The Immortality of Influence:. Cecil Murphey

fought through every day. She’s healthy now, and I’m grateful to God for her and for the medical staff at Lankenau Hospital near Philadelphia, who helped us through many very rough times.

      As I watched my wife go through that process of constant care for our infant daughter, I gained deep respect for her and for the women around the world and their selfless giving and love. Prior to the baby’s birth, Shawnna herself was hospitalized for almost a month, and after she was born, our daughter stayed in the hospital for 84 days. Shawnna was there every one of those 84 days and spent most of her nights there. She had to teach me how to plan and cook meals for our older daughter and myself. Shawnna had her priorities in the correct order—our newborn daughter came first.

      I understand the daily struggles of parenting so I know how tough it is to be a parent. I also know that we can never forget that we are the first teachers for our children. We can’t pass that responsibility on to anyone else. We cannot allow MTV, BET, or HBO to teach our young people. God designed that job description for us and we’re the only ones who can fill it.

      If every one of us could look twenty years into the future and think of what we’d like our children to become, it would affect the way we teach our children now. We are marking them for life—and the more positive our influence and our teaching, the greater the opportunities and possibilities they’ll have later. Our choices today will affect future generations.

      I traveled to South Bend, Indiana, in February 2005, to participate in a live television interview with the LeSea Broadcasting Christian television station. While there, I also visited several schools and talked with young people about my students and my work in Philadelphia. I gave away a few copies of my first book, I Choose to Stay, to students who had enough courage to stand and ask or answer questions. I always do that when I visit schools because I believe it is important that we reward students for taking risks. So many times they don’t take leadership roles because they feel uncomfortable speaking in front of their peers.

      One particular young man stood up and I asked, “Do you have a question?”

      “No, I don’t have a question.” He said he had heard me talk about my mother and how powerful her influence had been on me and how I wanted each of them to be dedicated to their parents. “I wanted to thank you for saying those positive comments about your mom.”

      “Thank you,” I said. “My mom passed away a couple of years ago, but her influence still lives on.”

      “My mom really made a lot of sacrifices for me also,” he said.

      I told the young man his mom must be very proud of him and that she was doing a great job. I asked him to come to the front. I gave him a copy of my book. I noticed that there were tears in his eyes. When I looked at his teacher, she was crying also.

      “Did I do or say something wrong?” I asked the teacher after we dismissed.

      “That young man recently lost his mother. It touched him for you to mention his mom. He misses his mother a lot. I’m glad I brought him to this program today because it was important for him to be able to hear you say that about your own mother.”

      I was able to talk to the boy and let him know that as an adult I still struggle over the loss of my mother, so I could imagine what he was going through. I told him to understand that his mother had planted seeds in him and her legacy and influence lives through him. His immediate response was, “When are you going to visit my church here in Indiana?”

      “Maybe someday soon,” I said. “If they invite me, I’ll come.”

      It was so encouraging for me to see a young person who understood the commitment that his parent had made. Although she’s not on the earth with him, I told him, “She’s here in spirit and she’s looking down and watching and she wants to see you go to college and get educated and give back to the community.”

      That is the true immortality of influence.

      4

      The Influence of Husbands, Children, and Siblings

      Those of us who are husbands should be aware of the tremendous influence we have on our wives and children. It’s essential that we provide emotional support for our wives. I have had countless conversations with men who have expressed how uncomfortable they feel because their wives make more money, have more education, or are more successful in their careers.

      As long as they resent their wives’ achievements, they will never be able to fully support them. When men see the success of their wives as a part of the success of the family, they will encourage, love, and support them.

      Our priority must be to love our wives—not just with our hearts—but with a commitment to help, to stand beside them, and to be present whenever we’re needed.

      As husbands, if we are going to improve our relationships with our spouses, we must also learn to respect and love other men. That may sound contradictory, but if we men are constantly competitive with each other and feel the need to prove we’re stronger, faster, or tougher, that affects the way we treat the women in our lives. I don’t mean only our wives, but all women, including our mothers, sisters, and daughters. We also must teach our children to love others—not just by laying down rules but by living the right way as an example to them. We need to face the fact that raising children isn’t only a mother’s role. Especially, we should teach our boys how to treat girls and women with respect. Our boys need to learn that early.

      After working nearly two decades with children in the public schools, I’ve realized that most boys won’t ask for guidance when it comes to learning how they should treat women. We have to go to them and show them how. Part of our responsibility is not only to offer guidance but also to provide ourselves as excellent role models. We can no longer allow the criminals on the street or violent athletes and entertainers to teach our boys how to be men.

      As fathers and husbands, part of our adult and parental responsibility is to enlighten them and to help them understand that they must love themselves and respect others. As we show them respect, we can help them grasp what it is and how it works.

      We also must teach our daughters to refuse to allow themselves to be treated with disrespect. They can influence the males in their lives in positive ways. In our school, I urge girls to report boys who treat them badly. We want to eliminate that type of negative behavior.

      In recent years, a controversy has arisen about women and their lack of success in science and mathematics. There’s been an ongoing debate at Harvard University about women in the sciences. Controversial statements made by the president of the university ignited the debate. Many women have already proven they can be just as successful, if not more successful, than men. We men should support, nurture, and lovingly encourage women—all women. That’s why we’ve always encouraged girls to be involved in our chess program. Several of our girls have gone on to become more successful than most of our boys.

      When I think about men supporting women, immediately my mind races to the story of one family I spent time with when I visited South Bend, Indiana. My purpose in going there was to tape a show for the Christian television station at LeSea Broadcasting. Kelly Morgan, the cohost, asked me to appear on her TV program, The Harvest Show. My coauthor, Cec Murphey, had taped a program with them for one of his own books and mentioned my name to Kelly as someone he thought she would like to interview. Kelly contacted me, and a few weeks later, I flew to South Bend to do an interview. Then I planned to go back immediately to Philadelphia.

      Cec had told me, “When you meet this woman, you’re going to see she’s a powerful Christian mother, wife, committed community member, and dedicated to serving her church.”

      When we met, Kelly amazed me by her dedication to her profession, career, family, and faith. She was also smart, lovely, and extremely articulate. After the show, she and I talked for a long time. When she told me her story, I realized how really successful she was. Kelly, an African-American, was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. Her adult life started early as a young single mom and her story brought back memories of my own mother, who grew up in New York City.