenly, but in such cases the sound is not as long as in the others, and such a fart is less harmful than the preceding. For instance, it happened that a Bedouin poet once let out a sudden loud fart, and his companions reproached him. The Bedouin then proceeded to recite the following:

      I farted but by that did nothing unknown to mankind,

      Nor did my anus commit some sin of which I should repent.

      Since all the world’s anuses are given to farting,

      Who can reproach me for such an event?

      11.7.24

      And once two men went before a judge, and one of them stepped forward and made his complaint