All That Is Left Of Us. Catherine Miller

Roast beef if her sense of smell was anything to go by. That was one bonus of her current status. Most of the time it was her cooking their Sunday roasts while Archie saw to his pet, Norman the tarantula. It was always David and Rebekah coming to their flat, but the more pregnant she became, the more they realised she needed a rest rather than cooking dinner for all four of them. So, with gentle persuasion, Archie had allowed a change of venue until the baby arrived.

      ‘The nursery is finished now. Do you want to come and see?’

      Archie wouldn’t be interested, so Dawn sent him off to be entertained by Uncle David while she followed Rebekah up the stairs. The house was semi-detached with four bedrooms, so they had ample space for an extra addition. The house was pristine and in every empty corner there seemed to be a sense of waiting. Wanting, even.

      ‘We’re pretty much finished. Obviously Junior will be in with us at first, but I’ve got a fold-out bed for the nursery if I need it for when David goes back to work.’

      In the nursery everything was perfect. They’d gone with a jungle theme so it was stone-coloured walls with those clever stickers that meant colour was added in moments. There were giraffes and lions and everything matched. The curtain material, the bed lining, even the nappy bin, were adorned with a sticker to fit in with the rest of the furniture.

      It wasn’t anything like how it had been when Archie arrived. After securing the flat, it was David who’d sourced all the second-hand furniture and non-matching fittings. It was flung together rather than planned like this space was.

      Dawn wanted to look in the wardrobe. She wanted to admire the tiny neutral outfits she knew were waiting in there, but just seeing the room was enough to know this child was so wanted and would be so loved.

      It was nice to see that, now the day was nearly upon them, they were starting to embrace the idea of parenthood being only a few steps away. And it was hard to see how much better off this little one would be compared to all the second-hand stuff she’d always needed to get Archie. But then this wasn’t just about fulfilling Rebekah and David’s dream; it was also giving her the chance to achieve her own. With the maternity leave she was entitled to, she would have the opportunity to turn her artistic skills into a more practical job. Her artwork had been spotted by the local tattoo artist and he’d offered her an unpaid apprenticeship, one she never thought she would be able to take advantage of. But for once in life the planets seemed to have aligned, and helping out her brother was allowing her the chance to do the training. She was hoping to bolster her TA wage with some extra part-time work once she was finished. If it all worked out well, hopefully, in the end, it would provide a better future for her son. She just needed to work out if it was the right thing for her.

Chapter 5

      When the time came it was too soon. Not in the sense the baby was early; it was just Dawn wasn’t ready. She’d always known the baby wasn’t hers, but that didn’t make the fact that goodbye had arrived any easier. Her hospital bag might be packed, but there was no Moses basket set up to welcome the baby to her home. It might have been wrong, but she let another wave of contractions go by with her mobile phone still gripped in her hand. She needed to call Rebekah and David to let them know the time had come, but for now she wanted to take a moment. Right now, the baby was hers. This connection they’d shared was still real. It still existed and Dawn wanted to embrace it for a moment longer without anyone else knowing.

      As soon as she made the call it would signal goodbye to this intimacy they’d shared. There’d be no more quiet moments when she would caress her bump or enjoy a flutter of movement. In theory, the baby remained hers until the umbilical cord was cut, but this whole process was for the benefit of her brother and sister-in-law and, as soon as she rang them, there would be no more moments like this. It was hard to admit she was more attached than she ever thought she would be.

      ‘Arghh.’ Dawn let out a yelp. This contraction was stronger than the last, Mother Nature moving the process forward even when she was willing her to give them a little more time together. It was a good job Archie was at school so he didn’t have to worry about why his mother was writhing around in agony.

      Mid-contraction, Dawn managed to tap out a text to her brother: Baby time!! It seemed the most inadequate way to let him know he was soon to become a father, but currently she was not able to form sentences, so it would have to do.

      After that, she let Jane know so she would look after Archie for her. By the time all three of them arrived at the hospital, Dawn was at the point where she wasn't able to walk comfortably so she was wheeled in at speed.

      ‘What can I do for you?’ Rebekah asked as they were deposited into one of the labour rooms.

      It was a simple enough question, but at this point in time it made Dawn want to cry. It signified the end of her journey as mother to this nearly newborn. ‘Go and find a midwife. Tell her I need some pain relief.’

      ‘I’ll go ask,’ David said. He was hovering by the doorway, not quite banned from the room yet.

      ‘Anything else?’ Rebekah asked, her smoky-blue eyes full of panic.

      She was too close for Dawn’s liking. So, not wanting to actually ask her to back off, she got up from the chair and paced around the room, hoping to speed this part up. Another contraction stopped her in her tracks so she leant her hands on the bed, breathing through the pain that was overtaking her ability to function.

      ‘Can I rub your back? Will that help?’ Rebekah hovered over Dawn once more. She was only trying to be helpful. This was her labour. The one she’d never successfully reached herself.

      Dawn shook her head. ‘No, it’s easing off now.’ She straightened up and started pacing again. ‘I’d just like to know how far dilated I am. Hopefully it won’t be too long and you’ll meet your little fella.’

      Rebekah stopped shadowing Dawn, staying still for the first time since they’d arrived. ‘It’s a boy?’

      The pain started to ramp up again and Dawn wasn’t able to dig herself out of the hole she’d dug. She hadn’t meant to let slip the fact she thought she knew the sex of the baby. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’ Another contraction took hold.

      ‘So it’s just a guess? You don’t know for sure?’

      Dawn was tempted to take up the offer of a back rub by way of diversion. She didn’t want to spoil the surprise. After all, she might not be right about what she thought she’d seen when they’d scanned all those weeks ago.

      ‘No, it’s just an instinct. A sixth sense. Don’t ask me why. I’ve just always thought it was a boy.’

      ‘Mother’s instinct.’ There was a sadness in Rebekah’s voice that made Dawn worry. This should be a day of jubilation for them, not one where she counted her inadequacies.

      ‘You’re the only one becoming a mother today and those instincts will kick in as soon as you have this baby in your arms.’ Dawn wasn’t sure if those facts needed pointing out, but certainly it wasn’t a time for Rebekah to go melancholic over not being the one in labour.

      ‘I know. I’ve waited a very long time for today. I just can’t believe it’s finally here. Somehow it doesn’t feel real.’

      ‘Oh, it’s real all right. And it fucking hurts. I can start squeezing your hand if that will help bring it home that you’re not dreaming.’

      ‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’

      Dawn smiled at Rebekah’s eagerness to get it right. It was like some kind of extreme first date. ‘Not yet. Maybe later.’

      ‘I’m glad it’s a boy. I always wanted to know beforehand. It was David that didn’t. I think, by keeping the baby as neutral, there was less chance of getting hurt. It’s been so hard to believe we’d get this far even with you being surrogate. We never thought we’d get to this day.’

      Dawn understood that caution.