Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

why is that?” Skulduggery asked.

      Sanguine got to his feet, both hands held open in front of him. “You keep those zombies from eatin’ people an’ they’re fine. They rot, an’ they smell, an’ they get dumber an’ dumber as they go on, but they do what they’re told. But you let ’em get one mouthful of human flesh, from a livin’ human, and they go native. The only thing on their minds right now is killin’ an’ eatin’ a whole lot of people. Now obviously, that was the threat I was plannin’ on usin’ against you, but I kind of figured I’d be well out of the way before any of this flesh-eatin’ actually took place.”

      “So you’re stuck in here,” Shudder said, “with us.”

      Sanguine tried a smile. “Ain’t it ironic?”

      

      hey’re coming closer,” Valkyrie said, backing away from the window.

      Skulduggery took his gun from its holster and looked at Shudder. “How many guests do you have here right now?”

      “Five,” he said, “all upstairs in their rooms.”

      “You should go tell them to prepare. Any of them who want to help us, they’re welcome. Anyone else should barricade their door.”

      Shudder nodded and disappeared up the stairs.

      There were hands on the window, pressing and knocking against the glass. Valkyrie saw a face, wide-eyed and uncomprehending. The zombie saw her and snarled. Skulduggery swept his hand slowly and the bookcase slid in front of the window.

      They turned the table on its side and laid it against the door in the reception area, then jammed the couch against it to hold it in place. The hotel didn’t have a back door, and there wasn’t much they could do to barricade every window on the ground floor except pull the curtains shut. At least now the zombies couldn’t see their movements. Shudder came down the stairs with a small, thin woman and a balding man.

      “We have two volunteers,” he said. “Mr Jib is an Elemental and Miss Nuncio is an Adept.”

      “Glad to have another Elemental in the mix,” Skulduggery said to them. “Miss Nuncio, what Adept discipline have you studied?”

      “Linguistics and etymology,” she said.

      Skulduggery paused. “Languages?”

      Miss Nuncio nodded. “I can speak every mortal language ever spoken.”

      “Well, pardon me,” Sanguine said, “but how in tarnation is that goin’ to help us fight off a pack of bloodthirsty zombies? You goin’ to throw dictionaries at ’em or just talk ’em to death?”

      “Mr Shudder said you could use all the help you could get,” Miss Nuncio said rather primly. “Just because I decided not to devote my life to the study of hurting people does not mean I can’t be useful.”

      “You’re a pacifist,” Sanguine groaned.

      “I’m a realist, sir. And if a pack of bloodthirsty zombies, as you put it, want to eat me, I will defend myself, you can be certain of that.”

      “Goin’ to get stuck in a zombie’s throat – that your big plan?”

      “Sanguine,” said Valkyrie, “shut up. You’re the only one down here who can’t use any magic, so you really can’t afford to dismiss those who can.”

      He looked at her. “I hate you.”

      A window broke. Then another. They moved into the common room. There were two windows in here. One was blocked by the bookcase, the other by nothing more than a curtain. A zombie was trying to crawl through the second one. They watched the curtain writhe like it was alive, and then it parted. The zombie was halfway through and it looked up. It growled and reached for them, so Skulduggery shot it.

      “Go for the head if you can,” he said. “Burning them works, but it takes a lot longer. Break their legs to slow them down. Don’t let them bite you.”

      “I’ve never fought zombies before,” Mr Jib said. “I’ve fought every other kind of creature, but not zombies. Always wanted to, though.”

      “Here at the Midnight Hotel,” Shudder said quietly, “we aim to please.”

      Two more zombies were struggling through the window and Skulduggery shot them both. The bookcase was shaking now. Another window broke, somewhere at the back of the hotel.

      “I’ll take care of it,” Shudder said grimly, and moved out of the common room. The hotel door was being given a pounding.

      Sanguine picked up a table and smashed it against a wall. He pulled one of the legs from the resulting mess and threw it to Miss Nuncio, who hefted it in both hands. The second leg he threw to Mr Jib, and the third he kept for himself.

      Glaring at Sanguine, Valkyrie clicked her fingers and summoned a flame. Sanguine muttered something and gave her the fourth leg.

      “Come on,” Mr Jib called to the zombies outside. “I don’t have all night.”

      “Don’t taunt the zombies,” Skulduggery said disapprovingly.

      Mr Jib laughed and moved up to the window. “These guys are harmless,” he said. “The stench’ll kill us faster than they will.”

      A hand reached in, closed around Mr Jib’s wrist, and he was jerked forward.

      “Hey, no, wait,” he said and then he was yanked out through the window before Skulduggery or Valkyrie could reach him. He didn’t even have time to scream.

      “Oh my God,” Miss Nuncio said.

      “Do you get many of your linguistics sorcerers eaten alive then?” Sanguine asked lazily.

      The hotel door burst open, shoving the sofa and the table back, and the zombies came spilling through.

      Skulduggery’s gun roared, again and again. Zombies stumbled and fell, and Skulduggery reloaded while Valkyrie hurled fireballs. A flaming zombie came stumbling and Valkyrie cracked the table leg against its head. It hit the ground and tried to get up, but the other zombies trampled over it.

      The bookcase toppled and Miss Nuncio was at the window, battering the zombies who were trying to crawl through. One got past Skulduggery and Valkyrie then charged at Sanguine. Sanguine cursed and lost the table leg, and the zombie pushed him back against the wall. Sanguine swung punches to no effect, then his hand closed around its throat. He pushed with all his strength, keeping those biting jaws away from him. He twisted and the zombie was forced up against the wall. The wall crumbled and its head sank through. Sanguine stepped away, leaving the puzzled zombie stuck there.

      Skulduggery was out of bullets. He dropped the revolver and curled his hands. The air closed around the nearest zombie and it froze, gurgling slightly, before Skulduggery swept his arms wide and its head flew from its body.

      Valkyrie punched a hole through a zombie’s chest with her shadows. It staggered forward and she ducked under it, bringing the shadows back and turning them sharp. They sliced through the zombie’s ankle and it toppled over. She hefted the table leg in both hands and used it like a baseball bat on the next one to get near. It stumbled over its fallen friend and knocked a third one down. They weren’t too bright, these zombies.

      A big zombie rushed her and wrapped its arms around her. Its mouth was on her shoulder, trying to bite through. The table leg fell from Valkyrie’s hand as she was taken off her feet and carried backwards. She hit the wall beside the door to the kitchen, and the big zombie tried to take a bite out of her