LEARN TO LOVE. Ann Yang

if a man is interested in you, he looks at you more often and for longer periods of time. However, if your man is smart, he can control himself. Then he deliberately won’t look at you. Or he will take a rapid glance. Here is one more sign: if a man likes a woman, he will try to be close to her, for example, sit near her. He will find any excuse to do so. In my opinion the most accurate sign though is his joy when he sees you. Any woman can sense this joy, but she often mistakes it for friendliness.

      Question 4. He has disappeared. What am I to do?

      «I met John last summer. During that fall he wrote five love letters to me. And then nothing since the beginning of winter. I am going crazy. It is February now. Maybe he has the flu. I am going to visit him because he will die without me. Kate.»

      Answer. Certainly, Kate, go visit him! Smart people learn from their own mistakes. Wise people learn from other people’s mistakes. Fools think that they live without mistakes. When I was young and innocent, at the age of 17 I fell in love with your typical «John». I fell in love with his guitar when he played the Beatles, his long hair, jeans and red socks. It was supposed to be our third date and he never came. His friend told me that John had the flu. And I ran to him. I felt that my actions were not smart, but I didn’t have time to think about it. He is sick! He is unwell! With the remaining part of my brain I decided that I would only ring the door bell, give him a bouquet of some flowers and leave. I thought that it wouldn’t be obtrusive but quite the opposite. It ended up being obtrusive.

      Pale and weak John opened the door. He didn’t really care about my flowers, but invited me to come in. The remaining part of my brain simply disappeared and I did come in. Some other guy was visiting John. The three of us didn’t have anything to talk about. So we were sitting silently. The other guy was waiting for me to leave, and I was waiting for him to leave. It lasted for an hour. I became the girl who was not fun (but in reality I am a lot of fun). I realized this and finally left. Apparently John remembered me as a boring girl, because he never asked me out again.

      Question 5. He writes to me, but he doesn’t offer to meet

      I am 54 and I want to get married (this would be my second marriage). So I am trying to find somebody online. Last May a met a French man online. We still talk a lot on Skype and write to each other. I feel something electric toward him. Moreover, I have never heard love confessions like his. He often writes that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is ready to talk to me on Skype every evening. I told him that if he wasn’t ready to come visit me, then our relationship wouldn’t have any future. He promised to solve this within two months.

      Two months later I started the conversation again. He immediately became agitated. He said that he would be able to take time off only in February and booked tickets to come. On the one hand, I am afraid that closer to February something will happen and he won’t come. So I have been waiting in vain. On the other hand, he means a lot to me. I would like to continue our relationship. I am afraid to issue an ultimatum – either you come, or we will break up. Our communication is virtual. As of right now, nobody is obliged to do anything. What would you advise in this situation?

      Answer. I recommend to stop thinking about this man. Don’t make up this love story with a man whom you’ve never seen before and whose behavior is a little strange. Calm down and start dating. You don’t have any strength to start a new relationship because of all your thoughts are about this French man and possible marriage. Is he as faithful as you are? Think of him as one of many pleasant men. If he comes, it will be nice. But let him initiate this visit without any promises from your side.

      Question 6. How to attract his attention?

      There is this guy in the night club I often go to. I like this guy a lot. He works there. He is a dancer. We have many common friends. That is how we met. I can’t watch him impassively when he is on stage. Sometimes we dance together, but only when I invite him. I confessed to him that I liked him a lot. After that he hardly notices me, but we still communicate. By the way, I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I need your advice. What should I do?

      Answer. Oh, you got in a stupid situation that has only one way out. I am going to tell you what this way out, but you are not going to listen to me, are you? You are going to continue to follow this guy until he sleeps with you one day. And then he is going to do everything not to see you. Before it happens, I advise to stop going places where he hangs out. If he notices your absence, he will find you through your friends. If he doesn’t find you, stop by his work in three months, not earlier. During these three months read some books and learn to talk to men in a different way, like a queen.

      It is likely that he will fall for you – the queen! If he doesn’t show any interest in you even then, stop going there at all. Of course, you are not going to listen to me. What I am suggesting is very difficult to do. However, maybe other girls will read this and use my advice. Maybe this letter from Kristen, who changed her attitude toward men, will help you: «Now I don’t call him first, unless he asks me to call him. When I offer to do something and he refuses, I don’t get upset like I used to. I try not to place much emphasis on it. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. It is his right. I try not to fight and not to get jealous. And what now? Now he calls me many times a day. He tries to talk for a long time. And I make our conversations shorter. I was the one who asked for kisses, now he does. So I do the opposite from what I used to do. I don’t express any initiative. I feel that he needs me. He doesn’t talk about love much. He says that his actions show his love (he pays for me, he always walks me home, he calls first, he goes to different events with me). I don’t talk about love first. I also show it with my actions. I cook for him and I take care of him. Just like he takes care of me.»

      Chapter 3. How to make him fall in love with me?

      To make a man fall in love is pretty easy: don’t be afraid of him and make your communication with him freer. The main obstacle is the fear that he might think something bad about you. Nature made it this way that males chase females. Even though a rooster is the only guy in a chicken coop and even if he looks awesome, he still chases a hen to mount her. Not one hen, no matter how dumb it is, will run after a rooster to mount him. Despite the fact that they are the nature’s supreme creations, girls often act sillier than hens. A guy will simply get scared (I know this because I’ve asked many of them) if a girl starts chasing him. Just like any rooster he will think: «Something is wrong with this hen… she is crazy!» They think this way, because guys are also created by nature. If a man takes two steps toward you, you should take only one (and don’t rush to him). Also, don’t forget to take two steps back later. If you chase him, he can’t chase you. He can only run away. If there is a «chaser», there is also a «chase». «I can’t live without you» is something that a person who has given up would say. Act on the principle: «I can live without you!» If you become the one who chases, nature will tell him what to do. This message will be louder than the one from his feelings and reason. A man wants to be where it feels good. Remember about it when you find a husband. This is the only way not to lose him. Take a closer look at a man. Can he rain on the parade of those around him? Can he be boring, sad, or irritated? If yes, can he change himself? Or maybe his motto is: «Accept me the way I am». Then nothing particularly good will happen here. Don’t rush. Let him prove that he can and wants to be better – for you, for your peace and your happiness.

      In any relationship always ask yourself: «Who is chasing whom?» If you want to be happy, learn to run away and not to chase. The most beneficial behavior is when you act according to the following idea: “It is nice with you, but it is also nice without you!” When a man senses that he has been moved from the first place to the tenth place, he will want to understand the reason. All of our excuses – «I forgot your address» or «I lost your phone number» – will not work. If a man wants to be with a woman he loves, he will force his way through to that woman. The bottom line is that you should learn to live so that you are interesting to yourself. Then you will be interesting to other people around you. Just think about how many princesses lost their princes whispering: «I can’t live without you.» You should whisper: «I can live without you.»

      A man is designed by nature to chase, and you need to ensure that he has this opportunity. Smile but be the first one to look away. Be the first one to say good-bye and leave.