Not What They Were Expecting. Neal Doran

be,’ chuckled Howard. ‘Maggie was saying we should move to India and we’d be ruling the roost.’

      James stood behind Rebecca. She was ignoring him, but not in a way that would make it obvious to their parents in the room. Or even to him.

      ‘We’re just jealous of you,’ said Penny to Rebecca, ‘getting to become a mum for the first time.’

      ‘You’re going to have a wonderful experience. Very energising except when you’re exhausted. Your body can do the most amazing things,’ said Margaret.

      ‘Although I’m not sure I’d want to go through birth again,’ said Penny, ‘but it’s probably different these days.’

      ‘We don’t have to worry about that stuff too much do we, James, eh?’ said Howard. ‘Thank goodness. What’s that thing they say? About it being like squeezing a watermelon out of the old John Thomas? Excuse the language…’

      ‘If you’d seen the size of James’s head when he was born – and that I came out if it with barely a centimetre tear – you’d understand how the human body creates its own miracles every day,’ continued Margaret.

      James put the word ‘tear’ in the context of what they were talking about. Looking at Rebecca, he tried to ascertain silently that they weren’t really talking about what he thought they were talking about. And also if what was being talked about really was what he didn’t want to even think about ever being talked about, could she do something to just stop it? Rebecca looked back at him with a shrug that said yep, we’re talking about precisely what you’re thinking about. And this is what happens – deal with it.

      ‘Nothing miraculous about Becky,’ said Penny. ‘I got to know about every junior doctor in the hospital the way my stitches kept popping’.

      James bit down on the end of his thumb and tried not to hear what was being said.

      ‘You had that blow-up rubber ring to sit on didn’t you? I gave it to the kids when they were older for the paddling pool,’ said Howard.

      Even Howard’s joining in? thought James. This conversation cannot get any more painful.

      ‘Of course the labial massages Ben gave me every day throughout the pregnancy helped with that,’ said Margaret.

      A sound emerged from James, that was somewhere between a squeal and a whimper. Meanwhile Howard gave Ben a quizzical look. Ben, as usual, wasn’t really paying attention.

      ‘On that lovely thought, I think it’s probably we time we hit the road,’ said James. ‘Not that it’s reminded me of anything I have to do, just…well, just I need to go and wash out my ears with corrosive acid.’