25 Myths about Bullying and Cyberbullying. Elizabeth K. Englander

You may or may not have the answers for all the typical dilemmas like these, but at least you understand the questions. In the case of bullying, though, the quagmire of information makes it unclear what we're actually talking about. What is social cruelty? It can be a problem that will simply pass – but we're also told it can be permanently scarring. A 2015 review of the long‐term studies on bullying concluded that bullying had negative effects on a target's emotions, cognitions, and relationships.⁵ And what is the right response? Intervening can be destructive in some situations but helpful in others. How can you tease apart the serious situations where not intervening could lead to serious depression or problems, versus a transient episode where your child (or you!) could learn to stand up and be assertive? If you do intervene, you might be crippling an emerging ability to defend oneself; but if you don't intervene, you might be risking emotional, social, and even academic problems.

      The myths that surround bullying and cyberbullying foster all these dilemmas and frustrations, and they’re what I'm going to tackle here. I could talk about 25 facts; but instead, I'm going to discuss 25 pieces of misinformation that are common but that also might be hampering your ability to clearly understand and effectively cope with these problems. Generally speaking, these aren't what I would call senseless myths, like believing that bullies are possessed by demons. Our modern‐day myths about bullying and cyberbullying often were once helpful pieces of information; put simply, bullying and cyberbullying have changed so much in the last 15 years that it's hard for the advice to keep pace. But it's important to have accurate information. As adults, we won't be able to prevent or intervene in bullying and cyberbullying if we can't accurately identify and respond to it. If you don't know, for example, what types of psychological bullying or cyberbullying are the most common types, you won't know what to look for, you might not recognize it when it happens, and you won't be able to help your child form coping strategies.

But just the facts (or just the myths) aren't enough, for a few reasons. First, in real life, while there are always notable exceptions to the rule, sometimes we confuse the exception and the rule. It's hard to know what's common and what's rare. As an example, take the fact that most bullying today is psychological, not physical. This trend is undeniable – even by 2012, 88% of the incidents I studied in my research were psychological in nature. But that doesn't mean every single case is only psychological. If you vividly recall being physically bullied as a child, the intensity of that memory makes it hard to accept the idea that bullying today isn't, for the most part, physical. When your own child is being shoved into his locker at school every day, it's hard to believe that his experience is actually much less common, and even harder to see why such trends matter. (Indeed, in that case, they might not.) The facts about bullying and cyberbullying aren't absolute – they are guidelines, but important ones, since they help us know what to look for and how to react when we find it. If you read somewhere that “torn clothing” is a good indication of bullying, you're going to fail to notice an awful lot (since verbal bullying and cyberbullying obviously don't tear anyone's clothes). No one type of bullying accounts for 100% of the cases, but the best way to identify bullying is still to learn to recognize where and how it's most likely to be manifested. Ultimately, parents need to know the facts, the frequent variations, and the personal and emotional experiences that can surround these issues.

      The second reason it's not enough to simply list facts about bullying and cyberbullying is that such an approach ignores the reality that these behaviors are sometimes associated with other, much more devastating, outcomes (such as severe emotional damage and even death). Does bullying cause depression and possibly suicide? Does it cause homicidal behavior? When a particular incident (usually in the news media) seems to highlight a possible association between bullying and a catastrophic outcome, it can be difficult to shake the feeling that bullying is terribly dangerous, even if you have the facts at your fingertips. Bullying may not often contribute to suicide, but if you have a depressed, bullied child, that may be a risk you're not willing to ignore. (Nor should you.) When the stakes are high, we're motivated to pay attention even to small probabilities. Consider: overall, it's not likely that you'll die in a car crash; but even so, no one denies the value and importance of safety belts.

Understand the myths, because myths can ultimately impede your ability to cope and your ability to help your child learn to cope. Thinking that a catastrophic outcome (like suicide) is common – when it's not – can invoke paralyzing anxiety and fear. You're so scared of suicide that you might ignore the bullying. Lack of knowledge can mean using the wrong tactics, or none at all. Maybe you encourage your child to hit back, and she is subsequently suspended from school. Not knowing what to look for can cause either over‐attribution (characterizing something that's not bullying as bullying) or under‐attribution (failing to see bullying or cyberbullying when it happens).

      So in this book, instead of staking out absolute “factual” positions (i.e. it is true or it isn't true), I'm going to take a look at both the most recent trends in bullying and cyberbullying research and the complexity that defines 25 of the most common myths. Dealing with bullying and cyberbullying is all about prevention and strategy; and because, frankly, it's not always a 100% fixable problem, it's also about increasing coping skills, social support, and resiliency. The questions we ask our children and the assumptions we make have a big impact on the tactics we discuss with our kids and the success they ultimately have.

      My own vantage point is somewhat unique. I'm a researcher and a professor, and my 30 years of research and teaching focus on bullying, aggression, and digital technology (a somewhat odd, but actually quite useful, combination). I'm also a parent who's had to deal with my own children's experiences of social cruelty, as well as deal with all the chaos, tension, and difficulty surrounding the use of digital technology in any home with modern kids. My experience as a mother has taught me how challenging and frustrating this issue can be and how much we can long for fast, easy, ripping‐off‐the‐Band‐Aid solutions. I know how hard it is to see my kids feeling hurt, and how tempting it is to try to fix everything for them. But it's my longstanding professional interest as a researcher and a teacher, and my relationships with colleagues both in North America and in Europe, that have most strongly guided my perspective. When considering how to help children with these problems, I think it's critical to take into account how kids develop and how digital technology really impacts human communication and human relationships. It's the juxtaposition of these two areas of knowledge that I'll bring to this book. If your expectation is an instant resolution, you should know up front that this problem can defy quick solutions. But there is relief to be had. Not perfection – but relief.

You may find yourself wanting to hold unto some of the myths I describe here. It's important to remember that myths about bullying and cyberbullying aren't fantasies, make‐believe, silly, or baseless. It's easy to dismiss myths that have no history of real evidence: you probably know that the Earth isn't flat and that crossing your eyes doesn't make them stick that way. It's a lot more difficult to dismiss beliefs or strategies that were once essentially correct, but that aren't today. As the world shifts and changes, explanations that were spot‐on a generation ago can indeed become completely wrong – sometimes dismayingly so. Fifty years ago, an American with only a high school diploma could land a job that would enable him or her to maintain a middle‐class lifestyle. But today, it would be a myth to say that a high school education is all you need to live in the middle class. The rapidity of these types of social changes is why myths about bullying and cyberbullying can be among the toughest to challenge. Let's get started.

      Notes

      1 1 DiIulio Jr., J.J. (1995). Moral poverty: The coming of the super‐predators should scare us into wanting to get to the root causes of crime a lot faster. Chicago Tribune (15 December), p. 31.

      2 2 C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital. (2017). Mott Poll report: Bullying and internet safety are top health concerns for parents. https://mottpoll.org/reports‐surveys/bullying‐and‐internet‐safety‐are‐top‐health‐concerns‐parents