Birth Order & You. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson & Lois A. Richardson

      The parents may develop somewhat different parenting styles between children. The first child is usually born to a youngish couple, with no experience in childrearing. The two of them now have to make space in their lives for a third (very demanding) person. It is normal for these parents to be anxious and uncertain with a tendency to focus much more attention on this child than they do on later children.

      When the second child is born, the parents have some experience behind them. They are usually more relaxed about parenting and also less impressed with the child’s stages of development (first words, first steps, first whatever). So the child who comes later tends to get less pressure but also less attention and affirmation for similar accomplishments.

      When there are many years between the births of siblings, even things like a change in the prevailing theories of childrearing can make a difference in the way the siblings are raised.

      3. The external world

      Each child born into a family also faces a different external world. A child born in London during World War II had a different kind of early family experience than a younger sibling born in Canada after the war. A child who became a teenager in the political turmoil of the early seventies had a different experience from that of an older sibling who became a teenager in the Camelot years of the early sixties. A child born in the inflationary years of the eighties will have a different family context than a child born in the nineties.

      b. Family Identity

      The over-riding influence on an individual’s development is the family personality. Children develop their social behavior by relating to their own parents and siblings. For instance, even though all oldest children are likely to share many characteristics, they are all also unique in the way those characteristics are expressed.

      Even where non-birth order characteristics are the dominant element in someone’s personality, some of the birth order traits are usually evident. For example, an exceptionally bright or talented youngest boy might still be more dependent or less responsible than the other children in his family. He may be a genius, but a spoiled, babied genius.

      In addition, birth order doesn’t determine the basic values of a person or the person’s value to society. It affects social interactions more than attitudes and ethical stances. Depending on a number of other family and environmental circumstances, an only child can turn out to be Joseph Stalin or Leonardo da Vinci, Elvis Presley or Franklin Roosevelt. But these four men shared certain characteristics that are common to male only children.

      c. Sibling Distinctiveness

      We each need to develop a distinctive identity or a separate sense of self. This need is driven by a desire for recognition, acknowledgment, support, and affirmation and is one of the major factors in creating differences between siblings. While some children may try to establish their identity by imitating a sibling who is clearly affirmed and recognized by their parents, the more common pathway is to find something that will distinguish self from others.

      Identical twins demonstrate the principle most clearly. Those who were separated at birth and raised in different families are more like each other in personality than those who are raised in the same family where they try to be different from each other.

      The first child in a family usually identifies with the parents’ values and works at becoming what they want. The second child (especially a second child of the same sex as the first) will most likely not be able to compete with the first one. He or she will therefore learn to open up new territory, try out new behaviors, and seek a different route for getting affirmation and recognition.

      This can be a problem, however, if what the parents value most is reflected in the first child. The second child (especially of the same sex) may be seen as less “good” than the first — less competent at doing whatever it is that the parents value. Sometimes, when the first child is good at being “good” (i.e., fulfilling parental expectations), the second child gets his or her recognition by being good at being “bad.”

      Younger siblings tend to define themselves according to whatever territory has already been claimed by the older child. In therapy, two adult sisters began to explore this dynamic and the resentments between them that had resulted. May spoke of how much she envied the academic achievements of her older sister Alice, who clearly pleased her parents with her abilities. Quite early on, May decided she could not and would not compete with Alice in that area. She put more energy into friends, her social life, and team sports. She also became a cheerleader and eventually ended up becoming a television actress. It was news to her to hear how much Alice envied her. While they were growing up, May not only had a lot of dates, but seemed to Alice to be favored by dad since he appreciated and enjoyed her activities more than Alice’s quiet work in the chemistry lab. As an adult, Alice wished she had the kind of public recognition May had.

      d. Sex

Sex^[1] adds another important dimension to birth order characteristics. Although all children who share the same birth position in their families will have some characteristics in common, they will differ according to their sex and the sex of others in their family.

      Each succeeding child is treated by, and relates to, parents and siblings differently according to the sex of each of them. A boy born into a family of boys will see himself and, ultimately, the world in a different way from a boy born into a family of girls. This continues to be the case even in these days of increased equality for women and despite the professed belief of many parents in non-sexist childrearing.

      Just about the first question the parents and everyone else asks about a newborn is “What is it?” They aren’t asking if it’s a puppy or a pony; they’re asking what sex it is, in part so they know how to think of it and how to treat it. Research has shown that, from the moment of birth, girl infants are treated differently from boy infants. For instance, they are handled more gently and talked to more often. In one study, volunteers were asked to play with different infants. Each baby was first dressed as a boy and then as a girl. The volunteers thought there were two different babies each time, and they played with and talked to them in very different ways, according to the sex the babies were dressed as.

      Sex is also a factor when the parents want a child of one sex and end up with the opposite. For example, in a family where a third girl is born to parents ardently wanting a boy, the impact on that girl’s experience in the family and her sense of self can be very strong. The impact usually shows in one of two ways: she is either treated as a disappointment and ignored to some extent or is groomed to become the “boy” of the family.

      And, of course, genetic research is increasing our understanding of biological differences between the sexes.

      e. How Siblings React To Each Other

      Parents usually get the blame or credit for the way their children turn out. However, brothers and sisters in the family have a profound effect as well. Children — except for only children or oldest children for the first few years of life — develop in great measure by relating to their siblings and struggling to establish a separate identity within the family. By age five or six, this identity and the accompanying personality traits are more or less set. These early experiences in the family far outweigh the later influences of school, church, clubs, and friendships.

      Birth order and sex are commonly used to identify a child. Parents will often introduce their children to outsiders by saying “This is my oldest,” “This is my youngest son,” “This is my only daughter.” The child soon accepts these factors as part of his or her identity. What seems a superficial matter is important at a deep level of consciousness. In addition to whatever the parents believe about oldests, middles, and youngests, and about males and females, society’s attitudes about these factors will also become part of the child’s consciousness.

      Almost all children