Waiting for Baby. Cathy Mcdavid

Ben’s neck, conducting class. “No? Well, a mule has a donkey father and a horse mother.”

      “She’s always liked being in the spotlight.”

      Lilly whirled around to find Jake standing behind her and sputtered a startled, “Hi.”

      “I hope you don’t mind Briana helping. She’s off school today for some reason.”

      “Not at all.” Lilly tried to focus on the teenager and not her father, who, like Lilly, stood to the side.

      Briana was so much like Jake, in looks and mannerisms and personality. She even pursed her lips in concentration the same way he did before answering the many questions her audience threw at her. Clearly she was knowledgeable about horses and happy to share that knowledge with others. Jake must have been very proud of his oldest. Lilly certainly would be if Briana were her daughter.

      Suddenly a lump formed in the back of Lilly’s throat and tears pricked her eyes. She blinked to counter the effect. What in the world was wrong with her today? Feeling vulnerable and not understanding why, Lilly hugged herself hard—only to let go with a small gasp that Jake fortunately didn’t hear.

      Her breasts hurt. A lot.

      How strange was that? She’d noticed a tenderness this morning when she’d put on her bra but forgot about it in the next instant. Casting a sideways glance at Jake, she hugged herself again. Her breasts were definitely sore.

      She must be having a raging case of PMS, she decided. That would explain her weepiness and the mild off-and-on stomach upset she’d been experiencing. Or maybe her birth control prescription needed adjusting. She hadn’t responded well initially to the pill she was on and required several dosage modifications. What other explanation could there be?

      Unless she was pregnant…

      “Here comes the farrier,” Jake said, nodding at an old pickup truck rumbling down the road.

      Lilly composed herself and muttered, “Great.” Swallowing did nothing to relieve the dryness in her mouth.

      She couldn’t be pregnant. It simply wasn’t possible. She was on the pill and Jake had used condoms. Well, except for that one time when they’d gotten carried away in the hot tub at his house. But it shouldn’t matter; the pill was nearly one-hundred-percent effective if taken every day, which she did without exception.

      There had to be another explanation. Besides, she’d had her period a couple of weeks ago. Granted, it was a few days late and lighter than normal, but still a period. She’d even endured her usual cramping the day or two before.

      “Who’s ready for a tour of the stables?” Briana’s question was met with great enthusiasm from everyone, especially Jimmy Bob, who was glued to her side. “Okay then, stay together. No wandering off. And no talking to the guests.”

      Lilly knew she should go with the group but her feet refused to obey her brain’s command. When Jake tapped her on the shoulder, she practically jumped out of her skin.

      “I’m going to talk to the farrier. Be back in a few minutes.”

      “Sure.” She smiled weakly.

      Watching Jake stride off, she decided that if she didn’t feel better by tomorrow, she’d call her doctor and make an appointment. Another change in dosage, another switch to a different brand of pill and she’d be back to her old self.

      She continued to delude herself for the rest of the morning and several days after that until it became impossible.

      “HOW COULD THIS have happened?”

      “The pill isn’t infallible. And you only began taking it shortly before becoming intimate.”

      “He used a condom.” Most of the time.

      “They break. Leak. Come off.”

      “You’ve seen my records, you know my history. Before Evan, I had two stillbirths. One at five and a half months, the other at seven.” Lilly’s voice rose in pitch with each sentence she uttered.

      Her doctor’s voice, on the other hand, remained calm. “One thing you have to remember, Lilly, is this baby has a different father. The trisomy disorder that affected your previous children may have been a fluke combination of your DNA with your ex-husband’s.”

      Lilly lifted her head, which had been propped in her hand, to meet Dr. Thea Paul’s intense yet compassionate gaze. She liked the ob/gyn, who was a plain old small-town doctor and not a specialist in some obscure field of medicine Lilly didn’t understand. She’d certainly had her fill of those back in Phoenix.

      “I’m the carrier.” She sniffed and wiped her damp cheeks. The emotions she’d been attempting to hold at bay over-whelmed her, and she blubbered, “That’s what the other doctors told us.”

      Her fault the babies died. Her corrupt DNA.

      It was why she’d vowed never to get pregnant again, why she was so diligent about birth control—at least, she’d meant to be diligent.

      Dr. Paul got up from her chair, came around her desk and sat in the chair adjacent to Lilly’s. She took Lilly’s hand in hers. “Science and medicine aren’t exact. I’m sure the other doctors explained your odds of having a healthy baby.”

      “Fifty-fifty. But that’s not how it turned out.” The chromosomal abnormality Lilly had passed on to her babies occurred only in males.

      “Nature isn’t exact, either,” Dr. Paul said.

      “I had my period.” Lilly still resisted.

      “Spotting, even heavy spotting, in the first trimester is common and can be confused with menstrual flow.”

      She wasn’t reassured. Spotting and cramps had plagued her other three pregnancies. Accepting the tissue Dr. Paul offered, she blew her nose.

      “This is all so…unexpected and…upsetting.” She sobbed quietly. “God, you must think I’m a terrible person. All your other patients are probably thrilled to learn they’re pregnant.”

      “Of course I don’t think you’re terrible,” Dr. Paul said soothingly. “You’ve been through a lot and have every reason to worry about the health of your baby. There are several tests you can have that will determine—”

      “No tests. They’re too risky.”

      “Some are, that’s true, but they can help you make an informed decision.”

      Lilly had heard of two patients at the hospital where she’d worked who’d miscarried after having amniocentesis. “There’s only one decision to make. I’m having the baby.”

      Lilly’s personal beliefs wouldn’t allow her to terminate her pregnancy. It had been a contentious issue between her and Brad and a contributing factor to their divorce. When she became pregnant a second time, he’d insisted she undergo every available test.

      She did as he’d asked. The results had revealed that the baby, also a boy, suffered from the same genetic disorder as his brother. After much pressure, Lilly succumbed to her husband’s wishes and went so far as to schedule the termination but changed her mind at the last minute, to her husband’s fury. For two long, agonizing months she carried the baby, knowing his chances of survival were slim to none but praying for a miracle.

      The stillbirth broke her heart and nearly shattered her spirit.

      With Evan, she’d stood her ground and refused all testing. What was the point when an abortion was out of the question? Fear and anxiety were her constant companion during that third pregnancy but so was hope for a girl and a different outcome. She wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world, then and now.

      “Your decision, of course.” Dr. Paul squeezed Lilly’s fingers. “And you can always change your mind later on.”

      “I won’t.”

      Dr.