Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

yes, I know that, but just say I did drink one of them, which one would be worse for me? And he said the one in my left hand.”

      “But that’s the safe one,” Valkyrie said.

      “Sorry?”

      “You were saying left safe, right unsafe, just a moment ago.”

      “Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn’t the other way around?”

      “The left one is the safe one,” Skulduggery said. “That’s what you were chanting.”

      Clarabelle frowned. “I don’t really know my right hand from my left hand though.”

      Skulduggery pointed. “That’s your left hand.”

      “But this is the unsafe one.”

      “Are you sure?”

      “Practically. I’ll check.”

      Before they could stop her, Clarabelle sipped from the tube in her right hand. She sloshed it around in her mouth, swallowed and nodded. “Yes,” she said happily.

      “Was that the safe one?” Valkyrie asked.

      “No idea,” Clarabelle said and walked on.

      Kenspeckle Grouse hurried into the Emergency Room ahead of them. They walked in after him. He was brushing his white hair, his back to them. He saw them enter in the mirror he was using.

      “I don’t know why I bother,” he grumbled. “I never neaten my hair. I just move it around on my head.”

      “Hello, Professor,” Skulduggery said.

      “I heard you were back.” Kenspeckle turned. He was wearing slacks, a blazer and a yellow bow tie. “I said to myself, it’s only a matter of time before he arrives in here, Valkyrie beside him, with another injury for me to fix. What is it this time, Valkyrie? Broken arm?”

      “Just the hand.”

      “Oh, that’s much better,” he said scornfully. He picked a leaf from a bowl on the table and folded it. “Open,” he ordered. She opened her mouth and he popped it in. He examined her hand while she chewed and immediately the pain lessened. Pleasingly, it also blocked off another headache that was threatening to emerge.

      “We passed Clarabelle,” Skulduggery said. “She drank from one of the test tubes she was holding.”

      Kenspeckle’s head drooped. “That girl,” he said. “One of these days she’ll learn. I don’t know what she’ll learn, but she’ll learn and it will be a good day.”

      “Is she in any danger?”

      He started searching drawers. “Not really. Both tubes contain mineral water. You’d be astonished how many times I’ve given her water and told her it was something else and not to drink it. She always drinks it though. Always. It’s a compulsion.” He showed them a huge uneven bowl that looked like it was made in an idiot’s pottery class. “She made this for me, as a token of her appreciation for employing her when nobody else would.”

      “It’s nice,” Valkyrie lied. “Colourful.”

      “It was meant to be a mug,” Kenspeckle told her. “How big does she think my mouth is? I could fit my whole head in there, for God’s sake. It doesn’t even have a handle. And look at this.” He put the bowl on the table and it tilted drastically. “It’s so off balance it’s in danger of falling off a flat surface.”

      He poured various liquids and powders into the bowl and checked his watch.

      Valkyrie frowned. “Are you going out?” she asked.

      Kenspeckle started stirring. The bowl rocked rhythmically. “I am.”

      “You’re all dressed up. You never get dressed up. Are you …? Do you have a date?”

      “Why do you sound so surprised? Because I’m old, is that it? Because I’m an old man and old people shouldn’t go out on dates? Because we don’t need love or companionship, and we don’t get lonely? Is that it? Is that why you’re so surprised I have a date?”

      “No,” she said. “It’s because you’re really grumpy.”

      “Ah. Yes. I am rather grumpy. But what can I say? Some women like that.”

      “What women?”

      “Women with low expectations.”

      “So you have a date now? It’s not even lunchtime. Where are you going?”

      “Bingo.”

      “Bingo?”

      “Bingo. Everyone’s playing it apparently.” He motioned Valkyrie over and nodded to the bowl, which was now full of brown sludge. “Put your hand in,” he said.

      She did so. It was cold and gritty sludge.

      “Keep it there for three or four minutes, until the tingling stops. Do not flex your fingers, do you hear me? Once you’re done, wash your hand in the sink. And wash it well – I don’t want you ruining the towel. There will be some mild bruising, but by this afternoon you won’t even know it was broken.”

      “You’re going?”

      “I have a date, Valkyrie.”

      “Right. Yes. Sorry. You go on, I’ll be fine.”

      “Your medical opinion means so much to me, you have no idea. Detective Pleasant, please make sure she doesn’t break anything else while she’s standing there.”

      “I’ll do my best.”

      “That’s all I can ask.”

      He bowed to them both and swept from the room.

      “He’s in a good mood,” she said.

      “He is,” Skulduggery agreed. “It’s disconcerting.”

      “And a little gross.”

      “That too.”

      Her phone rang and she answered with her free hand. It was Fletcher. She told him where they were and Fletcher said he was going to get Tanith. A minute later Fletcher and Tanith appeared beside them.

      Tanith arched an eyebrow at Valkyrie’s sludge-covered hand that she was washing in the sink. “What happened?”

      “Vampires,” Valkyrie said. “We learned that Dusk’s lair is a castle.”

      “How did you do?” Skulduggery asked.

      “I couldn’t find Remus Crux anywhere near Haggard,” Tanith told them, “and none of the seals had been broken, so he hasn’t been trying to break through.”

      “Myself and Ghastly went looking for friends of Sanguine,” said Fletcher. “Turns out he doesn’t have any. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

      “So our only lead is a castle,” Skulduggery said. “Well, at least it is a lead.”

      Then they heard Clarabelle shouting for help. She ran in.

      “They’ve taken the Professor!” she cried.

      Valkyrie and Tanith gripped Fletcher’s arms and Skulduggery put a hand on his shoulder.

      “Outside, Fletcher,” he said and then they were standing in the rain beside the Bentley as Billy-Ray Sanguine threw Kenspeckle into the back of his car.

      Something moved overhead and Skulduggery grunted and went flying over the bonnet of the Bentley. A man landed in front of them and immediately flipped, catching Tanith with a kick that sent her crashing back into Fletcher.

      Springheeled Jack whirled to Valkyrie, smiling. He doffed his hat and leaped backwards when she pushed at the air. He dropped on to the top of Sanguine’s car and slid in through the open