Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant. Derek Landy

he knows you,” Valkyrie continued. “He knows how treacherous you are, and he’s told me how you never keep your side of a bargain, and how you always double-cross …”

      Liam frowned. “So?”

      “So smile, goblin. Skulduggery Pleasant has been here all along, and tonight’s the night when he gets to kick your green and wrinkly little—”

      There was a crash on the roof above them and the rotten wood splintered and gave, and Skulduggery fell through and hit the ground with his face.

      “Oh my God,” he muttered as he lay there. “Oh my God, that hurt.”

      Valkyrie hesitated. No one made a move, and no one made a sound. Even the babies had stopped gurgling. The goblins grinned. Valkyrie chewed her lip.

      “This is … slightly unexpected,” she said.

      Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeleton detective, his blue suit ripped and streaked with dirt, rolled on to his back and groaned. If his skull had features, they would surely be twisted in pain. “Don’t move,” he managed to say. “You’re all under arrest.”

      The goblins laughed.

      “You think you’re the only one with back-up?” Liam grinned at Valkyrie. “You think you’re the only one with a surprise?”

      Valkyrie glared at him. “So who’ve you got out there? More of your little buddies? Some assassins? Couple of monsters, maybe? Because I have to tell you, we’ve faced them all, and we keep winning.”

      “No assassins,” Liam said. “No monsters. Just Peg.”

      “Who’s Peg?”

      Liam sneered. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met our sister, have you? Peg’ll be the one who threw your friend there through the roof. Peg!”

      A massive shape filled the doorway, and Peg the Ugly Goblin stepped in. She was twice Valkyrie’s height, and had legs as wide as tree trunks, and arms as wide as her legs. Her body was a solid slab of meat, clothed in what appeared to be a half dozen grimy wedding dresses sewn together, and her hair hung long and lank over her face.

      Skulduggery got unsteadily to his feet. “Don’t worry,” he told Valkyrie. “I have her on the ropes now.”

      “She threw you over a church,” Valkyrie pointed out.

      For a moment he was silent. And then he said, “Not all the way over.”

      “Skuluggy,” Peg moaned. “Oo uv me.”

      Valkyrie frowned. “Did she just say what I think she said?”

      Skulduggery shook his head quickly. “No.”

      Peg took another few steps inside. Her brothers cackled and let her pass.

      “Skuluggy,” Peg moaned again. “I uv oo.”

      Skulduggery glanced at Valkyrie. “OK. She may have a thing for me.”

      “She loves you?”

      “Well, yes, but I assure you, it’s very unrequited.”

      Liam grinned. “Weren’t expecting this, were you, Mr Detective? Probably thought, once a mountain fell on her, you’d seen the last of our sister, eh?”

      “To be honest,” Skulduggery said, “yes.”

      “She’s tougher than she looks,” Fintan said.

      “Now that’s an achievement,” Skulduggery murmured.

      Peg stood there, a wall in a wedding dress, and held her arms out. A swollen tongue dragged itself over her cracked lips, and she struggled to form her next word.

      “Kiss,” she said.

      Valkyrie arched an eyebrow. Skulduggery nodded, more to himself than anybody else.

      “I’m going to have to let her down gently,” he said, and ran forward and leaped, slamming both feet into Peg’s belly. She roared in anger and swiped at him and he dodged, kicking at the back of her knee. She barely noticed.

      The three brothers were coming for Valkyrie. She clicked the fingers of her right hand and made a spark, then caught the spark and cultivated it into a flame that burned in her hand.

      Fintan was closest. She reached out with her left hand, feeling the air against her skin. He ran at her and she felt the space between them, felt how it connected, and when she found the right spot she splayed her hand and snapped her palm and the air rippled and hit Fintan like a truck. He flew back and smacked into the church wall.

      The fire in her other hand was burning fiercely and she threw it. The fireball hit Colm’s ragged coat and he shrieked and stumbled back, tearing it off. He raised his head to see her running straight at him, but couldn’t do anything to stop the elbow that smashed into his jaw. He spun around, then tipped over backwards and didn’t get up.

      Liam rushed her and she tried to move but she wasn’t fast enough. She was taken off her feet and slammed into the ground, Liam’s hands at her throat, trying to throttle her.

      Behind him, she saw Peg strike Skulduggery. He hurtled into the shadows.

      Valkyrie tried breaking Liam’s grip, but his fingers were short and thick and she couldn’t pry them loose. She grabbed his wrist and twisted, but he was too strong. His fingers dug into her throat and black spots flashed in her vision, her head swimming. She brought her hands in, felt the air between herself and the goblin, but Liam scuttled up, knelt on her left hand and pinned it to the ground. He took one hand from her throat and held her right wrist away from him.

      “Try your little tricks now,” he snarled, his foul breath hot on her cheek.

      Blood pulsed through her temples. Her lungs burned, and although her struggles were getting more frantic, she could feel herself growing weaker.

      Spittle dripped from Liam’s lips on to her face. Her muscles ached and her body was tired, and darkness seeped into her vision. She couldn’t hear anything over the beating of her own heart.

      Liam was kneeling on her left hand. His right knee was pressed into her belly, leaving her legs to kick uselessly behind him.

      She brought her legs in, bent them, the soles of her boots flat to the ground. With the last ounce of her strength, Valkyrie lifted her backside off the church floor. Liam lurched forward a little and laughed.

      “Think that’ll do it? I’ve tamed wild horses, little girl, and they buck a lot harder than you.”

      Valkyrie took her right foot off the ground. She could feel the air on her face, on her hands, on her exposed skin. Now she struggled to feel the air through her boot. It was possible. She knew it was.

      And as her consciousness ebbed, she thought she felt it, a slight resistance, and that’s all she needed. She stepped on the air and it shimmered, and Valkyrie’s body flipped over backwards, and the goblin screeched as he was catapulted away.

      Valkyrie landed on her belly and gasped, sucked in breath hungrily. Tears had sprung to her eyes and she wiped them away, in time to see Skulduggery reach out a hand. A large piece of rubble lifted off the ground. Skulduggery made circular motions and the piece of rubble started to move. Faster and faster it went, in an ever-increasing circle.

      The piece of rubble slammed into Peg’s jaw and before she could even growl, it had made its way around and slammed into her jaw again. It struck her repeatedly until Skulduggery’s hand stiffened, and the piece of rubble hurtled into Peg’s face and shattered.

      Peg fell back to a sitting position. She held a huge hand to the side of her face and moaned.

      Valkyrie stood, and saw Liam. He was on his feet and sneaking towards the babies.

      She ran at him and he snarled. She ducked under a punch and he twisted to get at her again. His fist swung and she blocked but her