Dracula Is a Racist:. Matt Melvin

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      Count von Count

      Count von Count—or the Count, as he’s more commonly referred to—currently lives on Sesame Street. With a name like Count von Count, it’s no coincidence that he really enjoys counting. To say he just enjoys it, though, is a significant understatement. Simply counting to three causes him to erupt in maniacal, boisterous laughter.

      This seemingly innocent fondness of counting is actually a side effect of a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD usually causes sufferers to perform various actions a specific number of times to prevent some alleged event or situation from occurring, but the Count suffers from a very specific type of OCD known as arithmomania. Sufferers of arithmomania feel compelled to obsessively and meticulously count their actions or objects in their surroundings. The castle the count lives in, for example, is home to a large number of bats that the count often feels subconsciously obligated to count.

      Aside from just being weird, this disorder also causes the Count an immense amount of trouble when it comes to hunting for fresh blood. He often finds himself distracted by his surroundings, causing him to stop the pursuit of his would be victims to count various objects. For instance, during his pursuit of the Cookie Monster, the count stumbled upon the Cookie Monster’s vast supply of cookies. And when sneaking up on Oscar the Grouch, the count was bombarded with the immense amount of fleas crawling around on his furry body.

      The Count’s arithmomania is so severe that if he hasn’t counted anything after a certain amount of time, he’ll feel the need to do so even if there is nothing around to count. “When I’m alone, I count myself. One count!” You sad, sad man. Luckily for the count, he has quite a way with women, so loneliness isn’t much of a problem.

      The Count used to share his castle with his former girlfriend, Countess von Backwards. They shared a common “interest” in counting. Von Backwards had a sort of reverse arithmomania, in that she felt the need to count just as the Count did but done backwards. In order to do this, though, she would have to know the total of what she was counting beforehand. So she already knew the number but still felt compelled to count—a sign of an even more severe case of arithmomania than the Count’s.

      Von Backwards and the Count’s relationship began to sour over the years, the turning point coming from the introduction of Countess Dahling von Dahling. Von Dahling looked remarkably similar to von Backwards: same general hairstyle, physique, and cute little puppet mouth. The Count was immediately intrigued.

      Being the only count on all of Sesame Street, it wasn’t hard to attract both countesses. Convincing both to participate in a threesome proved to be much more difficult.⁴ The threesome eventually happened, but it solidified von Backwards’s worries that the relationship was over, resulting in her leaving the Count soon after. The Count is currently dating von Dahling, who has since moved into his castle with him.

      Vampires > Zombies: The Fabulous Life

      There are so many famous vampires! They’re like the rock stars of the monster world. Without even reading this book, I bet you could ask anybody and that person would be able to tell you at least one of their names. Are there any famous zombies, though? Nope. Losers.

      Grandpa and Lily Munster

      Lily Munster and her father, aptly named Grandpa, are part of the classic American sitcom family, The Munsters, which includes Lily’s husband, Herman; son, Eddie; and niece, Marilyn. Although the family considered themselves to be a typical middle-class family, they definitely stood out in their community. A creepy castlelike mansion and Gothic-styled car in a suburban neighborhood really stand out. Not to mention their fire breathing T-rex they kept as a pet under the staircase. Marilyn, the only normal one in the family, was the only one who found it easy to fit in. It was difficult for everyone else, though, since they were all monsters of some sort.

      This brings up an interesting point: Lily, a vampire, and Herman, a Frankenstein monster, had a son, Eddie, who was a werewolf. How does that work? Is this the first subtle reference of adultery (possibly even bestiality) to make its way onto broadcast television?

      The family, who immigrated to the United States in search of a better life, has warmed our hearts with their goofy antics and charming attempts to integrate into society. Regardless of two of them being blood-sucking vampires, I think we can all agree they were much nicer than those snobby jerks in The Addams Family.

      Count Duckula

      First appearing to a wide audience in the British animated TV show DangerMouse, Count Duckula is the first and only vampire duck in existence and one of DangerMouse’s many sworn enemies.

      DangerMouse, who is indeed a mouse, is the greatest secret agent in the world. He is best known for his fashionable eyepatch, which he actually has no need to wear. He simply enjoys experiencing bad depth perception. DangerMouse is aided by his sidekick, Ernest Penfold, a cowardly and timid hamster who wears glasses and a blue business suit.

      Like all of DangerMouse’s enemies, Count Duckula held a severe resentment for the rodent superspy. Duckula’s hatred was unique, though. For as long as he could remember, Duckula was absolutely obsessed with show business. He was desperate to have his own show. Being a supporting character on DangerMouse’s show made him incredibly envious.

      Much to his surprise, seven years after DangerMouse premiered, Count Duckula was given his very own show in the form of a spin-off series. The series featured a slew of characters, almost all of which were anthropomorphized birds. Like any good vampire, Duckula had his own Van Helsing antagonist character, Dr. Von Goosewing. Duckula was also accompanied by his butler, Igor, and his aptly named nanny, Nanny.

      The show also featured a unique view into the nature of life and death. Duckula was killed several times but was constantly reincarnated through a blood ritual by his servants. Just the kind of wholesome content parents want in a kid’s show.

      During the ritual for the current incarnation of Duckula, his servants accidentally used ketchup instead of blood, which resulted in the count being a vegetarian. Besides Count Chocula, this makes him the only other vampire to not drink blood. It also gives him a much better chance at hooking up with that cute vegan chick who works at the coffee shop.

      The Fresh Count of Bel-Air

      Sir William the Fresh, a young vampire from West Philadelphia, born and raised, spent most of his days on the playground. William enjoyed spending most of his time with his friends, or as they liked to say, “chillin’ out,” “maxin’,” or “relaxin’ all cool.”

      Aside from drinking human blood, William played a lot of basketball outside of his school. One day while “chillin’ out” with his compatriots, William was accosted by a group of local vampire hunters. He was able to escape unharmed, but the news of this altercation quickly reached William’s mother. Frightened, she immediately arranged for William to be sent to live with his aunt and uncle in Bel-Air.

      William hailed for a cab and was quickly greeted by a peculiar sight. The taxi that awaited him was adorned with a custom license plate that said “FRESH” and had a pair of dice hanging from the rearview mirror. It was quite the rare sight. Upon entering the vehicle, William was met with quite a pungent odor. The odor wasn’t garlic, but the stale stench of the taxi driver. It was so strong, however, that it might as well have been garlic. William very much wished to “smell [him] later.”

      The ride was unbearable, but the taxi eventually arrived at his destination. William exited the vehicle, excused his driver, and set his eyes upon his new kingdom. The drastic change of scenery had effectively “flipped-turned” William’s life upside down. He gazed upon this new land: a pure, untapped source of new victims. From that day forth, William reigned atop a throne of human skulls as the Fresh Count of Bel-Air.

      2. Transylvania

      We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things. Nay, from what you have