The Guestbook at Willow Cottage. Holly Martin

UP S**T CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE.

      THANKFULLY SOME LOVELY GERMANS CAME TO OUR RESCUE AND TOWED US BACK TO WHERE WE LEFT THE CAR. THEY DIDN’T SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH, OR AT LEAST WERE NOT WILLING TO. THOUGH I DIDN’T NEED TO BE FLUENT IN GERMAN TO KNOW THEY WERE TAKING THE PISS OUT OF US ALL THE WAY BACK.

      JAKE

      Tuesday:

      Hi Rosie, it was lovely to meet you too. I’m more than happy to come round with homemade lemon drizzle cake if that’s what you were expecting. I don’t have half-moon glasses but I can wear my reading glasses if that will work. As for the ghost, I was always cast as the angel in the school plays, being a ghost would have been much more exciting.

      Mr Butterworth - Ha, Nick would have hated been called that - died two years ago so he won’t be joining us for dinner. If the weather stays fine how about you two join me for a barbeque tomorrow night?

      Let me know if you want some eggs, Suzie and Doris, the chickens, are laying them faster than I can collect them.

      Annie.

      Annie, I’m so sorry, I really need to engage my brain before I speak. I’m such a nosy cow. I just assumed that as you were Mrs Butterworth that he was still around. I’m sorry.

      Rosie

      Rosie, I just saw Jake, he said you wanted some eggs so I’m just popping them in the fridge. Please don’t worry. I’m not in the least bit upset or offended by you asking where Nick is. It’s been two years and though I miss him terribly, I really don’t mind talking about him.

      ANNIE, A BARBEQUE WILL BE LOVELY. WE ARE TAKING A BOAT OUT TO BLAKENEY POINT TO SEE THE SEALS TOMORROW AND THEN GOING FOR A DRIVE DOWN THE COAST. I IMAGINE WE’LL BE BACK AROUND SEVEN. I’LL BRING BURGERS AND CHICKEN, THAT’S IF SUZIE AND DORIS WON’T MIND.

      JAKE

      Wednesday:

      We went out to see the seals today. It was amazing; we got so close to them. Jake took some fantastic pictures, but he was always good with a camera. Many of them were swimming around the boat as curious about us as we were about them. Off to a barbeque round Annie’s now, hopefully I won’t put my foot in my mouth again.

      Rosie

      WATCHING ROSIE GET SO EXCITED ABOUT THE SEALS TODAY, I THINK I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER A LITTLE BIT MORE.

      Thursday:

      My head hurts.

      Annie is quite possibly one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my entire life. I didn’t stop laughing all night. She looks so sweet and innocent in her pretty flowery dress and huge Jesus sandals, looks like she goes to church every Sunday and probably sings in the choir. So it comes as a bit of a shock when the stories she comes out with are so funny and sometimes even filthy.

      We must have polished off at least two bottles of wine and too many bottles of cider to count between us. That cider was potent, some obscure local variety I think. By the end of the night Jake was a mess and I was even messier. Annie, however, looked as fresh as a daisy.

      Did I put my foot in it? Yes probably about a hundred times. I felt like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers when the Germans came; ‘Whatever you do, don’t mention the war.’ I just couldn’t stop mentioning her husband, death or funerals. Luckily Annie saw the funny side.

      I WAS NOT A MESS, AT LEAST I DIDN’T THROW UP IN MY SHOE THIS MORNING. GREAT NIGHT ANNIE, THANKS FOR THE AMAZING CIDER, WE NEED TO GET HOLD OF A FEW BOTTLES BEFORE WE LEAVE.

      JAKE

      Just popped in to change the light bulb in the bathroom. I’m definitely getting a change of wardrobe after that lacklustre description ;-). I don’t go to church apart from weddings, christenings and funerals. Oh no, I mentioned the funeral word!!! I can assure you I wasn’t feeling as fresh as a daisy this morning, my tongue felt drier than Ghandi’s flip-flop. I’ll get you some of the cider to take back with you.

      Friday:

      After recovering from our excessive hangover yesterday we spent the day in the garden reading. Jake wears his big glasses when he reads, he thinks it makes him look clever, but he looks more like a nerd. A loveable nerd though. He was reading some big tome on codes used in WW2. Geek! Another day on the beach today. Wells-next-the-Sea really is the loveliest place in the world, the beaches are spectacular.

      GEEK? NERD? HOW DARE YOU. BESIDES I DON’T THINK I LOOK CLEVER I KNOW I AM CLEVER. NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT I FELL ASLEEP FOUR TIMES READING THE CODE BOOK. IT WAS THE HANGOVER THAT WAS HAVING AN ADVERSE EFFECT ON ME. ANYWAY, WHAT WERE YOU READING, THE THIRD BOOK IN THE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TRILOGY WASN’T IT? PERVERT.

      I’ll have you know the Fifty Shades Trilogy has a very good storyline. And yes you are a complete geek and a nerd but I still love you.

      Saturday:

      Annie we have had the best time. We are going to come again soon. We don’t live that far away so we’re going to drive down when you have some free weekends.

      YES, I CAME HERE FOR A QUIET WEEK AWAY AFTER ALL THE STRESS OF THE WEDDING, BUT WE’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO BE COMING BACK ON A REGULAR BASIS. WILLOW COTTAGE IS BEAUTIFUL. THANKS SO MUCH FOR MAKING US SO WELCOME.

      **********

      8th - 14th March

      Oliver Butterworth. Black

      Saturday:

      I’m here to kill someone and I’m not leaving until I’ve done it.

      Oliver Black

      Sunday:

      I’m thinking of using a scythe, with a jagged serrated edge. Though I don’t want my victim to die too quickly, it needs to be slow and painful, it needs to be bloody. I want her to see her blood drain out of her, slowly, agonizingly feel her life force ebb away. I want her to beg for her salvation. I want that tough hard exterior to crumble in the last pitiful minutes of her pathetic life. I want to see her cry.

      My best laid plans continue to go awry. As devious as I am in trying to catch my prey, she is as cunning at evading me. I almost respect her for it. Almost.

      Oh Olly, you do make me laugh. It’s good to have you back. You do realise how this will look don’t you, or is that your intention? I’ll have the police on me for harbouring a criminal. If they come for me, I’m taking you down with me. There’s no honour amongst thieves.

      Annie x

      Careful Annie, or I may have to kill you.

      Oh please do, I’ve been begging you to kill me off for years. The bloodier and messier the better. Could you chop off my head and tear out my innards? Could you gouge out my eyes and keep them about your person as a memento? You could have a whole box of eyes left over from your victims. Oh and could you write some message on the walls using my blood? My brain could be the full stop. I’d love that.

      I bet you would you sicko. Now leave me alone. I came here for some peace and solitude, not to be bothered every five minutes by the dodgy landlady next door. If you disturb me again I really will consider ripping out your heart and letting you watch as it beats feebly in my bloody hands.

      Promises, promises. Come for dinner tonight, don’t shut yourself away for the whole week, I’ve missed you. If you come I promise to be good and quiet for at least a day.

      Right, that’s it, you’re in for it now. I need a big knife.

      I have one. You’re welcome to come round and borrow it.

      Monday:

      After dinner with my sister-in-law I feel much better about the murder. We talked things through and she gave me some great ideas on how to commit the perfect crime. I now know how I’m going to dispose