Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. Egan Pierce

      “The Government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objects of great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious and elegant, and worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. The hall of the Navy office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing the terrace and river, and the other facing the court. On the right is the Stamp-office: it consists of a multitude of apartments: the room in which the stamping is executed is very interesting to the curious. On the left you see the Pay-office of the Navy.

      “The principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is the solidity and completeness of the workmanship in the masonry, and indeed in every other part.”

      After taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they again sallied forth into the Strand, mingling with all the noise and bustle of a crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling each other, parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. The barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be careful in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be the inevitable consequence.

      “My dear fellow!” exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged the Honourable Tom Dashall on one side—“you are the very person I wanted—I'm very glad to see you in town again—but I have not a moment to spare—the blood-hounds are in pursuit—this term will be ended in two days, then comes the long vacation—liberty without hiring a horse—you understand—was devilishly afraid of being nabb'd just now—should have been dished if I had—lend me five shillings—come, make haste.”

      “Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember—' When I grow rich' was the reply.”

      “Know—yes, I know all about it—but no matter, I'm not going to settle accounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor. Fine sport to-morrow, eh—shall be at the Ring—in cog.—take no notice—disguised as a Quaker—Obadiah Lankloaks—d——d large beaver hat, and hide my physog.—Lend me what silver you have, and be quick about it, for I can't stay—thank you, you're a d——a good fellow, Tom, a trump—shall now pop into a hack, and drive into another county—thank ye—good day—by by.”

      During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingenious Mr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, in a few minutes was out of his sight.

      Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached, and giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder—“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed he, “what are you done again?”

      “I suppose so,” said Dashall; “confound the fellow, he is always borrowing: I never met him in my life but he had some immediate necessity or other to require a loan of a little temporary supply, as he calls it.”

      “I wonder,” said Sparkle, “that you are so ready to lend, after such frequent experience—how much does he owe you?”

      “Heaven only knows,” continued Tom, “for I do not keep account against him, I must even trust to his honour—so it is useless to stand here losing our time—Come, let us forward.”

      “With all my heart,”, said Sparkle, “and with permission I propose a visit to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's.”

      This proposition being highly approved of, they continued their walk along the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes were attracted by the appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen of the Guards, who appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and surrounded a house on the front of which appeared a long string of high and distinguished names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated animal called the Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach to the door, Tallyho could not help admiring the simple elegance of a shop-front belonging to a grocer, whose name is Peck.

      “Very handsome and tasty, indeed,” replied Sparkle; “that combination of marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of being laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner, I think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shops in the world.” And by this time they entered the opposite house.

CHAPTER IX

       Table of Contents

      “In London my life is a ring of delight,

      In frolics I keep up the day and the night;

      I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later,

      I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter;

      ?Your Honour,' says he, and he makes me a leg;

      He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg;

      For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce,

      So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce.

      With—swearing, tearing—ranting, jaunting—slashing,

      smashing—smacking, cracking—rumbling, tumbling

      —laughing, quaffing—smoking, joking—swaggering,

      Staggering:

      So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow,

      This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow.”

      UPON entering the house, and depositing their shilling each to view this newly discovered animal from the Apalachian mountains of America, and being supplied with immense long bills descriptive of his form and powers—“Come along (said Sparkle,) let us have a look at the most wonderful production of nature—only seventeen months old, five feet ten inches high, and one of the most fashionable fellows in the metropolis.”

      “It should seem so,” said Tallyho, “by the long list of friends and visitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare.”

      “Perhaps,” said Tom, “there are more Bon asses than one.”

      “Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion in this case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkey about him, and makes no noise, as you will infer from the following lines in the Bill:

      “As the Bonassus does not roar,

      His fame is widely known,

      For no dumb animal before

      Has made such noise in town.”

      At this moment the barking of a dog assailed their ears, and suspended the conversation. Passing onward to the den of the Bonassus, they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling stature, with his hair, whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as to form a complete contrast with his complexion and a black silk handkerchief which he wore round his neck, holding a large brown-coloured dog by the collar, in order to prevent annoyance to the visitors.

      “D——n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best tempered creature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of the Bonassus “—and espying Sparkle, “Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?—I have not seen you for a long while.”

      “Why, Sir D—n—ll, I am happy to say I never was better in my life—allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Robert Tallyho—Sir D—n—ll Harlequin.”

      The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed among them, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered, expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and, lugging his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished them a good morning.

      “There is an eccentric man of Title,” continued Sparkle.

      “I should judge,” said Bob, “there was a considerable portion of eccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?”

      “A