I Have No Secrets. Penny Joelson

than the idea of actually going to Carlstone, so I feel calmer. But as the day goes on, I sense something isn’t right. I’ve got a pain in my back and my lower tummy. I might have an infection. That’s happened before and it can get really bad if no one notices.

      As Sarah wheels me into the kitchen at dinner time I hear Mum telling Dad that the police have charged the man they were questioning.

      ‘That’s good news,’ says Sarah. ‘Who was it? Do they know why he did it?’

      ‘Why who did what?’ Olivia demands, coming in.

      Mum gives Sarah a look as if she shouldn’t be asking such things in front of Olivia, which is a bit unfair as Olivia’s only just sneaked in and it was Mum who brought it up. I want to know more details too, but Dad changes the subject and starts marvelling about Finn’s amazing matchstick squares again. It’s so frustrating.

      Olivia glowers. Everyone tenses. She’s like a lit firework that’ll go off with a bang at any moment.

      Dad tries to distract her by asking her what she’d like for her birthday. She turns to him, her eyes wide with excitement. It’s not her birthday for three months, but this doesn’t seem to matter as she takes a deep breath and starts to reel off a very long list. A TV for her room, an iPad, a bigger doll’s house. Then Olivia adds, ‘That’s if I’m still here.’

      Mum and Dad look at her in astonishment. ‘Of course you’ll still be here, love,’ says Dad. ‘This is your home. You’re not going anywhere.’

      ‘I’m not sure I can promise you any of those things for your birthday, though,’ Mum adds quickly, catching Dad’s eye. ‘You’ll have to wait and see.’

      I suddenly realise that Olivia can rarely have had more than one birthday in one place. It must be hard for her to trust that she’s really here to stay.

      At least Dad’s successfully distracted her from Sarah’s question about the murder suspect. I’m still thinking about it, though. Who have the police charged? If it’s Dan then Sarah will surely know soon. Or is it someone else altogether?

      During the night I kept thinking about it until the pain in my stomach got so bad that I was only thinking about that. Now it’s there all the time rather than coming and going. I was willing Sarah to notice this morning, as I can usually rely on her to pick up on it when something’s not right. But she seemed distracted.

      At school I am uncomfortable all day. Then something happens that stops me thinking about the pain altogether. About an hour after we get home Mum asks where Finn is. No one can find him.

      Mum is looking upstairs, Dad downstairs and Sarah the garden. Olivia is ‘helping’ but clearly getting bored. Dad’s searched every cupboard, including the one under the stairs, twice.

      Mum comes down. Her hair is all over the place and her eyes panicky. ‘He’s not here,’ she mutters. ‘He must have gone outside. He’s not here!’

      Dad soothes her, stroking her back. ‘He’s around here somewhere, I’m sure of it. You know how good he is at hiding. He can’t open the front door.’

      ‘Maybe he slipped out when someone opened it,’ says Mum. She puts her hand to her mouth. ‘I went out the back to put some rubbish out. Could he have got out then?’

      ‘He’s not in the garden, though,’ says Dad, ‘and you didn’t unlock the gate, did you? He’s not tall enough to climb over the gate without standing on something.’

      ‘Finn?’ Mum calls. She‘s trying to sound calm but there’s a rough edge to her voice. ‘Come on out, love! You’re definitely the hide-and-seek winner.’

      Mum and Dad are quiet, waiting, listening. There’s a sound on the stairs. Mum dashes round the banister . . .

      ‘Oh – Olivia! No sign of Finn?’

      ‘He’s probably gone out and walked into the road,’ Olivia announces. ‘He’s got no idea how to cross roads, has he?’

      I hear Mum let out a gasp.

      ‘That’s enough, Olivia,’ says Dad.

      ‘I’ve been looking for him,’ Olivia protests. ‘Looking and looking. Just as hard as everyone else – except Jemma.’ She’s come into view now and gives a glance in my direction.

      I am sitting in the lounge, facing out towards the hallway. I have been sitting like this the whole time, facing the cupboard under the stairs – the cupboard where Finn has been hiding for over an hour. I know he’s there. I saw him go in. He must be curled up so far into the dark back corner that Dad’s two expeditions inside have failed to reveal him.

      Dad goes out to walk the streets, though I’m sure he still thinks that Finn is in the house.

      ‘He’ll turn up,’ Sarah assures Mum.

      ‘You’re sure nothing happened – nothing that upset him?’ Mum asks Sarah.

      I look at Sarah’s face. Although she helps out with Finn and Olivia her job is caring for me. Mum’s not being fair.

      ‘I told you,’ Sarah says crossly, ‘he seemed fine to me – he was lining up cars in his room.’ Sarah looks like she’s going to cry. I want to tell her Mum’s just worried and doesn’t blame her really.

      When Dad comes back Mum wants to call the police. Dad wants to wait. They argue. Mum starts really shouting. It’s awful. If only I could tell them. If only Finn would come out. I try to make a noise – gurgling noises that turn into, ‘Ugghh ugghh.’

      Dad then blames Mum for upsetting me. I’ve just made things worse.

      Sarah comes to comfort me. ‘Don’t worry, Finn will be fine,’ she assures me.

      In the end Dad phones the police.

      I know that Finn must be able to hear this. He knows who the police are, though I’m not sure if he understands enough to realise the worry he’s causing.

      I wonder why he’s hiding. He only does it when he’s really stressed out. Once he hid when his teacher was off sick and he didn’t like the supply teacher. Perhaps the packing has upset him and he’s worried about us being away. That must be it.

      Last time he was found after twenty minutes. He was at the back of Mum and Dad’s wardrobe, behind the shoe rack.

      Dad says the police are on their way. Mum calls social services too. They have to know he is missing. I feel so sorry for Mum. I’m sure she’s worried they’ll think she’s not looking after us properly.

      The doorbell rings.

      ‘That was quick,’ says Mum, rushing to answer.

      I hear a voice I don’t recognise and strain to hear the words. It’s not the police – it’s the window cleaner wanting to be paid.

      ‘Sorry,’ Mum says, sounding frazzled. ‘Do you mind coming back? We’re having a bit of a crisis. You haven’t seen a small boy wandering down the road, have you?’

      I don’t hear the answer. ‘Oh – look, it’s not fair on you. I’ll grab my purse,’ Mum says. She comes into the living room and picks up her bag, without even glancing at me.

      ‘That’s funny, I’m sure I had more than that,’ she says to herself. ‘Ben! Have you got a tenner handy?’

      ‘Sure,’ calls Dad. ‘Really, couldn’t he have waited?’

      As Dad goes to the door, Mum looks like she’s holding back tears.

      When Dad comes back he persuades her to sit down and have a cup of tea while we wait for the police. He pushes me into the kitchen and Mum sits, head in hands, at the table, while Dad puts the kettle on.

      Sarah comes in too, followed by a sulky-looking Olivia.

      ‘Let me do that,’ Sarah tells Dad, getting some mugs