Let Me Love You. Linda Walters

realized at that moment that their marriage was disintegrating before his eyes and the realization shook him to his core. The foundation they’d built was crumbling.

      “Fine. If you feel the answer to our problems is for you to continue to run the streets each time we have words, go right ahead. I hope you find something out there that will offer you what you already have—but I sincerely doubt it,” he ended, his voice filled with emotion.

      “I’m not looking for anything,” she replied curtly, then left the apartment quickly.

      Several months later, with the same scene playing out over and over again, including an escalation in arguments over the same unacceptable behavior, they’d agreed to separate.

      Terrance was devastated. In his mind, there was no plausible reason their marriage had failed. He attributed it to Brianna’s immaturity and his lack of ability to control her.

      She’d requested the apartment, the furniture, the car and half their bank accounts. They would share custody of Jacqueline. He’d acquiesced because of one thing—guilt. He felt guilty each time he realized that his daughter had been cheated out of growing up with both her parents in the same home, and that he’d been powerless to change that eventuality.

      In the end, Brianna won simply because he hadn’t wanted to drag things out any longer. He’d had to start anew, from scratch, on everything. He’d consoled himself with the fact that his daughter would benefit somehow. Seeing and hearing her parents tear one another apart couldn’t possibly be healthy or beneficial.

      On a more practical note, months later, he still felt disgruntled each time he thought of the furniture they’d purchased together, or items he needed to replace, which he realized he was doing for the second time.

      These thoughts and more rambled through his head quickly as he held the phone to his ear, putting one arm into a white button-down shirt, which he quickly rolled the sleeves up on.

      “Listen, I just wanted you to know that your daughter is a chip off the old block. Jacqueline may have been born to two parents who were in the midst of a marital meltdown, but the genes are still there.”

      “I suspect she’s a powerful mix of us both. Where is the little princess?”

      “Actually, Godmother Grace just picked her up about half an hour ago. They were headed to the mall. I almost went, but decided I could get more mileage out of staying at home and catching up on a few things. I never seem to be able to catch up.” Once again, her voice edged him toward compliance, almost as if they were comrades in arms and Terrance wondered what the real reason for her call was. And then, just as if she’d read his mind, she cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

      “Listen, Terry, I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

      The use of the shortened version of his name stopped him cold. In the past, she’d only used that name when she either wanted something badly, or was in the throes of passion. He suspected the former and prepared himself.

      “Go ahead,” he forced himself to say. It was too late to end the call or to pretend he hadn’t time to listen. He sat on the bed, his senses heightened, his mind fully ready to do combat if necessary, or to offer support if called upon.

      “Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean, we broke up and it was like a hurricane hit. There were a lot of things said, a lot of very hastily made decisions and most importantly, a lot of extremely painful moments. If I could take any of it back, I would. But that’s not what I called you to say.”

      “Okay—go on.”

      “Terry, I think we made a mistake. I know it’s late, I know we’ve both said and done some things that are unforgettable. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” Her voice trailed off then and Terrance let the breath he’d been holding in out of his lungs in a silent rush. His body was no longer tense, just alert. What he’d suspected had just been confirmed. And he knew in his heart that there was no way he was going back. He also recognized that the next words spoken would make all the difference, so he chose them with extreme care. Brianna was no fool, but neither was he. If she’d come calling with her tail between her legs, he suspected there was an agenda in place.

      “Bree, everything you’ve just said is probably true. Everything but the last part. I don’t think it was a mistake at all. I think we both botched up the relationship and I certainly don’t blame you for any of it, ’cause I did my share, too. Truthfully, I just think it wasn’t meant to be. Not for the long run anyway.” His last words echoed in his head as he counted the seconds, waiting for Brianna’s reply.

      “Why do you think that it’s too late? I mean, is it too late for us because we never had it to begin with, or is it too late because you’ve already moved on?”

      Her questions lay heavily on his heart, her voice having taken on a tone of intimacy and eagerness he’d only heard a few times in their years together. It told him of her seriousness, told him that she had indeed thought it through and, more importantly, told him that his next words could possibly be crucial to both their lives.

      Terrance hesitated, gathered his thoughts, then cleared his throat.

      “Brianna, I can’t tell you that I’m surprised to hear you say that you’ve thought this out because I have, too. The truth is that I think we did the right thing by initiating the divorce. For many reasons, we just weren’t right together. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. You’ll always be the mother of my daughter, someone I love very dearly and hopefully, a close friend forever, but I don’t think it would work.”

      He ended the sentence and felt an illuminating moment of regret. He also felt tremendous relief at having told the truth. He inwardly wondered if that would buy him points, then realized that no one was really keeping score.

      Brianna was silent for a moment, then took a deep breath. “I’m sorry you feel that way. For the record, I disagree, but then we always did have different answers. I guess that was part of the problem. We also had a different approach, and a hell of a different way at looking at life. I guess that’s how we got to where we are,” she added, a hint of cynicism in her voice.

      Her tone waved a red flag to him and he wondered if she was just having a bad day or truly felt they would do things better if given a second chance.

      “I want to thank you, Terrance, for being honest.”

      He could hear the disappointment in her voice and wondered if he’d ever be able to forgive himself for putting it there. Then, in a moment of clarity, he chastised himself. He hadn’t fallen out of love with her—not until she had begun to run the street, stay out all night, and not before she’d made it painfully clear to him that the marriage was no longer a priority for her.

      “No problem. Hell, I’m surprised that you picked up the phone to call me. That took guts. You’re one unpredictable woman, Brianna.”

      “Thanks. Sometimes I’m not sure how to separate the present from the past. Our lives are tangled like the branches from a vine, intertwined. Hey, I don’t mean to get deep on you but I have given this some degree of thought.”

      Terrance didn’t respond. There was nothing left to say.

      Brianna had gone over each and every point to see if there was any one factor which she could use to turn his decisions around. If not now, then perhaps later, was her resolve. It wouldn’t be over until she said so. In her mind, that was the final answer, so she switched gears instead.

      “Hey, listen, I really wanted to let you know your daughter is showing definite signs of your personality. That made it a little easier to pick up the phone.” Her voice had taken on an edge of pride when she spoke of Jacqueline. In that moment, Terrance recognized that they’d always share the bond of being parents to a terrific kid.

      “I’m going to hang up and go on back to my assigned chores for the day. I want to have accomplished something by the time Godmother Grace returns with Jacqueline.” Though she did her best to mask it, the stress of having gone through the last few